Don't let them see you sweat & other falsehoods - 3 WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

​Do not, under any circumstance, show emotions at work. Zero emotions are important for Leaders!

You’ve heard the adage: don’t let them see you sweat. Similarly, we learn, don’t let them see you angry, don’t lose it and certainly don’t ever cry. Perhaps a few “good” emotions are ok, but only in moderation. Heaven forbid we are called soft. ​Does this sound familiar?

We all have emotions
We cannot stop feeling. In truth, we do feel angry on occasions.  Sometimes we are embarrassed, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, or feel hurt. At other times, we are excited, overjoyed or thrilled. Then there are the times we feel frazzled, overwhelmed or panicked. In any given day we could have hundreds of feelings pass through us. 

These moods, sensations and thoughts impact our work
Most of us have been trained to push those emotions down. Perhaps not consciously, but subconsciously we’ve learned to set aside how we are feeling and just get the job done. We’ve been trained not to show what we are feeling.
We put fake smiles. We armor up with a mask to prevent people from seeing what’s going on inside. We push down the rage, the sadness, and the fear. 
 
We can't hide emotions
Nevertheless, our emotions are often as plain as the nose on our face. The way we feel oozes out of us. Our anger seeps out. Our rage drips through the sarcasm in our voice.  The irritation is visible in her eyebrow raises and our audible sighs. Everyone around us clearly knows we have feelings; the challenge is that we are not clearly expressing our emotions.  

You need a higher EI (Emotional Intelligence)
Emotional intelligence is not only becoming more aware of your emotions but managing your emotions. It is the managing part that is extremely critical in leadership. But it starts with awareness. You need to know when your buttons are pushed and catch yourself before you react.  

Awareness prevents knee-jerk reactions

• If someone asks you to send him or her a document that you sent them twice already, you need to recognize the annoyance and manage it before you react with a snotagram (snot-o-gram according to the urban dictionary is: a bitchy, critical memo with attitude.)
• When a staff messes up publicly, you need to identify your embarrassment and fear of what the community will think of you as a leader before you lash out at the staff’s error.
• When you get challenged on your ideas, recognizing that the feeling of being judged could push you into defensive mode if you don’t manage your emotions. Instead, when you are aware that you're feeling the urge to defend your idea, a deep breath might help you to regroup and move back to passionately sharing your idea with enthusiasm rather than defend. You might get curious about their fears, which is more proactive than defensiveness. 

It all starts with being aware of your emotions
To be aware of your feelings means that you:

• first recognize the emotion,
• second understand what that emotion might have you do if to were left unchecked and
• third be aware of the impact that reactive response will have on others. 

Your assignment then is to start with working on increasing your awareness of your emotion

Emotions aren’t bad or wrong
Emotions are necessary.  It’s important to become aware of your emotions and manage your emotions within your work environment and in life. Next week  I will talk more about the managing part but for this week simply focus on becoming more aware of what is you’re feeling at any given moment.

Here are three ways to begin to increase your awareness of what you’re actually feeling.  

Habit linking
Connect the opportunity to figure what your feelings with a current habit that you already in place. Think of something that you regularly do in your day. Perhaps it is washing your hands, going to the water cooler or hoping into your vehicle.  In that moment just start asking yourself: 

• What am I feeling right now? What is the emotion that’s going on in me? Simply identify the feeling, mood, emotion or state that you are in.

 
Triggers
Set a timer on your phone to randomly remind you to do a check-in. When the timer goes off on your phone simply ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now? What is the emotion that’s going on in me? Simply identify the feeling, mood, emotion or state that you are in.

Scheduled Reflection
The third way to start journaling at a certain time of each day. Make a habit of getting connected to what has been going on for you during your day.  This scheduled time for contemplation allows you to review events and conversations to extract your feelings attached to them. What you were feeling at different points throughout your day period

• What did I feel when that happened? What is the emotion was going on in me? Identify the feeling, mood, emotion or state that you were in.

Rid your old thoughts
Remember emotions aren’t bad or wrong.  They are necessary.  It’s important to become aware of your emotions and manage your emotions within your work environment and in life. Next week  I will talk more about the managing part but for this week simply focus on becoming more aware of what is you’re feeling at any given moment.

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Kathy is a leadership coach for women who want to strengthen their leadership and find balance in life. She mentors females as they rediscover their purpose, passion and persistence for life while dealing with office politics, jerk bosses and the challenges of family life. In her signature program Women with Grit: Leading with Courage & Confidence, Kathy gives her ladies the hope and inspiration they need along with a kick in the pants to make positive change in their lives. ​​​​​​​​​