Once, I had two staff members who hated each other. You might think that's harsh, but at the time, they couldn't even stand to be in the same room with each other!


I had a TOXIC workplace culture on my hands!But that wasn't the worst of it. It wasn't how they felt about each other. The worst of it was that the conflict between the two team members created a toxic work environment.


The rest of the team felt forced to take sides. They avoided dealing with issues that needed addressing because there was just too much tension in the office. The rest of the team also felt the ongoing tension, causing them not to want to work.


How did I deal with the TOXIC workplace culture?If you've ever been in that situation, you probably want to know how to deal with it. So did I! Through working with my coach and training that I took, I first learned what not to do!


3 things NOT to do with workplace conflict

1. Pretend it's not there 
2. Acknowledge it's there but avoid it
3. Come at the conflict with guns a blazing

DO THIS: Hit reply and tell me what else to add to this list!


All kidding aside, here is what I did learn about how to deal with conflict from my coach, the training I've taken and over the years with countless clients I've coached through conflict situations.


3 ways TO deal with conflict on your team

1) Take responsibility for your role in it
Even if you are not directly involved in the conflict, you definitely have a role in it as a leader. That role isn't to deal with the conflict head-on, smooth it over, or tell those two people to smarten up!


Your role is, however, to lead the team through the conflict.

• Start with creating a plan to address the parties involved and the impact the conflict is having on the team. 

2) Offer conflict resources
Most of us have never learned effective conflict resolution strategies, so we honestly don't know how to deal with it. As a leader who wants to create an organizational culture that is comfortable working with and resolving conflict, you'll need to teach the team how to do that. 


You don't have to teach it

• Consider books, webinars and online training seminars. You may also want to bring a consultant in specifically for your team to teach conflict resolution.

3) Ask what support or help they need from you
If you have team members learning a new way of addressing conflict with a peer, they may need help practicing new skills.


Practice with your team members

• They could run their approach by you or role-play the conversation with you. This point links back to point one your role is not to deal with it. Your role is to help them through it.

What if that doesn't work?Sometimes, working through the above 3 points is not enough. When conflict continues, it can strengthen and causes the workplace culture to deteriorate. It's then that it's time to reach out for help.


In this week's episode of the podcast, I talk to HR expert Stacey Messner, and she walks us through went to reach for help and the kind of services you might get to help your nonprofit successfully deal with conflict in your team.


SOS - EXTRA RESOURCESTo hear Stacey's advice, tune in here:
Surviving to Thriving Podcast Episode # 46 - When is it time to get help to address conflict on your nonprofit team? with HR Expert Stacey Messner 


For help getting through that first tough talk with confidence, read these articles:

• How to approach a tough talk with confidence
• How to tackle that next tough talk with your confidence intact!

Members of The Training Library will find additional resources here:

• COURSE: Staff Supervision That Transforms
• WEBINAR: How to deal with OFFICE POLITICS with calm confidence
• WEBINAR: Gossiping, Hormones and Backstabbing: Leading in Predominantly Female Teams
• WEBINAR: Seeing Other Perspectives
• WEBINAR: Creating Comfortable Coaching Conversations
• WEBINAR: How to prepare for a tough talk
• WEBINAR: Team Morale: Confidently boost the mood of your team!
• WEBINAR: Staying Composed During Meetings, Conversations & Challenging Times
• WEBINAR: Breath Magic - Breathe your way to being a calm, composed and in control leader!

You don't have to know all the answers. Your job as a leader is to create the space for your team to figure it out. To do that, you start with the courage to be vulnerable.


The bottom line is... that elephant won't go away no matter how long you try to avoid it! Your job as a leader is to acknowledge the conflict, plan for dealing with it and support conflict resolution on your team!

As I walked into my office, my administrative support, Wendy, asked me a question. I turned and glared at her. Then, as I turned back and kept on walking, I answered Wendy through my teeth! I certainly didn't have the patience for her BS right now. 

Timeout!
But....why didn't I have the patience for Wendy at this moment? 
Was it because she had done something wrong?

** Possibly, but the way I handled it was all on me.

Being Bitchy
Ok, let me start by saying I do not like that word at all! If you can give me another word that we all know and understand to describe what I mean, please message me and tell me a better word. It's not merely being rude or being cranky it's more than that. And we've all been there.


