CONFIDENCE HACK# 3: Act Like You Can

​Imagine a cartoon character standing at the edge of the river of life. As the frames progress, you see her still lingering on the riverbank while everyone else is jumping in. Each sketch shows others diving into school, relationships, and careers.  But this particular little one, however, seems to be stalling, as she waits for something to happen before she takes the plunge. 

What is she waiting for?
As you studied the cartoon, you'd likely realize that she is waiting for something to mysteriously overcome her that will make her feel better, surer or more capable. She is waiting for confidence. But if you look carefully at the other characters, you would see that they got that inner glow after they courageously took their leap. Their confidence grew after they acted like they could handle life.

Are you waiting?
Many of us are like that character in the cartoon. We wait to feel confidence before we do something. 

• When I feel surer of myself, I’ll speak up. 
• When I feel more capable, I’ll deal with that. 
• When I feel confident, I’ll apply for that new position. 

The problem is, we don’t gain confidence by waiting. We gain confidence through action.

​Feeling comes AFTER action, not before.
The shift in the way you feel comes after you take action to illicit that feeling. Consider the following examples:

• The feeling of love comes after the demonstration of love. When I act lovingly towards my husband by reaching out and to hold his hand, my heart swells with love.
• The feeling of friendship comes after the act of being friendly. When I invite a peer out for lunch and get to know her better, I feel our friendship growing.
• The feeling of safety comes after I have taken steps to ensure safety. When I do up my seatbelt, I feel safer as I am drivi

Act with confidence and you'll feel confident
​Just as in the above examples, the feeling of confidence comes after acting with confidence. When you perform with confidence, such as by voicing your opinion at a meeting, you begin to feel more confident to do it more frequently in the future. However, the action comes first. To take that initial response often requires a level of courage. You gain that courage by first, knowing you can, increasing your competence. Then shifting your mindset to believing you can. When you've taken those first two steps, the courage to act comes easier. 

My lack of confidence
I think back to when I started Toastmasters. I hated standing up at the beginning of each meeting to introduce myself. I fumbled over my words, said “um” a zillion times and raced as fast as I could to get it over. I was certainly not confident. 

I acted with confidence and became confident
​The change came over me when I acted as if I was speaking confidently. It was the weekly act of bravely rising and presenting myself to my peers that gave me the feeling of confidence. Each time I did it, I felt better about it. My confidence grew with bold action.

• I dared to fail.
• I risked making an idiot of myself.
• I put myself in a vulnerable place.

As a result, I am a better speaker. I am confident now to introduce myself and to stand in front of a crowd and give a speech. That level of confidence would not have happened if I had stayed seated and said “pass” each time it came to my turn.

Acting with confidence requires leaving your comfort zone
​To act like you can, you will need step outside of your comfort zone. That isn't always easy to do. The following 3 points will serve as reminders about why, despite how hard it might be, you still need to move outside of your comfort zone.

1.  Feeling comes before action
Don’t wait to feel the confidence. That will come with time, effort and practice. Do the action first!

​2.  Your comfort zone grows the more you get out of it
The illusion is that it’s more comfortable to stay where you are. However, the more often you step into uncomfortable areas of life, the less awkward it feels. Consider the things, you can do now, that you were afraid to do six months ago or 6 years ago. Step outside of your comfort zone and your confidence will grow.

3.  Excitement is often disguised as fear
That rumbly in your tummy that you feel when you think about doing something you aren’t used to doing is more than fear. Those butterflies are often are excitement. Even a huge challenge, such as addressing a conflict, illicitness eagerness about what is on the other side of resolving the disagreement. Rather than letting your fear push you further away from taking action, allow fear to guide you. See fear as something that is telling you this is important. Resolving the conflict moves you and your team in the direction you want to go. That is exciting. Challenging, yes. But also exciting. Allow yourself to lean into that feeling, to see it as excitement, helps to pull you forward.

Act like you can
When you step outside of your comfort zone, your will feel more confident. That is going to allow you to do more and stretch further. Before you know it, you will be not only introducing yourself at staff meetings with more confidence, but you’ll be doing presentations with increased confidence as well.

Follow the first two confidence hacks: Know you can and believe you can. Then it's time to  Act like you can do it, even if your nerves are frazzled and your inner voices suggests your crazy. Do it. The more often you do, the better you'll feel. The more confident you'll become.

Kathy is a leadership coach for women who want to strengthen their leadership & find balance in life.
She mentors women as they rediscover their purpose, passion, and persistence for life while dealing with office politics, jerk bosses and the challenges of family life. Kathy gives her ladies the hope and inspiration they need along with a kick in the pants to make positive changes in their lives. ​​​​​​​

Discover more in Kathy’s book Mastering Confidence: Discover Your Leadership Potential by Awakening Your Inner Guidance System 

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