Kathy's Blog

Fear, Family & Inferiority - Women stop letting these hold you back

22/9/2015

In a recent article from Forbes magazine, women are encouraged to break through the self-made barriers to be themselves and propel themselves forward. A cheer for women everywhere, yet a hard reality to face. Even though we know this, applying these lessons take courage and commitment. Where can women find that?

It's true for most women
I’m often reviewing the recesses of my memory looking for a story to tell my audiences. I want to share how I took the lessons learned in my leadership and life experiences and applied them to developing myself. By telling these stories, I want to motivate and inspire women to grow themselves. Sadly, I have many stories to choose from to share.

There was a time I was thrown under the bus by my peer, attacked verbally by an employee, and used as a scapegoat by my team when they were unhappy with union negotiations. I was looked over by my boss. I was afraid to apply for next level positions. And yes, I neglected my family more times than I care to remember.

The Forbes article
I regularly landed in all three categories listed by the Forbes magazine article, which indicates that:

Women are held back in the workplace by:

A fear of failure. While men know their personal worth isn’t determined by professional failures, young women often fear that workplace missteps will cost them their job, reputation, and success.

Family matters. Some women fear that employers will view them as vulnerable, inefficient, or unmotivated if they decide to start a family.

An inferiority complex. Some women still believe that men are stronger leaders, have better ideas, and are more equipped to achieve success.

Forbes Magazine: Lead Like a Girl: How to Empower Women at Every Level

My determination got me through
When I look back at my journey, it seemed just when I figured one thing out, there was another encounter to face. I came back, repeatedly facing those battles, determined to figure it out leadership. I was determined to figure out how to lead will and live fully.

Your fear is very real
Your encounters with fear of failure, family challenges and the feelings you don’t quite measure up are “normal” and very real. The question is how to overcome them. I will give you the 4 “easy” steps to overcoming barriers and finding confidence. The steps, I dare say, are not so easy. It takes courage, time and a deep desire along with immense support.

4 not so easy, steps to overcoming barriers and finding confidence

Courage
Courage is the ability to face your fears and keep moving. It comes from deep within you. It’s like this flame that burns, heating you up and encouraging you forward. The more you notice it and fan it, the strong it gets. Courage gives you the ability to do things even when you feel like not doing them.

Exercise:
Take a couple of deep breaths. Close your eyes. Feel the courage within you. Imagine the flame inside burning and envision fanning it stronger.

Do this daily. Then visualize it in your office before heading into a scary meeting. Sneak into the washroom and access it before engaging in a difficult conversation. Doing this exercise on a regular basis will give you the ability to access courage when you need it. For example, in the middle of a meeting, when someone pops their head in your office and challenges you or a nasty email lands in your inbox.

Time
It takes time. There is no more truth than that. The development of confidence doesn’t all happen overnight. It is continued focus and effort over time that will make the difference.

Exercise:
Start journaling or making notes in a scribbler. Note a time you were courageous and stepped into your fear. Write down the feeling you have in regards to challenges you are facing.

Every few weeks go back over what you have written. It will give you more courage to see where you’ve already demonstrated courage and survived. It will also be a testament of your journey.

Deep Desire
Passion is what heats you up. Think of a truly passionate moment with your lover. Now remember a heated argument. Both are passion. That heat is what gets your adrenaline flowing and gives you the stamina to have wild, passionate sex and to fight for what you believe in. Accessing that passion in your work helps to heat you up also and gets your juices flowing so you can dig deep and stay the course.

Exercise:
Make a list of all the times over the last 3 months that you got frustrated at work. You can look for strong emotions such as when you were angry, pissed off, or annoyed. Then think of other times that you were excited, eager and engaged. Notice what was going on in those times. Look for themes.

Identifying what gets your emotions roaring up will help you get a sense of what you are passionate at work about. You may be avid for the fair and respectful treatment of your team. You might be fervent about client rights. You might also get very heated about ensuring work does not impose on your personal life. All of these insights help you to focus on what you are passionate about and keep you involved.

Immense Support
The only way through life is in relationship with others. We truly don’t do anything alone. My husband has always been the biggest cheerleader in my life and work. I’ve had good friends along the way who have encouraged me and pushed me forward. I would never have made it through my earlier career without two loving babysitters that not only cared for my children but also understood why I dropped them off each morning. They too supported my work.

Exercise
Make a list of everyone on your team. Look at different roles. Who is your cheerleader? Who holds you accountable? Who is the one that mentors you? Look at the various roles and when you notice there is a missing position, consider where you could look for someone to fill it. Maybe you don’t have a wise elder on your team. Consider who could step into that role for you.

It's not what happens, it is what you say to yourself about what happened
As the article indicated, these are inner demons. All of my fears, doubts, beliefs and insecurities started in my mind. Did my boss overlook me? Perhaps, but it was what I told myself about it that was far more damaging than what he did or didn’t say.

Overcome your inner voices
The ability to develop confidence and step fully into leading and living starts with getting control over what you say to yourself. Begin with the exercises above.

Find your courage within.
Recognize the growth that you have already done.
Access those desires that keep you motivated and strong.
Recognize your support team and give yourself permission to lean into them.

Take the time to grow your confidence
These exercises will help to grow your confidence. That increased confidences will allow you to lead and live, with purpose and passion and peace in your heart.

Kathy is a leadership coach for women who want to strengthen their leadership and find balance in life. She mentors females as they rediscover their purpose, passion and persistence for life while dealing with office politics, jerk bosses and the challenges of family life. Kathy gives her ladies the hope and inspiration they need along with a kick in the pants to make positive change in their lives.