KATHY ARCHER
  • Home
  • Membership
  • Blog
  • Podcast
  • Coaching
  • Confidence Book
  • About
  • Contact Me
  • Free Worksheets

Preventing unwanted words from falling out

24/2/2016

0 Comments

 
Do you ever wish that you could pause a situation, rewind and pull back what you just said or did? There are certainly days that I wish that I could reverse time and have a “do-over” of a conversation or situation. Sometimes words seem to fall out of our mouths, and we wish you could grab them back. What if you could prevent this? Read on!
Picture
Averting Blunders
​While we can’t change the past, we can slow down upcoming exchanges and events to avert some of the blunders that inescapably take place. How do you slow time? If you have been following the last few of my blogs, you know that it takes Emotional Intelligence.  

Become smarter
Emotional intelligence is when you become aware of your emotions and manage your emotions. Emotions are what dictate how we feel and subsequently what we say and do.  Becoming progressively more astute about what you are feeling requires that you “slow down time” and widen the gap between what happened and your reaction to what happened.

The gap you say?
Yes, there is a little space that I want you to check out. You want to scrutinize what transpired after an incident and before a reaction. That minuscule second of time between the two is the chief segment of time that we want to examine. 

Find your false story in the gap
When examining this chunk of time, you are looking to deduce what happened after an incident and what story you made up about that incident. It is that story that resulted in the feeling and then the reaction that you next had. I use the word “story” for a reason. Some may say, truth. However, it isn’t the truth. It is only our truth. It is the story we make up.
​Let's break it apart a little bit further

Part One – The incident
Something happens. 
  • Someone says something. 
  • You receive an email.  
  • Perhaps you observed something such as a raised eyebrow or a shrug
  • Maybe you just noticed an inflection in someone’s voice.  
It can be anything big or small.
​Part Two – Enter into the gap – The thought
What we mistakenly think happens after the incident is that we have a reaction. What is more accurate is that there is a gap of time after the incident, but before the reaction. In that time, much transpires inside your mind and through your body.

When that thing occurred;
  • the comment was heard,
  • the email received
  • or the gesture witness,
you had a thought.  
Usually, it’s not a conscious thought. In most cases, you aren’t even remotely aware that there was anything going on, but trust me, it's there.

During this gap you have thoughts such as:
  • That person's an idiot.
  • They said that because they don't trust me.  
  • What a waste of time.
  • They don’t care.
  • I don't know if I can handle this. 
  • Hey, they really do love me.
​Part Three – Still in the gap – The feeling
The thought about the incident then creates the feeling. You experience fear, anxiety, or frustration.  That feeling is felt in your body. 
  • You tense. 
  • You pull back.
  • You recoil. 
  • You become alert and ready for a fight.
  • You lean in. 
  • You soften
​Part Four – The reaction
It is the thought and the feeling about the incidence that dictates the way you respond or react.  This includes what you say and what you do.
A reaction is unconscious.
A response is conscious 
Those times when the words fall out of our mouth, and we wish we could grab them back are usually reactions. When we get angry over someone’s insensitive comment, it’s usually because we weren’t able to process the thoughts and feelings attached to that hot spot they just hit. Thus, we lash back hurtfully. ​
​REDO of Part Four – The response 
When we widen that gap of time between what happened and our subsequent actions, we can first get clear on the story we are making up in our head and our feelings attached to that story. When we do that, we have a choice to believe that story or alter it. 
  • Incident: Incentive comment from partner
  • Thought: He doesn’t love me 
  • Feeling: Hurt 
  • Unconscious Reaction: Stomp out of the the room and busy yourself with other tasks so as to avoid that person.
OR Emotionally Intelligent way:
  • Incident: Incentive comment from partner 
  • Thought: He’s had a long day. I know he loves me. He didn't mean that.
  • Feeling: Compassion
  • Conscious Response:  Let him know your going to work on something for a few minutes, giving him some space. Then later, come back and check in. 

The same could be true at work. Perhaps you feel that your boss is attacking you and your feeling backed into a corner. The reaction might be to get angry and come out fighting. Instead, by widening that gap, your subsequent thoughts and feelings can be different.

A person with high Emotional Intelligence might notice: 
"I’m feeling attacked and notice my body getting into fight or flight mode. Wait a minute. I know I’m a good person. I think maybe what he’s really trying to say is more about the project and not me. It might be his fear of failure coming through. We are actually on the same side. I sure as heck don’t want this project to fail at this either."
Our response, after this thoughtful pause in our minds, will across more in control than with fists flying. The words that consciously come out of our mouth, rather than fall out, will serve to move the project and the relationship forward. 
Increase Awareness Means Increased Control
When you are more aware, mindful and conscious, you get to choose your response. This increased awareness and choice of action is Emotional Intelligence. Not only are you aware of your emotions, but you are managing them. This increased awareness allows you to examine your thoughts and feelings and decide if they are true. Then, you can change them in you want. What you’ll find if you do this more and more, is that a lot of your thoughts and feelings are very unhelpful, and you’ll want to do some work on changing them!
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Join the membership

    Picture

    Listen to the podcasts

    Picture

    Read the book

    Books for Nonprofit leaders
    Available on Amazon


    Kathy Archer

    Women leaders often hit a point where they find themselves in over their heads and wondering if they have what it takes to lead.
    ​
    ​In my online courses and coaching I teach them inner and outer tools to restore their lost confidence so they can move from surviving to thriving in both leadership and life.

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015

    Categories

    All
    Conflict Resolution
    Courage & Confidence
    Emotional Intelligence
    Employee Development
    Goal Setting
    Health And Wellness
    Leadership
    Mastery
    Mindfulness At Work
    Personal Growth & Development
    Priority Management
    Productivity
    Project Management
    Shifting Perspectives
    Shifting PerspectivesShifting Perspectives
    Supervision

    RSS Feed

Picture

For you:

About Me
​
Join The Training Library membership
Get Coaching
​
Join the Confident Women Leaders Free Community
Free Resources
​Privacy Policy
The Training Library 
Imagine getting the training  you need, when you need it most. Find that in the membership

Join the Membership

Picture

Search the Website


Resources

Mastering Confidence: 
Discover your leadership potential by awakening your inner guidance system 
Picture
Surviving to Thriving Podcast: Strategies, systems and support to lead with confidence
Picture
  • Home
  • Membership
  • Blog
  • Podcast
  • Coaching
  • Confidence Book
  • About
  • Contact Me
  • Free Worksheets