Once, I had two staff members who hated each other. You might think that's harsh, but at the time, they couldn't even stand to be in the same room with each other!
I had a TOXIC workplace culture on my hands!But that wasn't the worst of it. It wasn't how they felt about each other. The worst of it was that the conflict between the two team members created a toxic work environment. The rest of the team felt forced to take sides. They avoided dealing with issues that needed addressing because there was just too much tension in the office. The rest of the team also felt the ongoing tension, causing them not to want to work. How did I deal with the TOXIC workplace culture?If you've ever been in that situation, you probably want to know how to deal with it. So did I! Through working with my coach and training that I took, I first learned what not to do! 3 things NOT to do with workplace conflict
All kidding aside, here is what I did learn about how to deal with conflict from my coach, the training I've taken and over the years with countless clients I've coached through conflict situations. 3 ways TO deal with conflict on your team 1) Take responsibility for your role in it Even if you are not directly involved in the conflict, you definitely have a role in it as a leader. That role isn't to deal with the conflict head-on, smooth it over, or tell those two people to smarten up! Your role is, however, to lead the team through the conflict.
2) Offer conflict resources Most of us have never learned effective conflict resolution strategies, so we honestly don't know how to deal with it. As a leader who wants to create an organizational culture that is comfortable working with and resolving conflict, you'll need to teach the team how to do that. You don't have to teach it
3) Ask what support or help they need from you If you have team members learning a new way of addressing conflict with a peer, they may need help practicing new skills. Practice with your team members
What if that doesn't work?Sometimes, working through the above 3 points is not enough. When conflict continues, it can strengthen and causes the workplace culture to deteriorate. It's then that it's time to reach out for help. In this week's episode of the podcast, I talk to HR expert Stacey Messner, and she walks us through went to reach for help and the kind of services you might get to help your nonprofit successfully deal with conflict in your team. SOS - EXTRA RESOURCESTo hear Stacey's advice, tune in here: Surviving to Thriving Podcast Episode # 46 - When is it time to get help to address conflict on your nonprofit team? with HR Expert Stacey Messner For help getting through that first tough talk with confidence, read these articles:
Members of The Training Library will find additional resources here:
You don't have to know all the answers. Your job as a leader is to create the space for your team to figure it out. To do that, you start with the courage to be vulnerable. The bottom line is... that elephant won't go away no matter how long you try to avoid it! Your job as a leader is to acknowledge the conflict, plan for dealing with it and support conflict resolution on your team!
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As I walked into my office, my administrative support, Wendy, asked me a question. I turned and glared at her. Then, as I turned back and kept on walking, I answered Wendy through my teeth! I certainly didn't have the patience for her BS right now.
Timeout! But....why didn't I have the patience for Wendy at this moment? Was it because she had done something wrong? ** Possibly, but the way I handled it was all on me. Being Bitchy Ok, let me start by saying I do not like that word at all! If you can give me another word that we all know and understand to describe what I mean, please message me and tell me a better word. It's not merely being rude or being cranky it's more than that. And we've all been there. Staff challenges I've had my fair share of staff challenges, and I bet you have too. We have staff that don't get along, stir the pot on the team, mess up with clients, neglect their paperwork, or in general, are somewhat incompetent at their job. And we need to address those issues. How are you addressing the issues?
Instead, you probably want them to say something like, "That was a tough conversation, but I feel like she's supporting me and wants to help me out." What gets in the way? We are women leaders. There is a lot that can get in the way that has nothing to do with the work, the person we are dealing with, the sector or the issue at hand. ▶︎ It might, however, have to do with that time of the month. ▶︎ It might have to do with that time in our life cycle. ▶︎ It could also be that our hormones are off due to our diabetes or thyroid issues. ▶︎It might result from a lack of sleep because our toddler kept us up, we fought with our partner or dealt with night sweats half the night. Hormones, emotions, burnout How you respond to a challenge with your employee is less about the words you use and more about how you deliver that message. Hormones, emotions and burnout all factor in. They are all things you need to be aware of, manage and, yes, at times, workaround. 3 strategies to help you manage your reputation 1) Be mindful of your body, mind and soul
2) Be in control of your schedule so you can adjust when needed based on mood and energy levels.
