As I walked into my office, my administrative support, Wendy, asked me a question. I turned and glared at her. Then, as I turned back and kept on walking, I answered Wendy through my teeth! I certainly didn't have the patience for her BS right now. 

Timeout!
But....why didn't I have the patience for Wendy at this moment? 
Was it because she had done something wrong?

** Possibly, but the way I handled it was all on me.

Being Bitchy
Ok, let me start by saying I do not like that word at all! If you can give me another word that we all know and understand to describe what I mean, please message me and tell me a better word. It's not merely being rude or being cranky it's more than that. And we've all been there.


Staff challenges
I've had my fair share of staff challenges, and I bet you have too. We have staff that don't get along, stir the pot on the team, mess up with clients, neglect their paperwork, or in general, are somewhat incompetent at their job. And we need to address those issues.


How are you addressing the issues?

• Confidently?
• Respectfully?
• With your integrity intact?

The way you handle situations comes back to your character and your reputation. What do you want people to say about you and about the way you dealt with the situation? My guess is you don't want them to leave the interaction, head to her co-worker and say, "Holy smokes, is she ever bitchy today!"

Instead, you probably want them to say something like, "That was a tough conversation, but I feel like she's supporting me and wants to help me out."

What gets in the way?
We are women leaders. There is a lot that can get in the way that has nothing to do with the work, the person we are dealing with, the sector or the issue at hand.

▶︎ It might, however, have to do with that time of the month.
▶︎ It might have to do with that time in our life cycle.

▶︎ It could also be that our hormones are off due to our diabetes or thyroid issues.

▶︎It might result from a lack of sleep because our toddler kept us up, we fought with our partner or dealt with night sweats half the night.

Hormones, emotions, burnout
How you respond to a challenge with your employee is less about the words you use and more about how you deliver that message. Hormones, emotions and burnout all factor in. They are all things you need to be aware of, manage and, yes, at times, workaround. 


3 strategies to help you manage your reputation

1) Be mindful of your body, mind and soul

• Tune in to your body to see what's really going on.
• Practice mindfulness

2) Be in control of your schedule so you can adjust when needed based on mood and energy levels.

• Work at home some days. 
• Take a break to move your body, have a healthy snack or give yourself a few moments of much-needed solitude
• Move a talk to the afternoon if you need time to settle your emotions from the night before.

3) Be honest

• Communicate somethings off
• Role model vulnerability

We respect vulnerable leaders
Most of our nonprofits are full of women, all of whom are likely going through similar emotional, hormonal and energy roller coasters. When you acknowledge where you are at, it makes you seem more human and permits others to do the same. Humour is useful in these kinds of situations if that's a strength of yours, but so is self-compassion, kindness, honesty and bravery. 


Extra Resources 
For those of you in The Training Library, here are some resources you might want to check out to help you ditch the bitchiness and lead with confidence!

• WEBINAR: Gossiping, Hormones and Backstabbing: Leading in Predominantly Female Teams
• WEBINAR: Develop Your Strength of Character
• WEBINAR: Managing Your Emotions at Work
• WEBINAR: Staying Composed During Meetings, Conversations & Challenging Times
• WEBINAR: Breath Magic - Breathe your way to being a calm, composed and in control leader!
• WEBINAR: How to deal with OFFICE POLITICS with calm confidence
• WEBINAR: Managing stress on the fly!
• WEBINAR: The 5-Minute Self-Care Strategy for the Swamped Gal
• WEBINAR: Thriving Through COVID-19 - Mini Training
• COURSE: Wellness AT Work

You are human! Don't forget that
Remember, it's not what you do as a leader that counts. It's how you do it. And you are a human being. You have emotions, hormones and a life outside of work that factor into how you lead. Don't forget to take that into account. When you do, you'll ditch survival mode and learn to thrive in both your leadership and your life!

I recently watched the movie Hillbilly Elegy and loved it!

There is a scene where the main character goes to a fancy dinner and steps away to phone his girlfriend to get her help. Over the phone, his girlfriend teaches him a quick strategy to know which forks to use when. 

This scene brought back memories from when I first went to business dinners at upper-end restaurants and had no idea how to order wine or speak certain words on the menu and certainly not which utensil to use.

I didn't fit the "leadership" mold
Recognizing how uncultured I was always brought out in me the feeling that I didn't fit in. It made me feel that I didn't have what it took to be at that leadership level.

I suffered from Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome happens when we think we don't have the capacity, skills or education to do the job we are in. It leads to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. We fear that others will discover we aren't knowable, capable, or equipped to do the job, which leads to feeling like a fraud or imposter. 

