Taking the bull by the horns: Yes, you!

You know this already: Avoiding tough conversations does not resolve them. It only leaves them to worsen and often leads to deteriorating the effectiveness of your team.
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It is not always easy to engage in these tricky exchanges. However, if you are a leader who knows that to reach your organizational goals, you must learn to manage those tough conversations, then keep reading.

Jennifer's Story:
Jennifer (not her real name) came to a coaching call infuriated with her boss. Jennifer was a middle manager and found herself entangled in a triangle of sorts with her boss, herself and her team. Often her boss would undermine Jennifer in meetings. He would make a decision, without knowing all the facts, and announce it before conferring with Jennifer.

By the time we got onto our Coaching call, this had happened numerous times. Jennifer was noting not only how much it triggered her anger, but also prompted ineffectiveness in the team. The team didn’t know whom to believe anymore. Some staff members, who were loyal to Jennifer, kept doing things the way Jennifer had previously instructed them to do so. Others followed the big boss’s style. As such, it was all a big mess! Worse, Jennifer felt undervalued and unsupported. 

Through coaching, Jennifer was able to get reconnected to why she needed to engage in this potentially intimidating conversation with her boss. She was passionate about her staff members being supported and wanted them to have solid supervision.

Jennifer also realized that in a “perfect” situation, her boss would recognize incongruences in messaging and deal with it himself. However, life isn’t perfect. She knew she needed to be the one to tackle the problem head-on. She did just that. She arranged a time to meet with her boss and shared her concerns.

Now, of course (remember this isn’t a perfect world), he didn’t quite see the story the way Jennifer did. He did though become more aware of checking with Jennifer before he issued new standards of practice. For Jennifer, she felt more confident and sure of herself. Stepping into the arena, she found she could fight her own battles rather than hoping it would magically disappear.

I bet you can relate
Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, sandwiched between frontline staff and management. Other times you may have found it is the supervisor who isn’t dealing with their staff, and you see the mistakes happening. In that place, the tough conversation needs to happen with your subordinate, encouraging them to handle their reports more effectively. It could also be peer-to-peer where your co-worker is stirring the pot, causing havoc on the team.

1)     Become aware of your reaction to the situation
Noticed that perhaps you have been avoiding or hiding from the issue. Possibly you push it away, praying someone else will deal with it. You’ve probably noticed, unresolved, the issue continues to rise again and again. Each time you become aware of it, you probably tense up, get a knot in your stomach or feel anxious. Noticing when something is off helping you to identify the problem that needs to be dealt with clearly.

2)     Name it or identify it
Jennifer was able to recognize the challenge was when her boss skipped over her role and function and did her job. She would have preferred they discuss it privately and that then Jennifer would communicate the message to her team. She identified it as being undermined. This step is about getting clear on what precisely your problem is so that you can communicate it.

3)     Take responsibility
Stop pushing the problem away and blaming others for not fixing them. Recognize that it is your job as a leader to take responsibility for resolving the issue at hand. No, it may not be your problem but recognize that it is your responsibility to lead your team into a more effective cohesive working environment.

That may mean that you need to be the one that grabs the bull by the horns. Jennifer did just this when she initiated a conversation with her boss.

4)     Set a time
When you realize the problem was not going to go away and that no one else is going to deal with it, it’s time for you to address it. The best way to move through the muck is to get clear that you’re going to do it. Set a time that you will have this conversation by. Perhaps maybe it is by the end of today or the end of the week. Once you set the time, in many ways, the hard work is done.

5)      Have the conversation
I suspect that you may have some training on effective communication, know all about how to use your listening skills. Perhaps you even have taken training on how to navigate conflicts. It wouldn't hurt to go back to some of those skills and plan how you initiate and then move through the conversation. Then take a deep breath and dive in.

The Steps to Handling Tough Conversations
When you realize there is a storm brewing and you know it’s not going away, it is probably time to wrestle the tough conversation yourself. Below find the steps that will assist you in moving through the challenge.

Taking the Bull by the Horns puts you back in control
Dealing with challenging exchanges is not always easy. I encourage you, however, to take the initiative. You will no doubt need to find your confidence and courage to engage in these conversations. By moving through difficult conversations rather than avoiding them, you will find your team more effective. Additionally, you will discover that you can enjoy your work more as well.​

Questions: 

1. What challenging conversation have you had to deal with?
2. What was the result of taking responsibility for and having the conversation?

*comment below
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Note: In the video below I go through 3 steps...in watching it, you'll see why I clarified the 2 extra steps here.

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