3) Be honest
We respect vulnerable leaders Most of our nonprofits are full of women, all of whom are likely going through similar emotional, hormonal and energy roller coasters. When you acknowledge where you are at, it makes you seem more human and permits others to do the same. Humour is useful in these kinds of situations if that's a strength of yours, but so is self-compassion, kindness, honesty and bravery. Extra Resources For those of you in The Training Library, here are some resources you might want to check out to help you ditch the bitchiness and lead with confidence!
You are human! Don't forget that Remember, it's not what you do as a leader that counts. It's how you do it. And you are a human being. You have emotions, hormones and a life outside of work that factor into how you lead. Don't forget to take that into account. When you do, you'll ditch survival mode and learn to thrive in both your leadership and your life! Did you know that practicing mindfulness can make you a better leader? You bet it can! Mindfulness helps you to:
AND....Mindfulness helps you to be a compassionate leader: Instead of being stiff, bristly and focused only on tasks and results, mindfulness helps you be a warm, caring, compassionate, emotionally and socially intelligent leader. You are a caring person!!! And let's be honest, that's who you are at your core! You are kind, caring and passionate about your work. Sometimes, we just get caught up in the mess of the day, lose contact with that part of ourselves (unmindful) and lose touch with the human side of our leadership capacity. Mindfulness doesn't necessarily mean meditation Now that we've confirmed, it might be a good idea to practice mindfulness; my guess is your thoughts immediately go to meditation. While that may be helpful, and I encourage you to try that, you don't have to meditate to practice mindfulness.
You don't have to live alone to do this! But you might be saying I can't do that. I have a houseful. True. And when you sit and eat and listen to the sounds in your household, what do you hear?
You might also tune in to what you taste. Use your senses at any moment to be mindful Your senses are wonderful ways of bringing you present, being mindful in this moment 👃🏼👂🏻 👋🏻 👀 👅 Even during a meeting, travelling or watching tv, you can practice tuning into your senses. As I practiced mindfulness this morning, I tasted the cinnamon in my oatmeal, the ground hazelnuts, craisins sprinkled in and the almond milk on top. Mindfulness is being mindful of this moment...it's that "easy" Practising mindfulness is simply just that, practising being mindful of whatever is happening around you. Are you present or in the past or future? Instead, most of us let our thoughts pull us back to what happened and regurgitate what went wrong. Alternately, we focus on the future and fret and worry about what is to become. To be mindful is to be in this moment, whatever is going on! Mindfulness helps you build compassion, care and connection in your nonprofit In this week's episode of the podcast, Elizabeth Bishop and I talk about love in your nonprofit. By love, we mean compassion, connection and caring. The problem is many of us have lost touch with that part of our leadership capacity. And it shows.
More help to build your compassion, kindness and mindfulness To help, tune in to my conversation with Elizabeth for tons of ideas, insights and the incentive to practice mindfulness. For more information on how to use mindfulness to maintain your composure during tough meetings, those of you in The Training Library can watch this webinar. TRY IT: Just for a moment now, tune into your senses. Be present to this moment! Go make the rest of your day awesome! Have you lost your passion for your work?
We’ve been told we’ll burn ourselves out. But we are burning ourselves out by not caring, not feeling and numbing out. In this episode, Elizabeth and I engage in a dialogue about bringing your heart back into your work! You’ll learn strategies, mindsets and most importantly, you’ll gain the permission to once again feel the love in the workplace! I recently watched the movie Hillbilly Elegy and loved it! There is a scene where the main character goes to a fancy dinner and steps away to phone his girlfriend to get her help. Over the phone, his girlfriend teaches him a quick strategy to know which forks to use when. This scene brought back memories from when I first went to business dinners at upper-end restaurants and had no idea how to order wine or speak certain words on the menu and certainly not which utensil to use. I didn't fit the "leadership" mold Recognizing how uncultured I was always brought out in me the feeling that I didn't fit in. It made me feel that I didn't have what it took to be at that leadership level. I suffered from Imposter Syndrome Imposter Syndrome happens when we think we don't have the capacity, skills or education to do the job we are in. It leads to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. We fear that others will discover we aren't knowable, capable, or equipped to do the job, which leads to feeling like a fraud or imposter. Here's the thing, neither of my parents has a high school education, and we farmed. I know differently now, but back then, I felt like that was two strikes against me. The belief partly stems from my Dad's frequent quip about being "just a dumb farmer." That belief unconsciously stayed with me, and as a result, I was undoubtedly always comparing myself to others who were more cultured and had more educated parents. I didn't have enough of this: That unconscious pattern of thinking continued in my career. I never felt I had "enough" to fit in.