Here's the thing, neither of my parents has a high school education, and we farmed. I know differently now, but back then, I felt like that was two strikes against me. The belief partly stems from my Dad's frequent quip about being "just a dumb farmer." That belief unconsciously stayed with me, and as a result, I was undoubtedly always comparing myself to others who were more cultured and had more educated parents.

I didn't have enough of this:
That unconscious pattern of thinking continued in my career. I never felt I had "enough" to fit in. 

• I wasn't old enough
• I didn't have enough education
• I certainly didn't have enough experience or the right experience
• I didn't read up on the news frequently enough.
• I didn't have a rich enough vocabulary.
• My husband didn't have the right kind of job, we didn't drive the right type of vehicle, and we didn't vacation in the right places. 

The list went on. But remember, much of this at the time was unconscious. I just felt that constant feeling of being an outsider because I wasn't "enough." 

Do you have enough to fit the leadership mold?
Here is the thing though, "not-enoughness" strikes us all in various ways and at different times. 
Where do you feel "not-enoughness?"

• You may think you don't have enough experience in a specific sector that you are supervising. 
• Maybe you don't think you have enough financial understanding to manage your budgets.
• Perhaps you think you lack the proper speaking skills, organizational skills or negotiation skills to head that next big discussion. 

Here's how it looks at work
When I would sit at a contract meeting, I often didn't understand the legal mumbo-jumbo on the page in front of me. 

• Feeling: I felt inferior, stupid and uncomfortable. I was embarrassed to admit I didn't get it.
• Thought: I thought I was the only one that didn't understand it.
• Body sensation: If anyone asked me any questions, my heart would race, and I'd get a red face trying to answer.

Have the courageous conversations
In the podcast, Mallory suggests it becomes less intimidating when we talk about what we feel with other people at work. She encourages us to create a workplace culture where it's safe to say what we feel, and as the leader, that starts with you. 

Here's an example
For example, I could have bravely spoken up at that meeting to say, "Hey, you know what, I feel a little foolish for saying this, but I don't understand what this word means, and I don't get what this implies." I bet that others around the table felt the same way and would have been relieved for someone to speak up. 

Strategy # 2
Another strategy Mallory talks about is to get a hold of your thoughts. Self-talk like this wreaks havoc with your confidence:

• I'm so stupid
• I don't know what I'm talking
• I don't know why they put me in this position!

You need to get a hold of these thoughts and reframe them to ease the doubt, increase your confidence and overcome that imposter syndrome feeling. 

More help
When you work through the Inner Guidance Cycle by stopping (pause) to ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling (ponder), you can remind yourself (pivot) that you're not the only one at that moment not understanding the words on the legal document in front of you. That can give you the courage to speak up (proceed) and say what many people in the room are feeling.

To understand and begin using The Inner Guidance Cycle in your leadership and life, grab Mastering Confidence and start working through the self-reflective exercises in it.

For the other two strategies on how to overcome not-enoughness, tune to the podcast with Mallory Erickson here

Have you ever avoided a tough conversation, that you know you should have? 

We all have. Unfortunately, when we don't deal with them, they tend to fester and problems get worse.

Keep reading to learn how to create a plan to get you through "that" conversation in a way that feels authentic and confident!

​Let me start with a story:
I have a decision to make today…..ok…let me rephrase that. I’ve made a decision, now I need to communicate it to someone, and I’m not looking forward to it. 

• I think she’s going to take it the wrong way. 
• It makes me feel like a big meanie.
• I have the urge to put it off another week and see if things will fix themselves.
• Yet, it’s important that I focus on sharing the message authentically and clearly so that I can move on, and so can she. 

Not communicating a decision already made is taking up brainpower, emotional energy and time. I need a plan of how to communicate it and still feel I’ve been honest and genuine.

❓️Can you relate❓️
Do you have a conversation you need to have with someone and are dreading it? 😩

Having tough conversations takes discipline.
You need the self-control to do it, even when your inner self is screaming: 

• Are you nuts? 
• This is not going to be pretty! 
• You’re going to get your head bit off! 
• They will take it totally the wrong way! 
• Why don’t you just let someone else deal with it? 
• Maybe it will just go away. Just avoid them for a few days!

Your inner voice keeps you small!
To shush that nattering voice that keeps you lacking the courage to deal with the thing with integrity you need willpower.

Willpower is that inner will that will tell all that negativity to be quiet so you can awaken that courageous you that is hiding quietly in the background. 

