As a nonprofit leader, you've probably struggled with your emotions during a meeting. And, you know that feeling of being about to lose your composure is not fun! I've been there too, and it sucks!
When we are out of control, we are often reacting to what's going on:
All of these are examples of losing control. In these situations, we feel powerless to hold onto our feelings and behaviours. We simply react. Are You Playing the Blame Game? Many of us blame that reaction on other people around us or the situation. Those darn Kleenex commercials always make me cry. My daughter tells me it's my fault that she cries. If I cry, it makes her cry. We do the same in business settings.
We Give Our Power Away When we hand our thoughts and feelings to other people or the bigger "world," we give our power away. So, in essence, you are saying. I am not in control of my emotions, or I am not in control of the way I act. It's that belief that makes you feel powerless. When you feel powerless, you certainly don't feel confident! Who's fault is it? It's not anyone's fault, but we look to lay blame somewhere. Really, is it the rain's fault that you feel sad? No. Nor is it your boss's fault that you feel overwhelmed. And it's not the employee's fault for questioning something in a staff meeting. I know it sure feels like it. But hear me out for a moment. Regain Your Sense of Control When you gain access to what is going on inside of you, you can regain your sense of control and power. We can see rain as a pain in the butt or a blessing. We can enjoy the sprinkles as we take out our umbrellas or grumble and groan at how it's wrecking our plans. It's up to us how we see it. In the same way, when we do self-reflective work, we can begin to feel grateful for the disgruntled staff member. They are growing our conflict resolution. Take Back Your Power With This Tool Here is the tool to gain back that control and increase your confidence. Using the Inner Guidance Cycle, you can shift from giving your control away to taking your power back. There are 4 steps to the Inner Guidance Cycle: Pause, Ponder, Pivot and Proceed.
Let's use the example from above to see the Inner Guidance Cycle in action. 🛠 The Tool: The Inner Guidance Cycle in Action PAUSE: Stop and take a deep breath. When your boss hands you another task, and you begin to feel overwhelmed, then PAUSE. Often, our first reaction is to direct frustration and anger at our boss. That gives power to them. They are in control of how you feel if you let them be. When a team member asks a pointed question at the staff meeting, you may feel triggered and put on the spot. You know they said it to make you look bad. Your automatic reactionary response is to lash back at them. Before you react, pause! Take a deep breath and begin to tune into yourself. PONDER: Reflect on what is going on inside of you. Take time to check your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. These are the parts of your Inner Guidance System. Just like a compass, they can guide you. Take time to PONDER and reflect. They help you identify your triggers. 1️⃣ Thoughts: Do you think your boss is a jerk? Perhaps you are wondering how you will ever be able to handle the workload. You might be thinking that you have to do it immediately. But, on the other hand, you could be telling yourself how unfair this is. Do you believe this employee is trying to get you fired? Do you want to squash them, quiet them or put them in their place? Just notice the thoughts. 2️⃣ Feelings: Are you experiencing a sense of overwhelm? Anger? Frustration? Despair? Incompetence? 3️⃣ Body Sensations: These are often the clues that tell you what you are feeling. They help you become smarter about emotions and better able to name and tame them in the future. For example:
Start to reflect on what set you off. You're still PONDERING at this stage. 🤔 What was the trigger? Take time to consider what caused you to react strongly and quickly.
When a team member asks you a question at the staff meeting, and you immediately feel your composure slipping, consider the trigger.
Example of triggers Our triggers are often around "not enoughness."
You may also be triggered by
💭 What mistaken beliefs do I have? "I have to do this now." Do you really?
"I have to do it perfectly." What does good enough look like? What is the real expectation versus my own "perfectionist" expectations? "I can't say no."
"I need to have an answer."
"They are out to get me."
💜 What values are not being honoured here? Perhaps your value of family time is being squashed because you will now have to work late. Maybe you feel that you will have to rush this project or another one now, and that impedes your value of doing good work. Perhaps you are not feeling respected or appreciated. This whole reflection piece in the PONDER stage of the Inner Guidance Cycle serves to awaken new insights. This awareness is what allows you to take back control. As you sift through all of the stuff inside you, you'll see the mess of thoughts, feelings and body sensations begin to settle, and you'll often be left with a clearer picture. It is that clarity that can make you do a bit of a shift in your thoughts and feelings. That is the PIVOT stage. PIVOT: Shifting how you see things When you see things in a new light, you shift your perspective. PIVOTING allows you to head in a different direction. Perhaps instead of feeling out of control and angry with your boss, you take a deep breath and ask if you can have a moment of their time. PROCEEDING back into action When you are proceeding, you are taking your finger off the pause button and PROCEEDING back into motion. You might ask if you can renegotiate the deadline. You might suggest splitting the task between you and another person. You might say no. Any of these actions put you back in control and feel an increase in confidence. By moving through the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle, Pause, Ponder, Pivot and Proceed, you begin to take back your inner power. Instead of feeling out of control, you begin to regain a sense of power. But this time, it is internal power. It isn't your power over the situation or power over another person. Instead, you've found your voice. You've connected to what is truly important and discovered your strength from within. That's the true meaning of being in control. This inner power is your inner confidence. To be in control of yourself, do the inner work. Connect to your Inner Guidance System. You'll be glad you did!