Do you have enough to fit the leadership mold? Here is the thing though, "not-enoughness" strikes us all in various ways and at different times. Where do you feel "not-enoughness?"
If you aren't careful, that train of thinking will get wreak havoc with your confidence! Overcoming Imposter Syndrome A.K.A that feeling of "Not-Enoughness On this week's podcast, I talk to Malory Erickson about "not-enoughness" in fundraising. Mallory covers four strategies on how to overcome "not-enoughness." The strategies aren't just about fundraising, though. Listen and see how they fit with your role as well! Strategy # 1 The first strategy that Mallory talks about is to embrace your emotions, as I am always encouraging you to as well. We need to name our feelings and identify what body sensations and thoughts go with those emotions. It's the second step of The Inner Guidance Cycle, ponder. PONDER stage of The Inner Guidance Cycle
Here's how it looks at work When I would sit at a contract meeting, I often didn't understand the legal mumbo-jumbo on the page in front of me.
Have the courageous conversations In the podcast, Mallory suggests it becomes less intimidating when we talk about what we feel with other people at work. She encourages us to create a workplace culture where it's safe to say what we feel, and as the leader, that starts with you. Here's an example For example, I could have bravely spoken up at that meeting to say, "Hey, you know what, I feel a little foolish for saying this, but I don't understand what this word means, and I don't get what this implies." I bet that others around the table felt the same way and would have been relieved for someone to speak up. Strategy # 2 Another strategy Mallory talks about is to get a hold of your thoughts. Self-talk like this wreaks havoc with your confidence:
More help When you work through the Inner Guidance Cycle by stopping (pause) to ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling (ponder), you can remind yourself (pivot) that you're not the only one at that moment not understanding the words on the legal document in front of you. That can give you the courage to speak up (proceed) and say what many people in the room are feeling. To understand and begin using The Inner Guidance Cycle in your leadership and life, grab Mastering Confidence and start working through the self-reflective exercises in it. For the other two strategies on how to overcome not-enoughness, tune to the podcast with Mallory Erickson here YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are enough, my dear! Just the way you are! What's more, the world, your organization, your team and your clients need you. They need what you have, what you offer and what you can help them with! Are you scared of someone on your board? Maybe not scared. Perhaps they make you very uncomfortable, or for whatever reason, there's tension. Keep reading. I've got some help coming your way! Brenda's Board Challenge In a recent call, Brenda asked for coaching on an upcoming board meeting. Brenda told me that she hated board meetings because one of the board members was nasty to Brenda when she did Brenda's performance appraisal ten years ago. Brenda still remembers she felt attacked by that board member. Since then, Brenda doesn't trust the board member and indicates they have a tenuous relationship. Brenda struggles to work with this board member effectively. Brenda got some coaching In our coaching conversation, I asked her about that performance appraisal. Brenda indicated the issue on that performance appraisal was something that she wished she'd handled differently. She realized now that she has grown a lot since then. Brenda accesses her inner wisdom By utilizing The Inner Guidance Cycle, by coming to coaching to PAUSE and then PONDER, Brenda realized her thoughts were full of an old storyline.
Brenda also became more aware of her body sensations. Brenda would tense up any time she had to engage with this board member. Brenda realized she was feeling incompetent and lacked confidence every time she had to talk to that person. In the PONDER step of the Inner Guidance System Brenda looked at her thoughts, feelings and body sensations as indicators of what was going on, Brenda increased her self-awareness. Brenda's new awareness was that she'd been holding onto old hurts, old stories, and past conflict. Brenda realized that she had not allowed her relationship with her board member to grow and move past that incident 10 years ago. Brenda found new perspectives Once Brenda identified the old patterns of thoughts and feelings, we started looking at different perspectives, and Brenda was able to PIVOT
Brenda felt lighter and more confident By the end of our coaching call, Brenda was ready to PROCEED. She had a new mindset around this particular board member.