Having a tough conversation takes willpower!
And here’s the truth: You need to strengthen your willpower so you can handle that tough conversation and get done what matters most!💪

Here's how willpower & tough conversations fit together
Let look at the components of willpower as they relate to difficult conversations. Willpower is the ability to:
      💥manage your thoughts.
      💥manage your emotions.
      💥resist urges and distractions
      💥focus on what matters most!

Imagine being a leader who can keep your thoughts and emotions in check and handle a tough conversation with courage, confidence and integrity!!!🙌

Let's back up a moment
Imagine the next tough talk that you have coming up.

• What makes it a tough talk? 🤔
• What is it about that conversation that makes you feel queasy, nervous, angry, or worried? ✍️
• Why is it that you want to cancel it, are dreading it or considering calling in sick that day? ✍️

My guess is several things could come into play.

• That tough conversation maybe with someone who has a strong personality
• Perhaps you’ve clashed in the past with this individual
• Maybe you’re worried that they’re going to be sensitive to the information you share

Now, let's look at how your willpower, or lack of willpower may come into play. When you think about how you define it as a tough conversation, consider:
     🔹What thoughts come up for you?
     🔹What emotions are connected to those thoughts?
     🔹Where might you allow yourself to be distracted?
     🔹What urges do you have about that meeting?
     🔹What will be important about focusing during that talk?

👉️Thoughts, feelings, resisting urges and distraction and focusing, all of the components of willpower are all going to play a role in that tough conversation. It will be your inner discipline or willpower that will help you stay engaged in a conversation when you don’t feel like it; 

You need a plan!!!! 👇️Here's how:
The best way to stay authentically and courageously in that uncomfortable conversation is to pre-plan. You need to know ahead of time:

• What unhelpful thoughts are unconscious in your mind 
  • i.e. They don’t like me! I’m not skilled at confrontation.
• What emotions are triggered by those thoughts 
  • i.e. inferiority, doubt, fear
• What urges may emerge as a result? 
  • i.e.the urge to shut down, tune them out, get defensive or conform, please or condone their behaviour.
• And what you are going to do about all of that so that you can focus on what matters most in that tough talk:
  • To keep your thoughts positive, optimistic and keep that inner dialogue reminding you that you are capable, courageous and confident.
  • To focus on having the emotional intelligence to manage your emotions.
  • To focus on keeping unhelpful distractions and urges at bay
  • To focus on your relationship, the goals for your organization, this person, as a person

You, my dear, need to have a plan to use your willpower wisely.

✏️Here’s your homework.
Identify the next difficult, tough or challenging conversation you have.

1. Schedule 15 minutes into your calendar to plan for that upcoming talk.
2. During your planning time, identify:
   1. ​The thoughts you have about that conversation
   2. What feelings emerge as a result of those thoughts
   3. What urges you might have that won’t be helpful to move that conversation forward
   4. What you need to do to focus during that tough talk so you can feel confident getting through it.
3. Approach your next conversation knowing even though it still may be tough; you’ll get through it feeling honest, authentic and with your integrity intact! 

🆘Need help?
Members of The Training Library can find this WEBINAR: How to prepare for a tough talk so you can handle it with integrity to help you plan your way to confidence!

Hey my dear,

What do these examples have in common with you?

• When I was introduced to coaching, I had just had a grievance filed against me by one of my staff
• When someone recommended that Sasha talk to me, it was because she’d just received a less than glowing performance appraisal
• When Kristen first called me, she was being bullied by someone in her office.
• When Paula first reached out, she was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of her new leadership role.

While you may not be experiencing any of those, my guess is at some point in your career, you’ve experienced something similar.

Have you hit a bump?
The truth is, while sometimes things roll along smoothly, we often hit a bump as leaders, and that bump creates a small or a big, mess in our lives.

• Conflict 
• Tension 
• Drama 
• Health issues 
• Relationship issues 

These bumps threaten our security, stability, and our sanity!

How are you approaching your bump?
How you get through each of those situations, defines the future of your leadership journey.  
✅Your style of communication
✅The resources you reach for
✅The strategies you use to grow
The type of person and leader you become are shaped by how you approach each bump along the way.

Can you learn anything from how we approached our bumps?
Each of us approached our bumps in our own ways.

• I went through coaching.
• Sasha initially reached for a trusted advisor who then recommended a leadership assessment that I offer.
• Kristen called me to ask about team training; however, as we began to talk, recognized that was she who needed the support first to deal with how the traumatic impact of what she was going through.
• Paula read every book she could find and committed to a lifelong journey of personal and professional growth.

