Nonprofit Women Leaders Do Not Have To Stay Stuck In Survival Mode

As a woman leading in a nonprofit many of these thoughts may go through your head daily:

These phrases are all signs you might be stuck in survival mode as you lead, manage or supervise your nonprofit team.

If you are all too familiar with these phrases and want to change that, keep reading. I am going to show you how to move from just surviving to thriving in both leadership and life!

Sadly, far too many women leader in nonprofits regularly recite similar lines like "Just get me through today!" Regardless of the version, each of these mantras is a red flag signalling that you might be in survival mode. We've all been there at some point or another. 
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Survival mode becomes a problem when you live there, rather than visit there.

There will always be busy times. Leaders are constantly involved in the ebb and flow of new projects, the shifts of contractual expectations, annual budget cycles, performance reviews, grant proposals or contract renewals. It's the job. There is no way around it.

But as you begin to learn how to ditch survival mode, I am not talking so much about work itself. Instead, I am focusing on your attitude towards the work, how you balance your workload, and how the work impacts you and your relationship with your work. 

How that all affects you falls on a continuum. So let's first look at opposite ends of the spectrum.
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Survival mode is characterized by fear. You are always afraid of falling apart, dropping the ball or losing it emotionally. You are barely hanging on, just getting by or just trying to stay alive. 

• In survival mode, it feels like everything is a battle, and you must suffer through it or endure the storm. As a result, you have little energy and are negative, cynical or openly apathetic. Perhaps you've found yourself muttering "Whatever!" a little too frequently.

Those in survival mode tend to feel isolated and alone. It doesn't feel like anyone cares about you or that you have anyone on your team. It often seems like "they" are out to get you.

When I was in survival mode, I honestly hated a few people and loathed a couple of others. I always felt like they were ready to throw me under the bus!

This end of the spectrum, survival, is marked by crisis management, putting out fires and only day-to-day sustainability. Lord knows you can't last like this forever. Burnout is knocking on your door.

On the right end of the continuum, the thriving mode is characterized by passion. You bloom and flourish as you learn new things and take on engaging projects. To many, it is an adventure with a purpose. You are blooming and flourishing as you learn new things and take on engaging projects. 

Those in thriving mode tend to feel confident, courageous and resilient.
It isn't that people at this end of the continuum don't encounter challenges; the difference is that they are confident they can handle challenges. 

When I moved into the thriving mode, I was eager to go to work, felt like I was doing meaningful work and could say I was stretched, but not to the point of snapping.

This end of the spectrum, thriving, is marked by feelings of being engaged, supported and connected. Leaders in thriving mode feel like they belong to a broader community of support and feel they are making a positive impact through their work.

​Rarely are any of us entirely at one end of the spectrum. We are likely at some point in between. We ebb and flow daily. Depending on where you are, whom you interact with, and the day's agenda, you can shoot from one end of the continuum to the other quickly. As such, most of us sit somewhere along the surviving to thriving continuum, moving around various points in the middle.

In the center of the surviving to thriving continuum is what I call coping mode. You are doing more than barely getting by, but you're not feeling so alive that you want to yell from the mountaintops about how much you love your job. Instead, you go to work and have some good days, lots of so-so days and a few insane days. 

• The coping mode can also be thought of as maintaining. You're doing good enough, the best you can or at least less than bad. You exist. 

Some leaders are bored in the middle. There is no challenge, no pull or drive to use your skills and talents fully. Often it's a sign you have been in the same position for longer than you should have been.

• In this coping mode, many leaders tolerate, settle, or comply with less-than-stellar workplace environments, teams, and bosses. Things aren't good, but not so bad that you feel urged to rock the boat

When I was in coping mode, I felt emotionally flatlined. I didn't feel a lot of excitement or joy. Instead, it felt more like I was running around the same hamster wheel day after day. I had a few friends to connect with that would let me vent, but not enough support to move the needle forward.
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Coping mode ranges from short-term stability, meaning you could go on like this for a few months, to a way of life. Sadly, many women leaders believe this is just the way it is, and they don't think they can change it. So instead of a period before things move one way or the other, leaders stay in coping mode for most of their careers.

How can you, the nonprofit leader move from survival to thriving as you lead? The truth is you can move from surviving to coping to thriving at work and in life. You have a choice. You do not have to stay stuck in your current mode forever. For you to move forward along the continuum, there are three key things you need to do.
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Grab the guide to get you out of survival mode. Use it to assess where you land regularly. Awareness is always the first step to change. Seeing it in "black and white" can sometimes provide the catalyst you need to make some changes.

Also, notice where or when you tend to slip into survival mode. Is it a particular time of year? 

• Do you find yourself in survival mode whenever you start a new program or hire a new person? 
• Do you notice movement towards thriving when you get involved in a particular committee or project that excites you? 