Your turn: Do you avoid someone on your board? If you've ever avoided board conversations or have a challenging member, you are not alone. My guest on this week's podcast, Heather Terrence, says we all know boards can be a little bit sticky. That doesn't mean you should avoid some of those more challenging members or those difficult conversations. In fact, you must address tough conversations! As Heather says in our podcast, it's your job to liaise between the organization and the board, and thus it's your job to address difficult conversations. Help to have those Brave Board Conversations! You can learn more about strategies that Heather suggests to have Brave Board Conversations in this week's podcast. You'll also find that Heather shares a link to her board governance checklist. If you want support with your board, certainly check out the services that Heather offers here. If you want help working through The Inner Guidance Cycle with a current challenge, review the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle here. For coaching to help you move through the steps, book a call here. Let it go! Stop carrying around all that old hurt, pain and frustration! It's not helping you enjoy impactful leadership...nor is it helping you be the best leader you can be! As someone famous says....Let it go!!
I was working with a client this week, let's call her Divya, to develop her quarterly goals. The Goal: Reduce hours working The Outcome: Increased work-life balance The Strategy: To delegate more It's time to delegate more! Seems simple enough, right? If you have too much to do, give some of it away. We all know that it's not quite that simple, so I asked her what roadblocks might get in the way of that? It's not that easy! Quickly Divya indicated she was worried about overwhelming her staff if she delegated more to them. If that's the case, then she's going to fail at her goal before she even starts. Even though Divya wants to reduce her hours and wants to delegate more, her thoughts will get in the way, and she won't do it. Our beliefs get in the way! Our coaching turned to examine her beliefs. A belief is a thought you keep thinking. In this situation, Divya kept thinking she would overwhelm her staff if she delegated more to them. This assumption had become a habitual way of thinking. When we looked more closely at that perception, Divya realized there was some truth to it, but there was more to the story. A belief is a thought you keep thinking Our beliefs aren't always right! After some coaching, Divya came up with these 4 realizations.
You may need to change what you are thinking! The thing that Divya was missing, and that I am guessing you might be missing is that to achieve a goal, you need to not just look at the outcome you desire and the strategy that you will use to get there but that you will also look at what mindset shifts you need to make. The Goal: Reduce hours working The Outcome: Increased work-life balance The Strategy: To delegate more The Mindset Shift: Delegating helps not just me, but my managers and our team Use the Inner Guidance Cycle to shift your mindset We then worked on operationalizing this goal into a daily habit that would lead to Divya achieving success. Divya realized there was no magical number of things she needed to delegate or even types of things. It was more about being intentional about her workload and the process of delegation. She created a habit to help her proceed through the Inner Guidance Cycle. At the end of the day, Divya will work through the INNER GUIDANCE CYCLE:
The Goal: Reduce hours working
The Outcome: Increased work-life balance The Strategy: To delegate more The Mindset Shift: Delegating helps not just me, but my managers and our team Daily Habit: Note where I delegated, thought about delegating or struggled to delegate and what my thought was about that It's your turn! Take time to work through your goals for the upcoming quarter. Notice I don't say for the year. A year is a bit long to really do the deep dive work here. You can set annual goals, and you should. But then break them down to how you will work on that goal each quarter. More Help
Make this year the year to achieve some remarkable leadership goals! Remeber, there is more to goal setting than just writing a sentence down. Also, strong leaders develop their own personal and professional goals AND work on them! Please don't assume your performance appraisal goals are enough. There are likely more details that need flushing out to help you truly feel more confident, composed and comfortable leading with integrity! If you need help with that, message me here! Women leaders: It's time to review 2020It's time to take stock Regardless of what's happened, as each year comes to a close, most of us take stock.
You may do some of this reflection in bits and spurts throughout the coming days. That's a good start. Talk to those around you as well. What's been meaningful, hard or joy-filled for them? Set time aside for intentional reflection I also encourage you to do a bit more of a formal review of your year. Without sitting down being intentional about it, you'll miss opportunities to see where and how you've grown. Snippets of reflection may leave you hopping over key lessons or significant moments of happiness, pride, joy and connection. I strongly encourage you to find an hour in the coming days to review 2020. If you can, take out a piece of paper, a journal or a document on your computer. Note key areas you want to review and then take some notes. Want to dive even deeper? If you are in The Training Library, I just released this month's session: Goodbye 2020. In it, I included a worksheet with several questions to reflect on.