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We've all been to a nonprofit staff meeting where there are items that shouldn't be on the agenda. And often, it makes for a painful and long-drawn-out meeting. We wonder to ourselves or text our colleagues, "Why are we even talking about this?"
Often that's because nonprofit leaders haven't learned what belongs on a staff meeting agenda. Without training on how to run a staff meeting, we are left to follow what our predecessor did. If they did it for so many meetings, it must be the right way, no? Not necessarily. Learning what goes on your staff meeting agenda will help you feel more confident, competent and in control. Ask yourself these questions:
Let's start first with what's on your staff meeting agenda. Your staff meeting agenda should be prepared and provided to those who will be in attendance several days before the meeting. They need to know what to expect. Therefore, they may need to prepare. Additionally, if you are running an engaging and collaborative meeting, your team members may have items to add to the agenda. So what should go on a staff meeting agenda? Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself when you prepare for your next staff meeting Does this belong on your nonprofit team staff meeting agenda? 1) Does everyone need to know it and discuss it? If it is an item that only certain people need to discuss, either put it on a different meeting agenda or put it at the end of their agenda so that those people who the topic is not relevant for can leave early 2) Can it be done as an email update? If you were providing information, an email update might be fine. If you need a discussion around something, you may want to give the email update first so that people have time to prepare before the meeting. It's important to be clear on the agenda item what the agenda item is. It's not information sharing. Instead, the agenda item becomes
3) Is it the right time? Often we start talking about things before we have all the information, knowledge or information, and it can create anxieties, tension and confusion. Or we talk about things that aren't yet resolved, and really people shouldn't be privy to yet. Be cautious and trust your gut when you ask yourself, "Is it the right time to talk about this at this meeting?" Your intuition will know best. 4) What is the point of sharing it? Are you sharing information because it's something employees need to know, because it will help them somehow or because they need to prepare for it? If you can't figure out the point is for sharing it, don't share it. If you do know the point, be clear on what the point is. Please don't assume that everyone knows why you're sharing it. 5) Is everyone there that needs to be included to discuss this item? It's annoying to have a discussion that can't be resolved because the key stakeholder isn't at the meeting. When this happens, we often go around and around, but no one can make a decision or answer a question because the person with that power, authority or knowledge isn't at the meeting. Be sure the key players are at the meeting for that particular item if you put it on the agenda. 6) Do we have time for that discussion? Some discussions take time. When an agenda is crammed full, and we throw a topic in there and expect to brush over it, that often causes frustration for the people in attendance. They won't have time to explore, ask questions, provide suggestions and dig deeper. Brainstorming, for example, cannot be done well in three minutes. If an agenda item needs more time, create a separate meeting for it. 7) Is this the most efficient use of our time? Pulling a team together is costly and takes significant organizational time and resources. So make sure you're using that time and those resources wisely. 8) If this is a sensitive conversation, is it the right time to discuss it? Even though some topics are relevant for everyone, sometimes those conversations are difficult. It's not always the right time to discuss them. That may have to do with what's going on organizationally, in the world, or someone's family. Remember to be sensitive about the topic you put on your agenda. 9) Consider the urgency of the matter. Even though everything may be relevant to the agenda, that doesn't mean it needs to go on the agenda. If it's not an urgent topic and the agenda is already full, hold onto that topic for a future meeting. Give time and attention to the most pressing things, not just for you in the organization but also for your employees. 10) Is this the right place for this agenda item? Lastly, once you've decided that it does go on the agenda, be considerate of where you place it on the agenda. Things that need more discussion and focus should be done earlier on. Additionally, things that need more composure for a difficult conversation should be done earlier. You want to end on a positive, uplifting note. Therefore ensure the last item will make people feel good as they leave the meeting. Running an effective and engaging staff meeting is much easier when you are more conscious and intentional about creating your staff meeting agenda. DO THIS: 1) Schedule a few minutes into your calendar to prepare your agenda. 2) Consider what belongs on your agenda, running potential items through the above list of questions. 3) Feel confident, capable and in control as you run your next team meeting. Preparing is one of the first steps to feeling more confident running a staff meeting. When you prepare your staff meeting with intention, you will feel more confident, and your team will find it much more valuable and engaging. Jennifer recently came to a coaching call infuriated with her boss. Jennifer was a middle manager and found herself entangled in a triangle of sorts with her boss, herself and her team.
