The "facts"
We do want "it all!"

• There are tons of demands on you at work.
• If you are honest, you are also eager to do the work. No, not all of it, but there are parts of your job you love. Please don't feel ashamed that you are strongly committed to your job!
• You also want to be there for your family, take care of yourself and have strong personal relationships.

The stigma
Honestly, it often feels like you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't" If you give too much at work, you are judged as not being there for your family. The reverse is true too. Take too much time off, waver about travel or talk too much about your kids and your commitment to the job can be in question.

The desire
It's true. Countless studies and online forums have women attest to this. In a recent study from the Ontario Nonprofit Network, women identified flexibility as one thing they were looking for because they were struggling with work-life balance. We desire the freedom to have some flexibility so we can juggle everything a bit easier.

The truth
The demands in social media and the recommendations in reports are clear; organizations need to provide the right culture, offer flexibility, ensure wage equity and offer fair opportunities for advancement. While these are all critical factors, it's only half of the equation.

The other half is you. The truth is you also need to step up confidently.

• It doesn't matter if your organization offers you flexibility if you still feel guilty about saying no to travel and going anyhow.
• It doesn't make a difference if the job offer is there and you hold yourself back from applying on it.
• It doesn't matter if you continue to take on more than you can do, because you struggle to set boundaries, feel uncomfortable holding others accountable for their part or resist asking for help.

It takes two to tangle
You are fully in the challenge. Rather than being the victim of the circumstances, I encourage you to step forward with hope, optimism and a belief that you can find a way to find more balance.


The way - - > Change your mindset
Finding a new way starts with the right mindset.

Ditch the fixed mindset. That is the one that believes:

• Nothing will ever change!
• I can't "change the world"
• It's just the way it is.

Instead, embrace a growth mindset. That is one that believes:

• Bit by bit, things will start to change.
• I impact the way my life is, and I choose to do that.
• I can change my world, and that will ripple out to the bigger world.

If you need some help finding the mindset that will help you find success, tune in to this training on finding your Success Mindset!


The new truth
We can change "the world" together. It's not easy. It will take time. But keep this in mind: Someone has to start. We are being offered a hand...it might seem tentative, but it's there. The sector is demanding equity, fairness and flexibility. It's time we do our part to make it happen.

Believe with your whole heart, that work-life balance IS possible! 
​
p.s. This whole journey starts with believing you can do it. That's confidence, my dear! Make sure to grab your copy of Mastering Confidence and re-read it if need be! Do the free course that goes with the book and then take in extra training here. Master confidence and you'll be well on your way to finding more balance!

I have felt this way sooooo often!
I have multiple journal entries that indicate all through my years as a leader, and even now, I can say yes often to these questions. I've felt lonely, not understood and ached for a hug so often I couldn't even begin to count the times. It feels very isolating and even scary at times.


You'd be surprised to know how many other women feel this way too!
If you look around your office, across the boardroom table today or through your list of names in your inbox, you'd be surprised how many of the women you come across would answer the same way. Even women that you think have it all together, seem so connected and confident.


But we keep it a secret
Here's the thing. Most of them would not admit they are lonely. Not in the vulnerable way you and I are talking about right now. Most would brush it off, hide it or downplay it.


Secrets lead to shame
We know that when you keep something hidden, it leads to suffering and shame. We feel wrong about how we feel. We feel guilty. We are reminded we are supposed to be grateful. So we assume that we should shake it off and move on and certainly not tell anyone or admit how bad it is.


Instead, awaken your self-compassion
If what I said is true earlier, that you are not the only woman leader feeling isolated and alone, then it might also be true that it is a very real part of being a woman leader that we will experience the feeling of loneliness. It would also be true then, that we aren't weird, wrong, bad or selfish for desiring connection.

This recognition that we aren't alone is one of the 3 components of self-compassion. Expert Kristen Nef describes as "Common Humanity vs Isolation." She describes it as:

• ..... a pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Next steps for you
With this new understanding, we can let go of the shame of reaching out.

• We can look for places to be vulnerable and ask if someone wants to go for coffee.
• We can hug ourselves.
• We can remind ourselves, that somewhere else in a little office in another province of Canada, there is another lady who very much feels like crying, yelling or giving up. Knowing it's not just you, lets you let go of the shame and accept what you feel as ok.