If you aren't in The Training Library, feel free to join now. It's a great time to dive into some of the lessons, worksheets and training to help you put your best self forward in 2021. When you join, you'll get the first two weeks free to check out everything, try out the courses and decide if it's right for you. I'm convinced it will be if you want to have someone on your side available and support you and your leadership growth in the new year. You get the best of my work! The work inside of The Training Library is my passion, my love, and I put my heart into each of the sessions. I want you to excel, transform and live and lead in the most authentic way you can! I am adamant that no one should have to do leadership alone!
Are you ready to make 2021 your year?
Make 2021 the year that you put your personal and professional development a priority. When you do, you'll find that you will begin to really enjoy impactful leadership! A leader's job is to stay positive all of the time. WRONG! A leader's job is to lead a team Sometimes that means you're positive. But more often than not, it means you're honest. A leader's job is not to stifle emotions I coach leaders all the time who want to turn people's moods, perspectives or feelings around. They want to take a difficult transition or a change that's happening and make everyone see the positive out of it. You can't ignore your team's emotions! Let me give you an example My friend recently lost his wife. He took care of her for months while she battled cancer. In the end, she couldn't talk, and he spoke for her to visitors. They had been together for over 30 years and were soulmates. That's a difficult situation. I cannot say to him... I know it's hard, but look at the positive:
Indeed, you can see how heartless that is 😳 Similarly, we try to do this with our teams We take a difficult situation and try to hop them over the grief, loss and pain and suffering that they are experiencing.
2020 has been hard!! Grief and loss are what we have experienced this year. Those feelings are not something you can move through quickly, get around or avoid. What you can do is experience them. You can move your way through the emotions surrounding grief and loss. Learning to let your team feel the hardness of this year How do you sit with the icky feelings so that you can move through them?
Note: The opposite is to stuff emotions down, hide them or shove them away. My guess is you probably already know this may work in the short term, but longterm, it has some serious consequences. You're becoming an emotionally intelligent leader The ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and those of others is a sign of an emotionally and socially intelligent leader. Leaders do set a vision, but they also help their team get there! Yes, your job as a leader is to help teams see the other side A leader is taking a team a direction via a powerful vision. You'll need to be motivating and inspiring to get there. And sometimes getting them to that vision will be hard on them. What you can do When it's difficult, we need to sit down beside our team and talk about how hard and difficult it is.
Are they ready to move on? Sometimes they are ready, and we can then be positive again. Sometimes they need more time. If they get stuck, we may need to nudge them along a little bit with hard truths, inspiration, and motivation. Someone once wisely said: There is a time and a place for everything! Practically how do you do this? 👉You slow things down. 👉You'll allow space for frustration and disappointment in conversations about the pain and agony. 👉You acknowledge the emotions rather than trying to push them away. EXERCISE: Try this with your team On this week's podcast, I talk about looking back over 2020. If you're looking for an exercise to do with your team to help acknowledge all of the rainbow of emotions that have happened, get them to listen to the podcast. First, ask them to reflect on the questions I offer in the episode such as:
Next, sit down and discuss the answers together. Remember to allow and acknowledging what you have all been through how you've grown as a team. Then, when the emotions have been acknowledged...smile and gently bring on the positivity...if the time is right!
Take a moment to consider your energy level, mood and ability to focus. How are you doing? This year has added incredible challenges both at work and in our personal. We've been stretched in ways we never knew we could. So many individuals, teams, and organizations have risen to the occasion like troupers! My guess is you are one of them. And I bet you are also tired. I hear that a lot lately. We've done well…but we are tired. I hear you! I am tired too.
As a leader, we not only engage with the rainbow of emotions from our teams (Social Intelligence) we also have our own feelings, moods and emotions that we must manage (Emotional Intelligence). In Emotional Control via Emotional Literacy, I teach you how to understand all of your emotions and that by naming them, you can tame them. That's why it's essential I didn't just jump to gratitude (My # 2 VIA Signature Strength Character Strength) I need to name all of my emotions first: Anger, sadness, worry, anxiety and fear We must name our emotions to tame our emotions!