Often her boss would undermine Jennifer in meetings. Without knowing all the facts, he would make a decision and announce it before conferring with Jennifer. By the time we got onto our coaching call, the above scenario had happened numerous times. Jennifer noticed how it triggered her anger and prompted ineffectiveness in the team. The team didn't know whom to believe anymore. It was all a big mess, and Jennifer felt undervalued and unsupported. However, Jennifer hadn't had the courage or understanding of how to address the issue with her boss. Therefore, she'd been avoiding it. Have you ever avoided a tough conversation? We have all done it, but avoiding tough conversations does not resolve them. On the contrary, it only worsens them and often leads to deteriorating your team's effectiveness. Jennifer had realized that. It was why she'd brought the issue as a topic for our coaching call. Jennifer started with why it was important to figure out Through coaching, Jennifer was able to get reconnected to why she needed to engage in this potentially intimidating conversation with her boss. She was passionate about her staff members being supported and wanted them to have solid supervision. In the end, addressing the conflict with her boss would be better for her and her team. Even though it would be difficult, it was worth figuring out. Take the first step to resolve the issue Jennifer realized that in a "perfect" situation, her boss would recognize incongruences in messaging and deal with them himself. However, life isn't perfect. Jennifer knew she needed to be the one to tackle the problem head-on. She did just that. Jennifer took the first step and arranged a time to meet with her boss and then shared her concerns. The result isn't always perfect, but it's a movement forward Now, of course (remember, this isn't a perfect world), he didn't quite see the story like Jennifer. He did, though, become more aware of checking with Jennifer before he issued new standards of practice. As a result, Jennifer felt more confident and sure of herself. By stepping into the difficult conversation, Jennifer discovered she could fight her own battles rather than hoping they would magically disappear. What is the tough conversation you need to have? Perhaps you've found yourself in a similar situation, sandwiched between frontline staff and management. Other times you may have found it is the supervisor who isn't dealing with their team, and you see the mistakes happening. In that place, the tough conversation needs to happen with your subordinate, encouraging them to handle their reports more effectively. It could also be peer-to-peer where your co-worker is stirring the pot, causing havoc on the team. When you realize a storm is brewing and know it's not going away, it is probably time to wrestle the tough conversation yourself. Below find the steps that will assist you in moving through the challenge. Your 3 step plan to help navigate your nonprofit leadership challenge 1) Identify the issue Notice that you may have been avoiding or hiding from the issue. Perhaps you push it away, praying someone else will deal with it. You've probably noticed, unresolved, that the issues continue to rise again and again. Each time you become aware of it, you probably tense up, get a knot in your stomach or feel anxious. By noticing when something is off, you help identify the problem that needs to be dealt with clearly. Jennifer recognized the challenge was when her boss skipped over her role and function and did her job. She would have preferred that here and her boss discuss the issue before communicating them to the team. But instead, she identified the problem as feeling undermined. This step is about getting clear on what precisely your challenge is so that you can communicate it. 2) Take responsibility for moving things forward Stop pushing the problem away and blaming others for not fixing them. Instead, recognize that it is your job as a leader to resolve the issue. No, it may not be your problem but acknowledge that it is your responsibility to lead your team into a more effective, cohesive working environment. That may mean that you need to be the one that grabs the bull by the horns. Jennifer did just this when she initiated a conversation with her boss. 3) Create your plan for dealing with the challenge When you realize the problem is not going to go away and no one else will deal with it, it's time for you to address it. The best way to move through the muck is to be clear about what you will do it.
Dealing with challenging exchanges is not always easy but worth it Even though they are tough, I encourage you to take the initiative to have tough conversations. You will find your confidence and courage increase the more often you tackle them. As a result, your team will be more effective, and you will also discover that you can enjoy your work more. If you need more help planning for your tough conversation, try this. Are you scared of someone on your board? Maybe not scared. Perhaps they make you very uncomfortable, or for whatever reason, there's tension. Keep reading. I've got some help coming your way! Brenda's Board Challenge In a recent call, Brenda asked for coaching on an upcoming board meeting. Brenda told me that she hated board meetings because one of the board members was nasty to Brenda when she did Brenda's performance appraisal ten years ago. Brenda still remembers she felt attacked by that board member. Since then, Brenda doesn't trust the board member and indicates they have a tenuous relationship. Brenda struggles to work with this board member effectively. Brenda got some coaching In our coaching conversation, I asked her about that performance appraisal. Brenda indicated the issue on that performance appraisal was something that she wished she'd handled differently. She realized now that she has grown a lot since then. Brenda accesses her inner wisdom By utilizing The Inner Guidance Cycle, by coming to coaching to PAUSE and then PONDER, Brenda realized her thoughts were full of an old storyline.