This is how our approaches shaped us. Do they sound outcomes you want?
How each of us approached our bump, has  shaped the type of leader we are today.

• I feel confident to mentor and coach women leaders to be their best while finding balance with life
• Sasha received a performance appraisal a year later noting how inspiring she is for her team
• Kristen took time to heal before regaining her strength and composure to lead her team even more powerfully.
• Paula lifelong journey of personal and professional growth has rubbed off on her leadership team. The shift in focus on growing each member individually has created a cohesive team.

The question for you today is: What’s your current bump and what’s your approach to dealing with it?

• Are you just hoping it will go away️
• Are you waiting for someone else to change️
• Are you praying for someone to magically swoop in and fix it for you️
• Or are you taking responsibility for yourself, your impact, your growth, and who you are becoming as a leader?​

It’s how you deal with the tough days, that will shape your leadership character!
​

Would you like to feel confident that you will be able to maintain your composure in your next meeting or conversation? If you are like most leaders...
​
You have a tough conversation or meeting coming up. 

• You worry you’ll say something wrong, and everyone will know you're unsure and worse they’ll see it! 
• You fear they will hear it in your voice, see your hands shaking or wonder if you are about to break down. 

But what you deeply desire is to feel composed. 

You want to walk away feeling like you didn’t get your panties in a knot; unruffled and clearheaded. 

What gets in the way of that: 

Unmanaged thoughts and emotions. That’s the bottom line. 
When you feel flustered in a meeting when your nerves get the better of you, and you feel anything but composed, it’s because your thoughts and emotions have gone crazy.

​Your thoughts and emotions are in control of you instead of you being in control of them 🥴

If you want to find yourself feeling calm, confident & in control
in your next meeting, learn to develop your strength of will.

🦉Daniel Goleman defines willpower this way: 
​"Willpower is the ability to consciously regulate what you feel and what you do".


Think of any strong, competent and composed leader you know, and I bet they can regulate themselves! The good new is you can also learn to regulate you what think, feel and what you do too!

If you want to become a more composed leader,
grow your willpower!

What if I told you that your ability to lead with integrity is only as good as the management of your stress? It's true! 

Consider these questions:

• If you are tense and agitated, how quickly are you making decisions? 
  
  • And, are they the decisions you would have made if you'd taken a few minutes to breathe and reflect with more focus?
• If you have a mountain of deadlines, meetings and emails weighing you down, will you take time to reflect on what's deeply important to you?
• If you are numbing out with painkillers, prescriptions, alcohol, social media or Netflix, can you think clearly about how to stand up for what you morally believe in?

I'm guessing you'd say no to those questions.
However, if you are like most leaders self-care, wellness and your health are often put on the side while you put out fires, juggle crisis and focus on just surviving this meeting, just getting through today, or coping with this busy time.

Keep reading to learn how you can gain the trust of your team and have them judge you as being a leader with integrity.

Want more practice?
Not convinced? No, perhaps not. This work takes practice. But please keep at it. This is why I am always harping about the need to do the inner work. Practice makes progress!

️If you need more help with preparing for upcoming tough talks, I encourage you to check out this webinar inside of The Training Library: Preparing for a Tough Talk: So you can handle it with integrity!

Why are women not rising to the top as equally as men in nonprofits? Because we are not! Here are the statistics in Canada's Nonprofit"

• Women make up approximately 75% of the workforce in our nonprofits organizations
• Yet, women hold only 40% of top leadership positions in our nonprofit organizations

Hmmm, does something about that not quite sit right with you?

What is holding women back?

Charity Village recently is offered a free webinar in which the Ontario Nonprofit Network (ONN) shared key findings from their recent report Decent Work for Women and the 10 solutions ONN is working on. This session was relevant across the country as we all work together to change things.

Change though, won't come from a report. It will come from action. The challenge is, that many women continue to feel oppressed, bullied and lack the confidence to step forward.

We need to take this part into consideration as well:
Before many women are ready to come forward, they need to develop their courage and confidence. For many women, they will do that when they find their authentic leadership style and owning it. ​

​It's about leading with confidence to be ourselves.

We need to become the female role models for the future generation of women leaders
For far too long we've been mentored by men, had male role models and seen bits of success by acting like men leaders, but feeling like frauds. That inner turmoil between who we really are and how we want to lead with how we think we SHOULD lead has cost us our confidence, career advancements and quite frankly, our sanity.