That gratitude, along with my VIA Signature strengths of Hope and Spirituality, have been lifelines for me. AND….I also get down. ✔️ I cry. ✔️ I hurt. ✔️ I fall apart. Then, I pick myself up and step back into leadership once again. Today I wanted to remind you that you don't always have to be strong, stable and stoic. In fact, you can't. Not if you're going to be at your best. You must create space to feel in a safe environment. How to create a safe space to feel your emotions Go for a drive and scream and cry in your car. Rant into your journal all that is unjust in your life. Get out for a walk and let the anger seep out of you. Lean into a friend or loved one and ask them to hold you. Then, when the wave of hard emotions has passed, perhaps several waves, remind yourself of your strength, determination and capabilities.
Say a little prayer… and step back into the world of leadership. You can do it! I'm here cheering you on, and so are those that need you to be at your best! Don't take so long next time to allow yourself to fall apart. It's ok and in fact, a necessary part of leadership! If you don't create safe spaces to do that, you'll fall apart when it's not helpful for you or your team! Are there times this week when you’ve been angry? Feeling hopeless? Afraid Are you managing all of that with composure? Kara wasn’t! When Kara called yesterday, she was vibrating with anger. As she discharged her furry, I knew her heart was racing, and her blood was hammering through her veins. For several minutes at the beginning of our coaching call, Kara spewed forth a myriad of legit complaints, frustrations and indignations. She had every right to be angry. As I heard the story, I could feel my fury building too! Stress has been rising for everyone. The pressure is building around us and closing in.
You are in the middle of it. It's nuts. Crazy. Saying it is stressful doesn't even cut it. In many cases, it's about life and death. It's about yours and the people around you, livelihood. So, it makes sense that you would be soooooooo angry at times; you are about to explode! But you can't blow. Well, you can, but first, it's not going to be pretty. Second, it's not what those around you need. They need you to be composed. Another leader I talked to yesterday couldn't stop crying. She was devastated. She feels helpless. Each of us can only do so much. Those that care for the vulnerable sector have to keep going. In other programs, it is clear it is time to cease operations. So clients have no service and employees have no work. The leader, perhaps that's you, feels helpless, hopeless, and crushed. But your team doesn't need you weeping uncontrollably. Your team needs you to be composed. And then there is fear. We all feel it. It hangs in every conversation. Fear screams from the grocery stores. Social media reeks of fear. But your team, your loved ones, don't need you reacting with mad fear. They need you to be composed. Anger Hopelessness Fear These are real emotions that you will be feeling now, along with a zillion others. It's not the emotions that are "wrong." It's how you deal with them. You need to be angry.
Hopelessness will enter your space again and again.
We are in a time of great fear
The question is NOT: How do I shut my emotions off? The question IS: How do I manage my intense emotions and still maintain my composure during a pandemic? Three ways to help you maintain your composure during a massive crisis 1) Create a safe time and space to release emotions. If you don't release it, you will explode or implode. You can not continue to let it build and build.
Author Rick Warren suggests that we "vent vertically." Prayer doesn't need to be sweet and kind. Feel free to tell the big guy/gal what you really think! That's part of strong faith. Release it all to God. When you let off steam, it will take the pressure off and help you to be composed when you need it. 2) Take care of yourself Yes, this is a crazy stressful time. AND more than ever, you need rest, healthy food, sunshine, movement in your body and something to feed your soul. You need to breathe in a way that releases the adrenalin surging through your body. When you use your breath to settle your nerves and calm down your raging emotions, you will be able to respond, rather than react. Taking care of yourself and using your breath to regulate your emotions will help you to be composed. 3) Be honest, but composed You are angry, feeling hopeless and fearful. It's ok to say that. It's ok to feel that. Pretending to be otherwise will make you feel inauthentic, and the people around you will feel that and lose faith in you. Here are some examples of how to be honest:
If your tears flow or you speak with managed anger or fear, that's ok. That's not a lack of composure. That's anger, hopelessness and fear flowing out of you. When you allow them to leave your chest, heart and head safely, you make room for compassion, hope and courage, which is precisely what you, your team, your loved ones and the world needs more than ever!
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Kathy ArcherWomen leaders often hit a point where they find themselves in over their heads and wondering if they have what it takes to lead. Archives
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