Staff challenges
I've had my fair share of staff challenges, and I bet you have too. We have staff that don't get along, stir the pot on the team, mess up with clients, neglect their paperwork, or in general, are somewhat incompetent at their job. And we need to address those issues.


How are you addressing the issues?

• Confidently?
• Respectfully?
• With your integrity intact?

The way you handle situations comes back to your character and your reputation. What do you want people to say about you and about the way you dealt with the situation? My guess is you don't want them to leave the interaction, head to her co-worker and say, "Holy smokes, is she ever bitchy today!"

Instead, you probably want them to say something like, "That was a tough conversation, but I feel like she's supporting me and wants to help me out."

What gets in the way?
We are women leaders. There is a lot that can get in the way that has nothing to do with the work, the person we are dealing with, the sector or the issue at hand.

▶︎ It might, however, have to do with that time of the month.
▶︎ It might have to do with that time in our life cycle.

▶︎ It could also be that our hormones are off due to our diabetes or thyroid issues.

▶︎It might result from a lack of sleep because our toddler kept us up, we fought with our partner or dealt with night sweats half the night.

Hormones, emotions, burnout
How you respond to a challenge with your employee is less about the words you use and more about how you deliver that message. Hormones, emotions and burnout all factor in. They are all things you need to be aware of, manage and, yes, at times, workaround. 


3 strategies to help you manage your reputation

1) Be mindful of your body, mind and soul

• Tune in to your body to see what's really going on.
• Practice mindfulness

2) Be in control of your schedule so you can adjust when needed based on mood and energy levels.

• Work at home some days. 
• Take a break to move your body, have a healthy snack or give yourself a few moments of much-needed solitude
• Move a talk to the afternoon if you need time to settle your emotions from the night before.

3) Be honest

• Communicate somethings off
• Role model vulnerability

We respect vulnerable leaders
Most of our nonprofits are full of women, all of whom are likely going through similar emotional, hormonal and energy roller coasters. When you acknowledge where you are at, it makes you seem more human and permits others to do the same. Humour is useful in these kinds of situations if that's a strength of yours, but so is self-compassion, kindness, honesty and bravery. 


Extra Resources 
For those of you in The Training Library, here are some resources you might want to check out to help you ditch the bitchiness and lead with confidence!

• WEBINAR: Gossiping, Hormones and Backstabbing: Leading in Predominantly Female Teams
• WEBINAR: Develop Your Strength of Character
• WEBINAR: Managing Your Emotions at Work
• WEBINAR: Staying Composed During Meetings, Conversations & Challenging Times
• WEBINAR: Breath Magic - Breathe your way to being a calm, composed and in control leader!
• WEBINAR: How to deal with OFFICE POLITICS with calm confidence
• WEBINAR: Managing stress on the fly!
• WEBINAR: The 5-Minute Self-Care Strategy for the Swamped Gal
• WEBINAR: Thriving Through COVID-19 - Mini Training
• COURSE: Wellness AT Work

You are human! Don't forget that
Remember, it's not what you do as a leader that counts. It's how you do it. And you are a human being. You have emotions, hormones and a life outside of work that factor into how you lead. Don't forget to take that into account. When you do, you'll ditch survival mode and learn to thrive in both your leadership and your life!

You don't have to live alone to do this!
But you might be saying I can't do that. I have a houseful. True. And when you sit and eat and listen to the sounds in your household, what do you hear?

• My daughter would hear her roommates fighting 
• Perhaps you hear the TV on, music or kids bickering 

You might also tune in to what you taste.


Use your senses at any moment to be mindful
Your senses are wonderful ways of bringing you present, being mindful in this moment 👃🏼👂🏻 👋🏻 👀 👅 Even during a meeting, travelling or watching tv, you can practice tuning into your senses.


As I practiced mindfulness this morning, I tasted the cinnamon in my oatmeal, the ground hazelnuts, craisins sprinkled in and the almond milk on top.


Mindfulness is being mindful of this moment...it's that "easy"
Practising mindfulness is simply just that, practising being mindful of whatever is happening around you. 


Are you present or in the past or future?
Instead, most of us let our thoughts pull us back to what happened and regurgitate what went wrong. Alternately, we focus on the future and fret and worry about what is to become. To be mindful is to be in this moment, whatever is going on!