You know I have been a strong advocate of leading aligned with your values, belief, morals and ethics. I've also been known to get on my soapbox more than once about how you need to do the inner work to get there. Well, back up on the box I get....

MY RANT:
Here is the thing, my dear, authentic, compelling, impactful and enjoyable (yes, you can enjoy your role) comes when you are "in character" not out of character. When you are "acting" like someone you are "supposed" to be, you'll continue to find that you feel overwhelmed, under-appreciated, and lack meaning in your work.

• INSTEAD, a leader with strong character leads with authentically with their natural traits, their values and leads with integrity 

I'm so passionate about this that I've devoted this month's webinar to helping you compete authentically with men for the leadership position and respect you desire by learning to lead with your leader character.

Not convinced character is critical for you? Let me ask this:
​
Which list of Character Traits do you aspire to?

Character matters, BIG TIME!

The "facts"
We do want "it all!"

• There are tons of demands on you at work.
• If you are honest, you are also eager to do the work. No, not all of it, but there are parts of your job you love. Please don't feel ashamed that you are strongly committed to your job!
• You also want to be there for your family, take care of yourself and have strong personal relationships.

The stigma
Honestly, it often feels like you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't" If you give too much at work, you are judged as not being there for your family. The reverse is true too. Take too much time off, waver about travel or talk too much about your kids and your commitment to the job can be in question.

The desire
It's true. Countless studies and online forums have women attest to this. In a recent study from the Ontario Nonprofit Network, women identified flexibility as one thing they were looking for because they were struggling with work-life balance. We desire the freedom to have some flexibility so we can juggle everything a bit easier.

The truth
The demands in social media and the recommendations in reports are clear; organizations need to provide the right culture, offer flexibility, ensure wage equity and offer fair opportunities for advancement. While these are all critical factors, it's only half of the equation.

The other half is you. The truth is you also need to step up confidently.

• It doesn't matter if your organization offers you flexibility if you still feel guilty about saying no to travel and going anyhow.
• It doesn't make a difference if the job offer is there and you hold yourself back from applying on it.
• It doesn't matter if you continue to take on more than you can do, because you struggle to set boundaries, feel uncomfortable holding others accountable for their part or resist asking for help.

It takes two to tangle
You are fully in the challenge. Rather than being the victim of the circumstances, I encourage you to step forward with hope, optimism and a belief that you can find a way to find more balance.


The way - - > Change your mindset
Finding a new way starts with the right mindset.

Ditch the fixed mindset. That is the one that believes:

• Nothing will ever change!
• I can't "change the world"
• It's just the way it is.

Instead, embrace a growth mindset. That is one that believes:

• Bit by bit, things will start to change.
• I impact the way my life is, and I choose to do that.
• I can change my world, and that will ripple out to the bigger world.

If you need some help finding the mindset that will help you find success, tune in to this training on finding your Success Mindset!


The new truth
We can change "the world" together. It's not easy. It will take time. But keep this in mind: Someone has to start. We are being offered a hand...it might seem tentative, but it's there. The sector is demanding equity, fairness and flexibility. It's time we do our part to make it happen.

Believe with your whole heart, that work-life balance IS possible! 
​
p.s. This whole journey starts with believing you can do it. That's confidence, my dear! Make sure to grab your copy of Mastering Confidence and re-read it if need be! Do the free course that goes with the book and then take in extra training here. Master confidence and you'll be well on your way to finding more balance!

​Why don't you, or so many women, address these issues?
Before I answer that question, let's look at an example of a woman who is no longer staying quiet about injustices faced by her and other women in the fundraising sector.

Last week Elizabeth LeClair courageously wrote an article for CBC News addressing an issue that had been festering in her heart and mind for years. Read the article here:

• Sexual harassment runs rampant in non-profits — and it's time for our #MeToo moment

Why did Elizabeth come forward now?
What changed? What gave her the courage and confidence to do that?

I don't know. But let me take a guess:
Having the courage to address moral issues can be scary and challenging. We see people have moral courage when something shifts for them.

• We step forward when we develop confidence.
• We take action when we engage in conversation with others and realize it's not just us being affected.
• We take courageous action when we are compelled by our powerful values, morals and ethics.
• We grow, develop and mature when we put the time, energy and focus into developing ourselves from the inside out.

Is there something you have been holding back on addressing?
What needs to shift for you? Do you need to develop more confidence, connect with other supportive people, get clear on what your values, morals and ethics are, spend time on personal development or is there something else?


When will you take action to grow yourself,
so that you can address the issues that's been aggravating far too long?