 Building Unshakeable Confidence as a Nonprofit LeaderYou’re driving home after the board meeting, replaying every single word you said. Oh God, why did I get so defensive when they questioned the budget? I should have pushed back harder on that policy change? I sounded so dumb when I tried to explain the staff turnover problems. The spiral starts: I can’t do this. I’m sooooo not cut out for this! I feel like such an idiot! Sound familiar? Trust me. You are not the only one who feels like this. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve led the meeting, closed my office door, and wondered why I couldn’t keep my voice steady when someone challenged me, or why I couldn’t get my staff to rally around a new initiative and instead, cross their arms in defiance. I’ve cried in the shower, wondering whether I was in the right role, and I’ve lain awake late, worrying about everything coming crashing down on me. However, in the last 14 years, since I’ve been coaching nonprofit women leaders, one thing has become crystal clear: confidence in leadership isn’t what we think it is. We’ve been chasing the wrong thing, tying our sense of self-worth to our titles and outcomes we can’t control, and expecting ourselves to have it all figured out. I did it, and so did many of the women who come to coach with me. It doesn’t work, and there is a different way. What the women I coach are looking for, and likely you too, is the kind of confidence that actually lasts. The kind that holds steady regardless of what’s going on in your nonprofit. Emily Bocking and I spoke about this kind of inner confidence in our recent LinkedIn Live conversation. You can watch it here, but let me give you the “too long didn’t watch” version. Why Nonprofit Women Leaders Struggle With ConfidenceSo many women in nonprofit leadership think they should know exactly what to do, yet inside they’re second-guessing every decision. I see it over and over again with the women I coach, “shoulding” on themselves about what they should do, know, and how they should feel. They describe the battles in their minds like thought spirals that steal their peace, the push to be perfect so others will finally see their worth, the endless second-guessing of how they showed up, and the belief that everyone else has it figured out except them. Sound familiar? All of it keeps you isolated, working harder to prove yourself instead of realizing you were never alone in this struggle. I recently worked with a client who came to our coaching call literally vibrating with anger. She’d had a difficult team meeting three days earlier and was still caught in the replay loop. When we unpacked it together, she realized she’d felt more than anger; she felt rage, but didn’t know what to do with it. She’d spent three days telling herself she must have done something wrong to cause her staff to do what they did to make her feel that way. That is what happens when we don’t have the tools to manage our inner world as nonprofit leaders. We move up in our organizations, from frontline into leadership, but nobody teaches us about emotional regulation, how to become more self-aware, or how to do the inner work that strong leadership actually requires. And when we can’t do those things, our leadership confidence takes a big hit. What Real Confidence Looks Like for Nonprofit LeadersConfidence isn’t about achievements, titles, or approval. It’s not about never doubting yourself or always knowing what to do. Real leadership confidence is steady and grounded. It’s the belief that whatever comes your way, you can handle it. Not perfectly and not without questions, but with a willingness to figure it out. When we step into a new role, take on a challenge, or get hit with something unexpected, we don’t start with confidence. We start by building competence. As our skills grow, we find the courage to practice them, even when it feels uncomfortable. Over time, that’s what creates confidence.