Brenda also became more aware of her body sensations. Brenda would tense up any time she had to engage with this board member. Brenda realized she was feeling incompetent and lacked confidence every time she had to talk to that person. In the PONDER step of the Inner Guidance System Brenda looked at her thoughts, feelings and body sensations as indicators of what was going on, Brenda increased her self-awareness. Brenda's new awareness was that she'd been holding onto old hurts, old stories, and past conflict. Brenda realized that she had not allowed her relationship with her board member to grow and move past that incident 10 years ago. Brenda found new perspectives Once Brenda identified the old patterns of thoughts and feelings, we started looking at different perspectives, and Brenda was able to PIVOT
Brenda felt lighter and more confident By the end of our coaching call, Brenda was ready to PROCEED. She had a new mindset around this particular board member.
Your turn: Do you avoid someone on your board? If you've ever avoided board conversations or have a challenging member, you are not alone. My guest on this week's podcast, Heather Terrence, says we all know boards can be a little bit sticky. That doesn't mean you should avoid some of those more challenging members or those difficult conversations. In fact, you must address tough conversations! As Heather says in our podcast, it's your job to liaise between the organization and the board, and thus it's your job to address difficult conversations. Help to have those Brave Board Conversations! You can learn more about strategies that Heather suggests to have Brave Board Conversations in this week's podcast. You'll also find that Heather shares a link to her board governance checklist. If you want support with your board, certainly check out the services that Heather offers here. If you want help working through The Inner Guidance Cycle with a current challenge, review the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle here. For coaching to help you move through the steps, book a call here. Let it go! Stop carrying around all that old hurt, pain and frustration! It's not helping you enjoy impactful leadership...nor is it helping you be the best leader you can be! As someone famous says....Let it go!!
Have you ever avoided a tough conversation, that you know you should have? We all have. Unfortunately, when we don't deal with them, they tend to fester and problems get worse. Keep reading to learn how to create a plan to get you through "that" conversation in a way that feels authentic and confident! Let me start with a story: I have a decision to make today…..ok…let me rephrase that. I’ve made a decision, now I need to communicate it to someone, and I’m not looking forward to it.
❓️Can you relate❓️ Do you have a conversation you need to have with someone and are dreading it? 😩 Having tough conversations takes discipline. You need the self-control to do it, even when your inner self is screaming:
Your inner voice keeps you small! To shush that nattering voice that keeps you lacking the courage to deal with the thing with integrity you need willpower. Willpower is that inner will that will tell all that negativity to be quiet so you can awaken that courageous you that is hiding quietly in the background. Having a tough conversation takes willpower! And here’s the truth: You need to strengthen your willpower so you can handle that tough conversation and get done what matters most!💪 Here's how willpower & tough conversations fit together Let look at the components of willpower as they relate to difficult conversations. Willpower is the ability to: 💥manage your thoughts. 💥manage your emotions. 💥resist urges and distractions 💥focus on what matters most! Imagine being a leader who can keep your thoughts and emotions in check and handle a tough conversation with courage, confidence and integrity!!!🙌 Let's back up a moment Imagine the next tough talk that you have coming up.
My guess is several things could come into play.
Now, let's look at how your willpower, or lack of willpower may come into play. When you think about how you define it as a tough conversation, consider: 🔹What thoughts come up for you? 🔹What emotions are connected to those thoughts? 🔹Where might you allow yourself to be distracted? 🔹What urges do you have about that meeting? 🔹What will be important about focusing during that talk? 👉️Thoughts, feelings, resisting urges and distraction and focusing, all of the components of willpower are all going to play a role in that tough conversation. It will be your inner discipline or willpower that will help you stay engaged in a conversation when you don’t feel like it; You need a plan!!!! 👇️Here's how: The best way to stay authentically and courageously in that uncomfortable conversation is to pre-plan. You need to know ahead of time:
You, my dear, need to have a plan to use your willpower wisely. ✏️Here’s your homework. Identify the next difficult, tough or challenging conversation you have.
🆘Need help? Members of The Training Library can find this WEBINAR: How to prepare for a tough talk so you can handle it with integrity to help you plan your way to confidence! |
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