3 Steps to Becoming a Better Leader (and having fewer regrets)

​If you've said or done something you regret at work lately, this is for you. We've all been there. Losing it is embarrassing! It also doesn't help you gain respect from your employees.

Many times I said something I regretted
Years ago, as I was yelling at my admin support, I was not in control of what I was saying.  I’m pretty sure the words just spewed out of my mouth without any, conscious thought, preplanning or concern for their impact.  The effect was damaging to my the relationship.   At that point in my early career as a leader, I truly lacked emotional intelligence.  

Emotional Intelligence is Important for Leaders
Emotional intelligence is the ability to both become aware of our emotions and to manage your emotions.  In leadership, both of those are critical, especially when dealing with challenging situations.

Emotional intelligence, a term coined by Daniel Goldman, is

the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

The first key to increasing your Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness
You must be aware of what you are thinking and feeling. A million thoughts are going through our minds at any given moment.  Most of those thoughts are unconscious. It is our thoughts create our emotions and then how we act.  We need to get more aware of those thoughts before they hijack our emotions.

• If I think someone is attacking me, I feel defensive. I might then lash out. 
• If I think something it is scary, I feel worried or anxious. I then act paranoid. When I am fearful, I might unreasonably stifle staff's creativity.
• If I think the staff are inept, I feel annoyed when they make a mistake. My reaction then might be to use sarcasm to try to make a point about their lack of skills. 

Step #1 - Pay attention to your thoughts 
Notice when you think someone is not doing something right, or when doesn’t care about their job, or is out to get you. Become more aware when you are critical of yourself, or when you are judging someone motives. 

Try naming your feelings. 

• Wow, that just made me feel defensive.
• When he said that I became annoyed.
• The way she said that just made me tense up.

Step # 2 - Challenge your thoughts

• Is what you are thinking true?  
• Is there another way to see it?  
• What else might be possible?

When you start to think differently, you feel different.

Step #3 – Manage your thoughts
After you become aware of your thoughts, you can choose to change them. When you change your thoughts, you change your emotions. 

When you notice that you’re angry because the staff has not done what you thought, they should do, you can consciously plan your response rather than simply reacting out of anger.

The first response might be:

•  Well, that was a dumb thing to do, wasn’t it?

When you manage your emotions, the response might be more like:

• When you do that way, it affects the rest of the team in this way...

Another example:
Imagine being exasperated with all the questions from your employees about the newly released form that you are reviewing together. That exasperation might lead you to respond with this kind of comment:

• Look, that’s just the way it is. Suck it up.

An Emotionally Intelligent leader would recognize their irritation. They might have noticed their agitation building.  This would have been a clue for them about what was going on for them emotionally.

A more aware leader would have perhaps considered what the staff were thinking.
I’m assuming the staff are asking stupid questions. But the truth may be that they are anxious about these new forms. They may be worried about the extra work it is going to make for them. 

The emotionally aware leader might then craft a response differently. For example, they may say:

• Hey, guys, I feel your anxiety around this new form.  Let’s give it a try, and we’ll re-evaluate it in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, make sure to note any concerns. 

Grow your Emotional Intelligence, grow your leadership
When you work on your emotional intelligence, you work on your leadership. When you are better able to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions the way you lead will change, for the better. Learn more about emotional intelligence in my book Mastering Confidence: Reach Your Leadership Potential by Awakening Your Inner Guidance System. In it, you'll discover a system that you can use in your already busy days, to become more emotionally intelligent and confident!