If you want to know how much self-compassion you have, take Kristen Nef's self-compassion test here.

One other little reminder...
it's hard to be compassionate to others ...
a strength of great leaders...if you don't exercise self-compassion!

Let's see if I am right
Email me and let me know if you've ever felt lonely, isolated or crave connection. Tell me a story about it if you'd like! I'd love to know what it felt like for you and what you did about it, whether that was reaching out, or hiding it.

I'm going to keep track of how many responses I get and report back in the Confident Women Leaders Community. By the way, that's a great place to share stories, challenges and ask for something you need.


Please do this:
If I could recommend one thing for you to do today, it would be this:
Go someplace where no one can see you, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself the most loving and compassionate hug you can. 
You are worth it!

One more thing:
Here is something to think about: When you role-model self-compassion for the younger women in your life, they will learn to practice it much quicker in their leadership journey!

Emotionally Intelligent women leaders are more effective, stronger and more impactful than their less emotionally intelligent counterparts. How did they develop their emotional intelligence? By increasing their emotional vocabulary. The more accurately you can name your emotion, the quicker you can move through it. You get control of your emotions by getting clear on your emotions. Clarity is the ticket. 

In this blog, you'll begin to understand how to gain that emotional clarity thus giving you back emotional control and increasing your emotional intelligence.  

i
Here are some trivia questions to get you started...Do you know...

• How many notes are there in musical scales?
• How many subject pronouns in the French language?
• How many different emotion or feeling words are there?

I don't honestly know either 🙈however, Wikipedia says the chromatic scale has 12 notes, there are 6 types of subject pronouns in the French language, and there are 4, 6 or 8 basic emotions depending on who's theory you follow. Newer research is suggesting there are close to 30,000 emotional words.

Do you know what French, musical notes and emotion words have in common?

Here is what they have in common. They are all ways of communicating.

• I can sing: You are my Sunshine, as I often do to my granddaughter showing her how much I love her.
• I can ask you: Où se trouvent les toilettes
• I can tell you: I'm angry, annoyed or irate

Each time I am communicating. But just as easily I can miscommunicate and ask for something totally different than the washroom, completely off tune annoying my granddaughter or use the word angry when I really mean hurt.

How often are you miscommunicating your feelings?
Miscommunication is one of the biggest challenges in relationships, at home and at work.

• We don't say things clearly.
• We assume others know what we mean.
• We don't check to see that we were heard.

The first one, saying things clearly, means we must first know clearly what we want to communicate. That's the problem, many times we don't specifically know what we are feeling and so we can't clearly communicate it.

• We don't know if we are mad or hurt or jealous.
• We haven't sorted out if we are nervous or excited.
• We don't name feeling insecure, doubtful or a lack of confidence. Instead, we get defensive or shut down.

Given there may be 30,000 feeling words, here's the problem...most of us only use a select few...Brene Brown suggests we can only name 3 emotions. Click here to hear which 3. When we stick to those basic emotions, we are missing a big part of our own understanding of what is going on inside of us. That leads to us simply trying to shut our emotions off, minimize them or push them down. When that happens, we lose control.

Emotional Intelligence requires emotional literacy
Emotional Intelligence is being able to both recognize and manage our emotions. To do that, you need to increase your emotional literacy.

• If you are travelling to France, you will want to increase your French speaking vocabulary.
• If you want to sing better, you may learn to read music.
• If you want increased Emotional Intelligence, you'll take time to expand your emotional literacy.

Practice Expanding your Emotional Vocabulary: Do this:
Thank about a particular situation today. It could have been "good" or not so "good.? Then take a moment to write down a few emotions you felt then. Try to get to at least 10.
Then grab a thesaurus and look for other words that might more clearly describe your emotions. Voila, you are on the road to expanding your emotional vocabulary!

Continue to grow your emotional vocabulary, and you will become more emotionally literate. That will increase your emotional control and your emotional intelligence! One last thing: Emotions are not bad, wrong or a problem for women leaders. We just need to learn to harness the power of our emotions!!! You will do that when you expand your emotional vocabulary!