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Nonprofits get out of survival mode and thrive in both leadership and like I'm your host leadership development Kathy Archer and I helped women leaders enjoy leadership you ever felt so angry at work that you lost it and then regretted it have you ever been so super excited and then realize maybe you should tone it down a little bit so which emotions are okay to express at work and when and how if you are like most women leaders struggle a little bit with composure and you wish that sometimes you can shut your emotions or leave them at the door push them down and forget about them and deal with stuff without worrying about your emotions hijacking you today I am going to give you one question to ask yourself and two strategies to help you figure out which emotions are okay and how to express your emotions at work because let's think about this for a moment but not too much and we need you to be caring and compassionate but not sappy and you certainly need to be patient but not a pushover and yes we want you to be cheerful and sunny but only to a point and it's okay to be frustrated and annoyed but again we don't want to see that face shows up sometimes and we don't want you to offend people how do you know which emotions to express and which you can't let start with the emotions first there are eight basic emotions and we often kind of stay at that level there's angry happy fears sad and then a few more that are kind of the basic ones anticipation surprise discussed and then acceptance but many of us stay at the level of anger or happy or fear or sad so when you think about a basic overarching emotion but underneath that there are many levels of anger and we sometimes forget to focus on what's called emotional granularity am I frustrated or am I bitter or am I mad or am I hostile and it's okay to be annoyed with somebody but angry the whole different range of emotion and so we need to know which it is that I'm at if I'm happy in my peaceful at my mellow a my joyful if I'm you're full of my scared of my anxious to my stomach to my nervous if I'm sad am I lonely am I ashamed of my depressed am I feeling guilty and many of us stopped at an angry or I'm happy that we don't get to that underline level and that's often while we struggle with figuring out which emotions are a safe and how can I express my emotions so here's a couple things you need to think about a week and not shut emotions off ever until you die you will always have emotions in you and so that mindset that I just need to shut my emotions off is actually not going to be very helpful to you when you try to shut your emotions off when you try to push them down when you try to leave them at the door before you go into a difficult conversation or talk meeting they are still there and buy not managing them and being aware of them are actually going to sneak up behind you and hijacked you and you had that happen a million times you're in control during Angie comments that you're digging at people or you're in tears and where did that come from I thought I had things under control and it's because you trying to shut you off that doesn't work
so the question you need to ask yourself is: Am I in control of my emotions or are my emotions in control of me? because you're going to experience emotions all the time the question is how are you expressing those emotions so if I am angry or I'm mad or I'm irritated and if you don't recognize that in that meeting the more they pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing you the angrier and angrier and angrier get and frustrated too angry to hostile you can jump those levels really fast if you're not careful so it's important for you to first ask yourself am I in control of emotions are in control of me cuz that's going to help you recognize Express anger at work but it's so the thing you need to ask yourself am I in control of the emotion or emotion in control of me is to do these two things maybe emotion came the emotions so it's recognizing that I am feeling anxious right now I'm feeling there's lots going on in my Play-Doh starting to feel overwhelmed I am feeling like I'm panicked because the due date is tomorrow a bit overwhelmed overwhelmed you might try to push it down so I guess they're busy and it's just frustrating and maybe I'll have to go get it myself and then when you start to feel overwhelmed you change from that annoy my God this is never going to work at these voices in your head start to suck you down and pull you into that place of this is never going to happen you're just a jumbled mess but then the day before the reporters doing you still don't have all the clock is ticking and that's when you snap at somebody you are you're not just experiencing the emotion but you're expressing the emotion inappropriately for a leader not wrong to have the emotion Express the emotions it's how you express emotion that ski this is all about emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence and manage your emotions quickly and accurately so when you think about recognize and manage your emotions its first being aware that I have emotions how do they show up what does annoy feel like in my body versus anger I have to know when that tension needs that I'm feeling overwhelmed versus angry at to know that the tightness in my chest is a sign that someone is questioning my integrity versus the tightness in your chest is anger in the training Library I have a whole course on emotional control via emotional literacy and it's all about understanding how your emotions work but then the literacy part is finding the right word to describe what you're feeling I was talking to a client yesterday and I was hearing this so she's been trying and trying and she been working to change things for months and she's got evil some ground and it felt like I was at work and I said I feel like there's a level of I just don't care she said no resentment I resent the stuff for how they're treating me and what they're doing to our team and for her to be able to understand that it's not a pasillas resentment