How to Not Take Feedback Personally at Work

That knot in your stomach before a tough meeting? Here's what to do about it.

I was talking to Sandra earlier this week. Sandra is a manager of a busy, short-staffed program. And, she has a meeting with her boss coming up, and she’s been dreading it for a week.

“Every time I think about it, the knot in my stomach gets tighter,” she told me.

She knows what’s coming. Her boss will point out everything she’s doing wrong, highlight her weaknesses, and Sandra will walk out feeling beaten down instead of supported.

Sandra’s mind has been working overtime, imagining the worst: being fired on the spot, raked over the coals, belittled.

Here’s what I told her: Most of what you fear will probably happen. Your boss will pick you apart. She will be mean about it.

Here's What You Can Control

But here’s what you get to control 

You don’t have to believe all of it. You don’t have to take it as the absolute truth. You get to choose which parts are helpful and which are just noise.

To help her make choices that would help her feel more in control, confident, and aligned, I walked Sandra through how to prepare for the meeting using The Infinite Leadership Loop.

The Inner Work: Pause, Ponder, Pivot, Proceed

First, PAUSE

Before you react to what she says, take a breath. Even if she’s waiting for you to respond.

Then, PONDER

Get clear on what’s actually true vs. what’s just mean delivery.

Her boss will say: “You have too much overtime. You’re not good at managing your time. You’re always late with reports.”

Here’s where Sandra gets to choose how she hears it.

Victim mindset:

I don’t know how to do this work without overtime
I’ve never been good at managing my time
I’m not leadership material

Response-able mindset:

I’ve been working hard and putting in extra effort
I’m committed, and I care about my job
Yes, the overtime is killing me. I want to reduce it - not because my boss is telling me to, but because I want to figure leadership out AND have a life.

PIVOT your thoughts

Shift from “I’m not leadership material” to “I’m learning, and I care about getting better at this.”

Then PROCEED

Get ready to have the conversation, holding onto that truth instead of the mean delivery.

This is the inner work. But it doesn’t stop there.

Then Comes the PEOPLE Part

The PEOPLE part 

This is when Sandra actually walks into that meeting with her boss. She’s done the inner work, so now she can engage with her boss differently. She can listen to the feedback, take what’s useful, and let the rest go. She’s not reacting from a place of feeling small. She’s responding from a place of strength.

What Happened Next

By the end of our call, Sandra was still nervous. But instead of feeling like a victim of the conversation, she felt in control of how she’d hear it and what she’d do with it.

The tightness in her stomach had started to ease.

Join the Book Club!

If you’re tired of that knot in your stomach before tough meetings, you might be interested in the 6-week Mastering Confidence Book Club starting March 6, where we work through The Infinite Leadership Loop together.

- You’ll learn how to become response-able.

- How to take back your power.

- How to handle tough conversations without feeling beaten down.

Dates: Fridays 12-1:30 PM Mountain Time on Zoom. March 6 - April 17

Details and registration here: Mastering Confidence Book Club

Join the Book Club

I know what it’s like to dread those meetings. To feel like you’re walking into a conversation where you’ll be torn apart. But you don’t have to keep feeling powerless. You can learn to take back control of how you hear feedback and how you show up. That’s what being response-able means, and you can do it too!

Remember, you don’t have to do leadership alone.  I’m here to help.

~ Kathy 

Do the Inner Work. It’s Worth it!

P.S. If you’re thinking, “I need this book club, but I’m not sure if now is the right time”, trust me, there’s never a perfect time. But there is a right time. And if you’re still taking that knot in your stomach to every tough meeting, that time is now.

P.P.S. Sandra messaged me after her meeting. “It worked,” she said. “I still felt nervous, but I was in control of my emotions and my responses. I didn’t feel small.” That’s what this work does