But here’s what most leadership development misses: you need two kinds of confidence. Skill-based confidence gives you the technical know-how you need as a nonprofit leader, such as understanding budgets, programs, fundraising, and management. But inner confidence is what makes you unshakeable. It comes from managing your thoughts, understanding your emotions, and knowing yourself deeply enough that circumstances don’t shake your sense of worth. The strongest nonprofit leaders I work with do both. They build their competence, and they do the inner work. They reflect, get coaching, seek feedback, and grow themselves from the inside out. Skill-Based Confidence vs. Inner Confidence for Nonprofit Women LeadersWhen your confidence wobbles, you don’t need to overhaul your mindset; you need to pause and reset your internal guidance system. I teach a model you can practice called The Infinite Leadership Loop, which is the foundation of everything I do with nonprofit women leaders. It’s a simple loop between self-reflection and engagement with others that you practice throughout your day. Not as separate “work time” and “self-care time,” but as an integrated way of leading. It’s a simple process you can use daily to stay grounded, self-aware, and intentional. Let me walk you through it: The Infinite Leadership Loop: A Confidence Framework for Nonprofit LeadersPAUSE: Stop moving long enough to take a breath. Step out of the spin. Even 60 seconds between meetings or in your car before walking into the office can reset your nervous system.  How Nonprofit Leaders Build Emotional Intelligence and Manage Self-DoubtPONDER: Notice what’s going on inside you. What story are you telling yourself? What emotion is showing up—frustration, fear, guilt? Where do you feel it in your body? This is the foundation of emotional intelligence. The ability to name it to tame it. When you put words to what you’re thinking and feeling, your brain starts to calm down. You shift from reacting to responding. That awareness gives you the power to manage your emotions, rather than letting them manage you. And that brings us to the next step. PIVOT. Shift your thoughts gently. Ask yourself: “What will help me feel more grounded and capable right now?” A few ideas:
PROCEED. Step forward with awareness. You’ll still face challenges, and it may take courage to take action, but you’ll do it with steadiness instead of spiraling. That’s what inner confidence really is. It’s not pretending everything’s fine, but learning how to return to center again and again. PEOPLE. Once you’ve paused, pondered, and pivoted, it’s time to re-engage. This is where your leadership confidence helps build trust and respect with your team. You bring your steadier self back into conversations. You are clearer, calmer, and more grounded. You listen better. You respond instead of react. You show up as the kind of leader others trust. Inner confidence isn’t built in isolation. It grows in relationships. Self-confidence comes in those everyday moments where you practice empathy, set boundaries, and communicate with clarity, not perfectly, but with a strong sense of who you are, your purpose, and commitment to others and the work you do together. Practical Confidence-Building Strategies for Nonprofit Women LeadersBefore your next meeting, PAUSE for one minute. Then, PONDER. Notice your breath, your thoughts, and your body. Then quietly shift the “shoulds” and “musts” and PIVOT to reminding yourself, “I can handle what comes next.” That’s how grounded confidence is built. It’s in the small, intentional moments where you slow down, check in, and choose how you’ll show up next. Build Confidence One Pause at a TimeGrounded confidence isn’t about never being shaken. It’s about standing with both feet firmly planted, steady enough to handle a push without losing your balance. What does having a sense of grounded confidence feel like for you? Drop a comment below. I’d love to hear your story and support you in this journey.
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 I was trying to stay composed, but I could feel it in my body.
In my head, I was thinking, She’s just being difficult. Why can’t she just do the work?
The Perfectionism Trap: When 100% Feels Like the Only Option Accreditation was looming, and I had high expectations of myself and others. Therefore, I was pushing for 100%. I needed to get 100%. It was part of what made me who I am. I was a perfectionist. And I felt like if one person didn’t do their part, it would all come crashing down. So I doubled down.
But what I didn’t realize at that moment was that I was already at my limit.
Feeling Alone and Out of ControlI felt very much alone. My manager was miles away—both literally and figuratively. And while they talked about big-picture excellence (the funder was breathing down our neck), I was just trying to survive the day-to-day. In the meantime, tensions within the team continued to build. That staff member eventually left, but in the meantime, things got tough. We became a team I didn’t feel proud of. There was friction, back-biting, and resentment. The Wake-Up Call That Changed EverythingWhat finally cracked me open was my performance review that year. Staff comments clearly said, in black and white, that I lacked integrity. Then, the staff filed a grievance against me I almost quit! Partly because I feared getting fired and partly because I was at the end of my rope. I couldn’t do this anymore. In those few weeks, the world felt like it was crashing down on me, and I knew I couldn’t keep leading the way I was. I wasn’t proud of how I was showing up. I wasn’t proud of how I was treating people—my staff, my family—and honestly, I wasn’t proud of how I was treating myself. Rediscovering Integrity and ConfidenceThat’s when my boss offered me coaching. For the first time, I stopped trying to prove myself and started getting curious about who I really was as a leader. I PAUSED more. I PONDERED—journaling and reflecting on what was really happening. This inner work helped me clarify my values and how to operationalize them—to make decisions that felt right and align my actions with who I wanted to be. I learned what integrity actually meant to me—not as a buzzword but in practice. And I started learning to coach and support my staff instead of snapping at them or doing it all myself. What I’d Tell My Younger Self (and Maybe You Too)If I could go back to that moment at my desk, I wouldn’t give advice. I’d put my hand on that woman’s shoulder. I’d help her stand up. And I’d hold her while she sobbed Then I’d whisper this: You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. You can’t keep leading like this. It’s hurting you, and it’s hurting them. There is another way. And I’m telling you that now too
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