How to Control Your Emotions at Work: Tips for Women in Leadership

​If your emotions frequently hijack you, you need to learn this
 
Do you sometimes find that your emotions sneak up on you suddenly, and you're afraid of losing them?

• The tears 😭 threaten to leak out,
• Your eyes roll 🙄 before you catch yourself
• Your anger 😡 boils over before you can control it. 

You are not alone!

Many women leaders have had the experience of being hijacked by their emotions. But here is the thing,
👉🏻 The problem isn't that you EXPERIENCE emotions.
👉🏻 The challenge lies in being unable to control how you EXPRESS your emotions when they appear.

​To prevent this, you must first learn to recognize your emotions as you experience them and then manage how you express them. Another way to say that is you need to develop your emotional intelligence.

It's not wrong to experience your emotions at work.
Instead, when you become a more emotionally intelligent leader, you choose how and when to express your emotions.

⭐️ Just because you experience an emotion does not mean you need to express that emotion.


Become aware of and then manage your emotions
Emotionally intelligent managers kick butt over their unaware and emotionally incompetent peers. That sounds a bit harsh, I know. But you are emotionally unskilled when you are unaware of your emotions, cannot regulate your emotions, and have difficulty understanding and communicating feelings effectively. 

👉🏻 Therefore, you are in a much better place when you are a leader who is aware of what emotions you are experiencing and able to manage how you express your emotions. That means you control how you express what you feel rather than your emotions being in control of you. 


Emotional Intelligence increases a leader's effectiveness
An individual who is high in Emotional Intelligence rarely has their emotions hijack them. Emotionally Intelligent Leaders don't lose it when someone says something that sparks their anger or annoyance. A leader in control of what's happening inside them will be aware they are irritated but can catch themselves before they roll their eyes, sigh or have a sarcastic comment slip out.


How to increase your emotional intelligence
Individuals that have high Emotional Intelligence are incredibly self-aware.

• They know what triggers them.
• They are clear on what is going on inside of their head.
• They can identify thoughts and feelings. They name them.

If you want to be this kind of leader, you need to become aware of what's happening inside your mind and body. To increase your level of Emotional Intelligence, you need to become more self-aware.


Two Steps to Emotional Intelligence
Step 1 – Recognize emotions 🤔
Step 2 – Manage emotion 😙


Here's what happens:

🟪 Antecedent - An event happens

• Someone says something
• An email comes to your inbox
• The phone rings, and you see the caller ID

🟪 Thought - You have a thought about that event.

• That was rude.
• I don't want to deal with this.
• Oh, here we go again!

​
🟪 Feeling - You then experience an emotion

• Hurt
• Anxiety
• Irritation

🟪 Behaviour - You then react

• you roll your eyes🙄
• you struggle to stay calm 😤
• you snap back with an insensitive or rude remark 🤬

Emotionally Intelligent managers learn to get a handle on their thoughts to control their emotions and subsequent behaviour. They learn to respond rather than react unconsciously. So rather than snapping back, writing an unnecessarily pointed email or rolling their eyes, they pause and choose how they want to express that emotion before they act. 


​​Do you know what your thought was?
We want to drill deeper into the thought part and see what's happening there. That thought is directing your emotion. We want to get to the point where you are aware of the thought and can change it if needed.


Getting clear on your thoughts
You have to slow down time to understand better what you are thinking. Slowing down widens the gap between the stimulus and the consequential feeling. It is like putting a magnifying glass on the event and your emotion and seeing if you can see between the thought and subsequent behaviour. You want to detect what thought was there in between the event and the emotional reaction. That way, you can change the thought and thus manage your emotional response. 


​​It starts with a reflection
It's hard in the moment to learn to increase your Emotional Intelligence. You must practice the skill first by looking back at what happened and reflecting on it. Increased awareness of what happened between the event and your reaction to it requires intentional thinking and slowing down the events so you can notice things you didn't see at the time. 


To learn to manage your expression of your emotions in the moment, you must create a routine of rewinding events and looking back to see what caused you to react in the first place. You must build in time to PAUSE and POINDER, aka go through the Inner Guidance Cycle.


Start with writing
Becoming more emotionally intelligent requires ongoing self-reflection and a commitment to personal growth. That starts with pondering events and reactions. 

The best way to get the slow-motion replay effect is to write down what happened. When you set aside a few minutes to let your thoughts and emotions flow on paper, you'll see more of what is there. Doing this writing without judgment is critical. You must let your pen just flow. The point is to see what's there that you may have missed, got hooked by, or overreacted to.


✏️ Mastering Reflective Journaling: 5 Proven Techniques

1) PAUSE: Set aside 10 minutes daily to engage in self-reflection

• Preferably do this at the same time every day.

2) Eliminate distractions. 

• Put your phone on the other side of the room. Shut your door.

3) Take a moment to become present. 

• A few slow deep breaths with the exhale being longer than the inhale will settle you.

4) PONDER: Set a timer and write down what happened, including:

• The emotions you were feeling.
• What triggered those emotions.
• The thoughts, judgments and opinions you had about that thing that triggered the emotional reaction 

Use journal prompts such as:

• This happened….
• I said this in my head about it….
• As a result, the emotion I felt was…
• The behaviour I then exhibited was...

5) PIVOT: To wrap up your time, see if you can identify a summary of what happened, why and what you'd like to do differently next time something similar occurs. 

Learn more about The Inner Guidance Cycle here
Pause - Ponder - Pivot - Proceed


​Do the INNER work!
Working on bringing awareness to your emotions and feelings can be hard work. We don't naturally go there. Initially, it will feel weird and awkward. But, the more you do it, the better chance you will have in becoming more aware of the emotions bubbling inside of you and choosing how you want to express (or not) that emotion in a way that feels more appropriate to you and the situation. 

Gradually you'll regain control and learn to manage your feelings and responses to people and events. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. You'll find it worth the effort and commitment when you do. 

P.S. If you don't like journaling, just call it self reflection 😉


Extra Resources
Resources in The Training Library to help you learn effective self-reflection to develop your Emotional Intelligence

✏️ How to prepare for a tough talk

✏️ Managing Your Emotions at Work

✏️ Emotional Control Via Emotional Literacy

✏️ Quick Journaling for Effective Leadership

✏️ Staying Composed During Meetings, Conversations & Challenging Times

🙋‍♀️ Join The Training Library