the shift to be able to go from I don't care I give up to know I resent resent this morning that angry place powerful for her to recognize I resent my staff and to be able to then take apart that sought those feelings and then evaluate this how I want to leave my come into office into the office every day feeling resentful certainly that's going to show in how I interact with my team and so that a weirdest for her is powerful so recognizing is being aware of what the emotion are and then managing it is it's like being able to sort of if you have an ought but you know the volume on a button this is where we get this emotional granularity from being annoyed and irritated to resentful too angry to Bitter it's like turning the volume up and so she has to come I recognize that I'm feeling resentful I don't want to be there but I also need to communicate that in some way to the stop or understand how to manage that emotion and for her what was happening was you know they were and resentful how do I communicate to them that you know I come in every day and I bring this level of energy and I come in on my phone what can we do as a team to change the energy having so that were impacting others more positively because your brain is suck every time we come in here it's not going to be helpful to me other than resentful and that shift for her is the powerful shift so that's how you start to part in my book mastering confidence I really give you that too will you start to pause what's up and that's the key with emotions you cannot shut them off but you can choose emotions you can create emotions so rather than feeling resentful which you're looking for every time they do something that I resent them you can start to look for opportunities to find Joy excitement create Joy excited to get curious about what they like about your job picture is about how you can impact people you can rather than head into the office every day with his inner Mantra oh my God this is sucks I don't know if I want to do this and start looking for other what you can do is heading to the office with your favourite playlist going that creates the emotion that you want that creates the feeling you want before you can manage it so name it to tame it is kind of the emotional Mantra I hope you realize by now that it's not a question of which emotions are okay to express at work how do I express my emotions and I am I in control of my emotions am I in control of my emotions or are my emotions in control of me and then name the emotion and come back to getting really clear on that emotional granularity what exactly such as anger so what kind of that irritation annoyed frustrated mad and I am I feeling lost out what am I feeling or if there's a level of fear is it really that I'm nervous about my skills and abilities or am I feeling helpless when you going to support me or am I anxious about this because I'm not sure payment and tame it is really coming back to what I said there a minute ago about the inner guidance cycle name what's going on look at it is this going to help me move to where I want to go and it's not start to shift it when you start to get control of them feels emotions by naming it to tame it and then you're the one who's in control of his emotions rather than getting hijacked that's when you're going to become that compose later that's when you stopped are going to look at you and go wow she can handle stuff under pressure keeps you don't maintaining that meeting Floyd you know if you ever been thrown under the bus at a meeting you know that you can shut down really fast you can feel humiliated or you can turn around and bite make a biting, back at somebody or when you learn to recognize your emotions name it to tame it you can come back and say something that's actually going to put you back in control and back to the level of feeling confident so you might say I'm feeling really backed into a corner right now and I recognize that I don't like this feeling and it's probably not helpful for us as a team but I also have some information that I need to get and come back to you pause this part of the conversation cuz I don't think it's going to go and we're going to come back to it and then identify how you're going to communicate back to them but it's recognizing Felix run under the bus here and I don't like this feeling is not helping our team recognizing. But we have to do is leaders is to do this this ongoing work so that we can do this in the moment so that you can come back with that confidence statement that I can control you still feel you still feel attacked in that moment type of person you don't want to be a shutdown you get to control that emotion or emotion by naming them and taming them that's my dear when you're going to get out of survival mode and was just driving today's episode helpful that you are going to love training Library organization can afford it but you can inside of the training Library membership sites you will not only get access to Affordable and easily accessible ongoing personal and professional development also have access to leadership coach at your fingertips that way when you hit those inevitable challenges that leadership will bring your way you'll have both and the support to navigate your way through them with confidence composure and while keeping your integrity intact to find out more head to kathyarcher.com Feel like you are ready to lose your cool today? Did you get your knickers in a knot this week? Are you about to lose your cool today? Are you afraid you are going to lose your cool today? Do this so you don't lose your cool today! Losing your cool at work, ain't cool! ABOUT ME: Hi, I am Leadership Development Coach Kathy Archer. I help women leaders ditch survival mode and enjoy impactful leadership! You do that when you: * Develop your CONFIDENCE * Maintain your COMPOSURE * Lead with INTEGRITY FIND ME HERE: My Website: kathyarcher.com My book - Mastering Confidence Twitter @kathydarcher Instagram @kathydarcher LinkedIn @kathydarcher Facebook: @kathydarcher YouTube: @kathydarcher
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