7 Magical Mantra's to Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

As women leaders in nonprofit organizations, you often find yourself needing to navigate a challenging conversation. Whether addressing policy violations or managing performance issues, these discussions tend to evoke much 😩 angst and worry over how they will go. 


It's your job to have difficult conversations
But having difficult conversations is part of being a leader. The problem is that often when we think about these upcoming exchanges, we're trying to figure out how to have that conversation without thinking about the how. 👈🏻Yes, reread that sentence. As we rehearse an upcoming conversation in our heads, we are trying to figure out WHAT to say rather than HOW to say it.  


But you are missing a key component of preparations for these conversations
We meticulously plan our arguments, gather evidence, and outline our case.
To prepare, you:

• Get the policy out, review it, and print a copy off to go over with them.
• Make a list of how many times they've been late. 
• Document everything they are supposed to be doing but not doing.

All of that is important, but WHO will you be, and HOW will you engage when you have that conversation?
We think less about HOW we will engage, connect, influence, impact, listen, hear, and understand.

Understanding. That's a good place to start. When we engage in a difficult conversation, we seek to be understood rather than to understand. So we gather the information but try to shut off who we are.


We want to be DETACHED in tough conversations
​I often hear women say I'm just going to go in, be clear, non-emotional, or detached.

But what they're really doing is going into a conversation with lots of emotions.

😤 😡 😣They are annoyed, irritated, frustrated, and trying to pretend that they're not. Yet, when I ask my clients what happens when they are annoyed, irritated, or frustrated, they tell me things like:

• My lips purse 
• My face gets red
• My eyebrows furrow
• My heart races, and so do my words
• Then, I struggle to get the words out

🙈 And although they know they can't hide all these things, they hope the other person doesn't notice. But they are only kidding themselves.

Deep down, you know that others probably pick up on it even when you pretend you aren't annoyed, irritated or frustrated. 


You need to manage your emotions so you can engage in the conversation
​The truth is emotions will arise during difficult conversations. As much as we might try to conceal them, our nonverbal cues and internal experiences can be telling. Rather than suppressing or denying these emotions, you need to acknowledge and address your emotions to deal with a challenging conversation confidently.

🤔 Before the conversation:

1. Take time to process your emotional response to the upcoming conversation.
2. Identify what parts of the conversation might trigger you and how you'll remain in control of your emotions if that happens.
3. Be intentional about what emotions you want to feel during the meeting and what will help you create those emotions. 

My client experienced an ah ha
A client told me she wanted to stop being so passionate in conversations. I asked her how passion shows up during a conversation. When she's passionate, my client said she talks a lot, talks fast and gives lots of details.


🟦 I want to stop being passionate
I suggested that instead of shutting the passion off that, she manage the passion and focus on being clear and concise in her message and then pausing, allowing the other person time to soak it and respond. Passion isn't the issue. That is, in fact, what we are looking for👇🏻

🟦 Oh wait...I do want to be passionate
If I asked you how you want to feel about your job, you might tell me you want to feel engaged, excited, and eager to be there. Wouldn't you say that's passion? So when the behaviour of someone on your team is negatively impacting a client, why wouldn't you be passionate?
✅ It's how you use that passion that's important.

🟦 Ah, I have to learn to manage my passion
When my client realized this, she was very intrigued. She does care deeply about the work she and her team are doing. It's no wonder she's passionate.
🌱 Learning to manage it rather than shutting it off is her place for growth!


You need to choose the emotions you want to bring into the conversation
​When you prepare ahead of time, you'll approach the discussion with greater clarity, empathy, and control, paving the way for a more productive dialogue.

Remember, the way we approach the conversation has a profound impact on its outcome. Difficult conversations are more effective when we focus less on content and more on the connection. The best way to do that is to let go of being right and understood and instead become curious and seek to understand.

Often, our natural inclination during difficult conversations is to seek to be understood. We aim to get our point across, make our case, and ensure our perspective is acknowledged. However, a shift in mindset is necessary for building strong, trusting relationships with your employees. Instead of solely focusing on being understood, cultivate a genuine curiosity to understand the other person's viewpoint. Doing so creates an environment that encourages openness, empathy, and collaboration.


Seven Mantras to Help You Through Tough Conversations

1️⃣ Curiosity is critical

• Ask what and how questions that point to the future.

2️⃣ Emotions are everything

• Learn to manage them, not shut them off.

3️⃣ Pause before you proceed

• Take time to prepare for the conversation.
• Take 3 minutes to ground yourself before going into the conversation.

4️⃣ Connect before you continue.

• Look them in the eye and genuinely ask them about their day or how they are doing. Connect to them as a person before you dive into the content.

5️⃣ Put the relationship before the responsibility

• Yes, you need to address performance, AND your job as a leader is to build new leaders. That takes a strong, trusting relationship.  

6️⃣ It's not just about the content; it's about the connection

• Being curious about their mindset, point of view and circumstances while having empathy and outlining expectations takes extra effort. But you can do this! 

7️⃣ The inner work is the work!

• Leadership is about personal growth. You won't truly grow as a leader until you grow yourself as a person.

Your focus needs to be on WHO you will be while you are talking about the WHAT
​When you prepare for difficult conversations, remember that the strength of your connection is the key part. By focusing on the type of person you are in those conversations, you can create a safe space that promotes understanding, collaboration, and growth. Remember, it's not just about the content; it's about the connection. 


📗 If you need help, read this:
​You may want some help to learn to dig deep and focus on how to have a conversation rather than what you will discuss if the conversation takes some work.

Fellow coach Michael Bangay, Stanier recently published his latest book, How to Work with Almost Anyone.
In it, you will learn five questions for building possible relationships with some of those people you aren't sure you will ever get along with.

I highly recommend that you grab it and do the work to focus on how to have conversations, not just the content of the conversations.

When you do, it will be incredible peace to help you manage your emotions and increase your emotional intelligence while having those conversations with difficult people. 

 p.s. The inner work IS the work! Where will you start today to grow yourself from the inside out?