This is why your polarized thinking is getting you in trouble

Emma has someone on her team who is perpetually late with her paperwork. It doesn’t matter how often Emma talks to this person; it never seems to change.

When I was coaching Emma, I reminded her that she could keep having supervision discussions with this team member addressing the late paperwork. That approach will likely cause friction.

• The employee will continue to feel frustrated, perhaps stupid, and maybe unsupported.
• Emma will become discouraged and start to lose hope in this employee’s capacity.
  
  

What’s going on here?
The challenge is that in Emma’s mind, there is a right way to do things — handing things in on time. As a result, Emma also believes that this employee is doing things the wrong way — submitting items late.

Right/Wrong Thinking
This kind of thinking leaves the employee only able to defend themselves, making excuses about why they’re not measuring up and offering promises they’ll never keep.

So the cycle continues.

It’s often called polarized thinking. We see things one way, all or nothing, black or white, but no grey.

Emma’s learning new ways of leading
But what if Emma was able to get off her side (I’m right) and invite her employee to leave their side as well (You’re wrong) and meet on common ground?

I asked Emma to think about how they could explore things differently. Rather than discussing what’s wrong or right, she could get curious.

Here’s what Emma came up with:
Old way: Your paperwork continues to be late, and that’s a problem. What plan can we make to get your paperwork in on time?

• The focus is on the work.

New way: I noticed (non-judgementally instead of critically) that you missed the deadlines on XYZ. Can we explore what’s going on for you that got in the way of meeting those deadlines?

• The focus is on the person.

Why this works
Here’s the thing, one can assume the employee wants to do their best work. When we start with that assumption that they mean no harm, instead of convincing them they’re doing things wrong, it changes the conversation’s tone.

Here are some other variations of polarized thining
I hear polarized thoughts when it becomes me versus you or us versus them. For example:

• Front line versus management
• The sector versus government
• The boards way versus the leader’s way
• The donor needs versus the organization’s needs.
• Men’s style versus how women tend to handle things.
  
  

The risks of polarized thinking
What leaders, teams and boards think in a polarized way:

• We see differences instead of similarities.
• We perceive everything at the extremes.
• It causes us to be judgemental — of ourselves and others.
• It triggers us, causing an irrational emotional reaction.
  
  

The fix for polarized thinking
***** Find the middle ground.

Engaged teams find ways to move forward together. They are open to innovative ideas, curiosity, a willingness to ask questions, and a deep desire to understand each other.

But you can’t get there when you can’t get off your side, and they will not get off their side.

Three ways to overcome polarized thinking
To overcome polarized thinking, use The Inner Guidance Cycle I teach in Mastering Confidence: Discover your leadership potential by awakening your inner guidance system

1) PAUSE
Create space so you can think.
2) PONDER
Ask yourself: What are the “sides” here?

• Them/Us
• Good/Bad
• Black/White
• Right/Wrong
• My Way/Their Way

3) PIVOT your perspective
Ask yourself: How do these views (my side their side) connect to each of our values and the organization’s values?

• This question will help you to see the person, not the problem. It will help you to humanize your work, making it way easier to find the middle ground.

3) PROCEED
Courageously re-engage in the conversation with a more open viewpoint and a willingness to find common ground.

More Help
If you are looking for more help, and are a member of The Training Library, make sure you go through the TIPS plans I teach you in the Webinar: How to prepare for a tough talk.

You may also find that reviewing your values from the Values Verification course may support your identification of sides.