The answers to these questions all increase your awareness and become keys that can be used to move to the right of the continuum. ​

​Change takes time and effort. You will need to be intentional about making the change. To help you, create goals that you are aiming for. I call this your Thriving Target!
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Thriving is growing and being challenged in a good way. It is about doing meaningful work yet maintaining balance. You will need to get clear on what that looks like specifically for you.

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To move to the right and thrive, you must create new habits. Your current habits are keeping you stuck. You've likely been sitting at the edge of survival mode for quite a while. You know it well. It's become a way of life. 
You have developed damaging habits to cope with lack of sleep, missed meals, and limited time for yourself and your family. 
You know how to get the critical things done with a hectic schedule at the office and have a system in place for ensuring you meet everyone's basic needs, but not much more. 
You habitually put off reading that book, taking that personal development course or going to that training you are passionate about because it's just not that important. Oh, but my dear, it is!!! You are worth it. 
To thrive at work and in life, you must create new habits around self-care, self-reflection and self-improvement.

​This is going to take time and effort. But please don't think you have to do it all alone! I'm on your team. Each week I teach you the daily steps you need to take and the mindset shifts you need to make to increase your competence, feel more confident and THRIVE in leadership and life!​

Have you ever avoided a tough conversation, that you know you should have? 

We all have. Unfortunately, when we don't deal with them, they tend to fester and problems get worse.

Keep reading to learn how to create a plan to get you through "that" conversation in a way that feels authentic and confident!

​Let me start with a story:
I have a decision to make today…..ok…let me rephrase that. I’ve made a decision, now I need to communicate it to someone, and I’m not looking forward to it. 

• I think she’s going to take it the wrong way. 
• It makes me feel like a big meanie.
• I have the urge to put it off another week and see if things will fix themselves.
• Yet, it’s important that I focus on sharing the message authentically and clearly so that I can move on, and so can she. 

Not communicating a decision already made is taking up brainpower, emotional energy and time. I need a plan of how to communicate it and still feel I’ve been honest and genuine.

❓️Can you relate❓️
Do you have a conversation you need to have with someone and are dreading it? 😩

Having tough conversations takes discipline.
You need the self-control to do it, even when your inner self is screaming: 

• Are you nuts? 
• This is not going to be pretty! 
• You’re going to get your head bit off! 
• They will take it totally the wrong way! 
• Why don’t you just let someone else deal with it? 
• Maybe it will just go away. Just avoid them for a few days!

Your inner voice keeps you small!
To shush that nattering voice that keeps you lacking the courage to deal with the thing with integrity you need willpower.

Willpower is that inner will that will tell all that negativity to be quiet so you can awaken that courageous you that is hiding quietly in the background. 

Having a tough conversation takes willpower!
And here’s the truth: You need to strengthen your willpower so you can handle that tough conversation and get done what matters most!💪

Here's how willpower & tough conversations fit together
Let look at the components of willpower as they relate to difficult conversations. Willpower is the ability to:
      💥manage your thoughts.
      💥manage your emotions.
      💥resist urges and distractions
      💥focus on what matters most!

Imagine being a leader who can keep your thoughts and emotions in check and handle a tough conversation with courage, confidence and integrity!!!🙌

Let's back up a moment
Imagine the next tough talk that you have coming up.

• What makes it a tough talk? 🤔
• What is it about that conversation that makes you feel queasy, nervous, angry, or worried? ✍️
• Why is it that you want to cancel it, are dreading it or considering calling in sick that day? ✍️

My guess is several things could come into play.

• That tough conversation maybe with someone who has a strong personality
• Perhaps you’ve clashed in the past with this individual
• Maybe you’re worried that they’re going to be sensitive to the information you share

Now, let's look at how your willpower, or lack of willpower may come into play. When you think about how you define it as a tough conversation, consider:
     🔹What thoughts come up for you?
     🔹What emotions are connected to those thoughts?
     🔹Where might you allow yourself to be distracted?
     🔹What urges do you have about that meeting?
     🔹What will be important about focusing during that talk?

👉️Thoughts, feelings, resisting urges and distraction and focusing, all of the components of willpower are all going to play a role in that tough conversation. It will be your inner discipline or willpower that will help you stay engaged in a conversation when you don’t feel like it; 

You need a plan!!!! 👇️Here's how:
The best way to stay authentically and courageously in that uncomfortable conversation is to pre-plan. You need to know ahead of time:

• What unhelpful thoughts are unconscious in your mind 
  • i.e. They don’t like me! I’m not skilled at confrontation.
• What emotions are triggered by those thoughts 
  • i.e. inferiority, doubt, fear
• What urges may emerge as a result? 
  • i.e.the urge to shut down, tune them out, get defensive or conform, please or condone their behaviour.
• And what you are going to do about all of that so that you can focus on what matters most in that tough talk:
  • To keep your thoughts positive, optimistic and keep that inner dialogue reminding you that you are capable, courageous and confident.
  • To focus on having the emotional intelligence to manage your emotions.
  • To focus on keeping unhelpful distractions and urges at bay
  • To focus on your relationship, the goals for your organization, this person, as a person

You, my dear, need to have a plan to use your willpower wisely.

✏️Here’s your homework.
Identify the next difficult, tough or challenging conversation you have.

1. Schedule 15 minutes into your calendar to plan for that upcoming talk.
2. During your planning time, identify:
   1. ​The thoughts you have about that conversation
   2. What feelings emerge as a result of those thoughts
   3. What urges you might have that won’t be helpful to move that conversation forward
   4. What you need to do to focus during that tough talk so you can feel confident getting through it.
3. Approach your next conversation knowing even though it still may be tough; you’ll get through it feeling honest, authentic and with your integrity intact! 

🆘Need help?
Members of The Training Library can find this WEBINAR: How to prepare for a tough talk so you can handle it with integrity to help you plan your way to confidence!

Hey my dear,

What do these examples have in common with you?

• When I was introduced to coaching, I had just had a grievance filed against me by one of my staff
• When someone recommended that Sasha talk to me, it was because she’d just received a less than glowing performance appraisal
• When Kristen first called me, she was being bullied by someone in her office.
• When Paula first reached out, she was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of her new leadership role.

While you may not be experiencing any of those, my guess is at some point in your career, you’ve experienced something similar.

Have you hit a bump?
The truth is, while sometimes things roll along smoothly, we often hit a bump as leaders, and that bump creates a small or a big, mess in our lives.

• Conflict 
• Tension 
• Drama 
• Health issues 
• Relationship issues 

These bumps threaten our security, stability, and our sanity!

How are you approaching your bump?
How you get through each of those situations, defines the future of your leadership journey.  
✅Your style of communication
✅The resources you reach for
✅The strategies you use to grow
The type of person and leader you become are shaped by how you approach each bump along the way.

Can you learn anything from how we approached our bumps?
Each of us approached our bumps in our own ways.

• I went through coaching.
• Sasha initially reached for a trusted advisor who then recommended a leadership assessment that I offer.
• Kristen called me to ask about team training; however, as we began to talk, recognized that was she who needed the support first to deal with how the traumatic impact of what she was going through.
• Paula read every book she could find and committed to a lifelong journey of personal and professional growth.

This is how our approaches shaped us. Do they sound outcomes you want?
How each of us approached our bump, has  shaped the type of leader we are today.

• I feel confident to mentor and coach women leaders to be their best while finding balance with life
• Sasha received a performance appraisal a year later noting how inspiring she is for her team
• Kristen took time to heal before regaining her strength and composure to lead her team even more powerfully.
• Paula lifelong journey of personal and professional growth has rubbed off on her leadership team. The shift in focus on growing each member individually has created a cohesive team.

The question for you today is: What’s your current bump and what’s your approach to dealing with it?

• Are you just hoping it will go away️
• Are you waiting for someone else to change️
• Are you praying for someone to magically swoop in and fix it for you️
• Or are you taking responsibility for yourself, your impact, your growth, and who you are becoming as a leader?​

It’s how you deal with the tough days, that will shape your leadership character!
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Would you like to feel confident that you will be able to maintain your composure in your next meeting or conversation? If you are like most leaders...
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You have a tough conversation or meeting coming up. 

• You worry you’ll say something wrong, and everyone will know you're unsure and worse they’ll see it! 
• You fear they will hear it in your voice, see your hands shaking or wonder if you are about to break down. 

But what you deeply desire is to feel composed. 

You want to walk away feeling like you didn’t get your panties in a knot; unruffled and clearheaded. 

What gets in the way of that: 

Unmanaged thoughts and emotions. That’s the bottom line. 
When you feel flustered in a meeting when your nerves get the better of you, and you feel anything but composed, it’s because your thoughts and emotions have gone crazy.

​Your thoughts and emotions are in control of you instead of you being in control of them 🥴

If you want to find yourself feeling calm, confident & in control
in your next meeting, learn to develop your strength of will.

🦉Daniel Goleman defines willpower this way: 
​"Willpower is the ability to consciously regulate what you feel and what you do".


Think of any strong, competent and composed leader you know, and I bet they can regulate themselves! The good new is you can also learn to regulate you what think, feel and what you do too!

If you want to become a more composed leader,
grow your willpower!

What if I told you that your ability to lead with integrity is only as good as the management of your stress? It's true! 

Consider these questions:

• If you are tense and agitated, how quickly are you making decisions? 
  
  • And, are they the decisions you would have made if you'd taken a few minutes to breathe and reflect with more focus?
• If you have a mountain of deadlines, meetings and emails weighing you down, will you take time to reflect on what's deeply important to you?
• If you are numbing out with painkillers, prescriptions, alcohol, social media or Netflix, can you think clearly about how to stand up for what you morally believe in?

I'm guessing you'd say no to those questions.
However, if you are like most leaders self-care, wellness and your health are often put on the side while you put out fires, juggle crisis and focus on just surviving this meeting, just getting through today, or coping with this busy time.

Keep reading to learn how you can gain the trust of your team and have them judge you as being a leader with integrity.