Mindfulness helps you build compassion, care and connection in your nonprofit
In this week's episode of the podcast, Elizabeth Bishop and I talk about love in your nonprofit. By love, we mean compassion, connection and caring. The problem is many of us have lost touch with that part of our leadership capacity. And it shows.

• We've lost the passion for our work  
• We don't so much like the people we work with  
• Sometimes we forget the meaning behind why we do what we do, the outcomes for our clients and the community

You can regain your love for your job, your compassion for the people you work with and reignite that in your team.

More help to build your compassion, kindness and mindfulness 

To help, tune in to my conversation with Elizabeth for tons of ideas, insights and the incentive to practice mindfulness.

For more information on how to use mindfulness to maintain your composure during tough meetings, those of you in The Training Library can watch this webinar.
​
TRY IT: Just for a moment now, tune into your senses. Be present to this moment!
Go make the rest of your day awesome!

I recently watched the movie Hillbilly Elegy and loved it!

There is a scene where the main character goes to a fancy dinner and steps away to phone his girlfriend to get her help. Over the phone, his girlfriend teaches him a quick strategy to know which forks to use when. 

This scene brought back memories from when I first went to business dinners at upper-end restaurants and had no idea how to order wine or speak certain words on the menu and certainly not which utensil to use.

I didn't fit the "leadership" mold
Recognizing how uncultured I was always brought out in me the feeling that I didn't fit in. It made me feel that I didn't have what it took to be at that leadership level.

I suffered from Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome happens when we think we don't have the capacity, skills or education to do the job we are in. It leads to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. We fear that others will discover we aren't knowable, capable, or equipped to do the job, which leads to feeling like a fraud or imposter. 

Here's the thing, neither of my parents has a high school education, and we farmed. I know differently now, but back then, I felt like that was two strikes against me. The belief partly stems from my Dad's frequent quip about being "just a dumb farmer." That belief unconsciously stayed with me, and as a result, I was undoubtedly always comparing myself to others who were more cultured and had more educated parents.

I didn't have enough of this:
That unconscious pattern of thinking continued in my career. I never felt I had "enough" to fit in. 

• I wasn't old enough
• I didn't have enough education
• I certainly didn't have enough experience or the right experience
• I didn't read up on the news frequently enough.
• I didn't have a rich enough vocabulary.
• My husband didn't have the right kind of job, we didn't drive the right type of vehicle, and we didn't vacation in the right places. 

The list went on. But remember, much of this at the time was unconscious. I just felt that constant feeling of being an outsider because I wasn't "enough." 

Do you have enough to fit the leadership mold?
Here is the thing though, "not-enoughness" strikes us all in various ways and at different times. 
Where do you feel "not-enoughness?"

• You may think you don't have enough experience in a specific sector that you are supervising. 
• Maybe you don't think you have enough financial understanding to manage your budgets.
• Perhaps you think you lack the proper speaking skills, organizational skills or negotiation skills to head that next big discussion. 

Here's how it looks at work
When I would sit at a contract meeting, I often didn't understand the legal mumbo-jumbo on the page in front of me. 

• Feeling: I felt inferior, stupid and uncomfortable. I was embarrassed to admit I didn't get it.
• Thought: I thought I was the only one that didn't understand it.
• Body sensation: If anyone asked me any questions, my heart would race, and I'd get a red face trying to answer.

Have the courageous conversations
In the podcast, Mallory suggests it becomes less intimidating when we talk about what we feel with other people at work. She encourages us to create a workplace culture where it's safe to say what we feel, and as the leader, that starts with you. 

Here's an example
For example, I could have bravely spoken up at that meeting to say, "Hey, you know what, I feel a little foolish for saying this, but I don't understand what this word means, and I don't get what this implies." I bet that others around the table felt the same way and would have been relieved for someone to speak up. 

Strategy # 2
Another strategy Mallory talks about is to get a hold of your thoughts. Self-talk like this wreaks havoc with your confidence:

• I'm so stupid
• I don't know what I'm talking
• I don't know why they put me in this position!

You need to get a hold of these thoughts and reframe them to ease the doubt, increase your confidence and overcome that imposter syndrome feeling. 

More help
When you work through the Inner Guidance Cycle by stopping (pause) to ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling (ponder), you can remind yourself (pivot) that you're not the only one at that moment not understanding the words on the legal document in front of you. That can give you the courage to speak up (proceed) and say what many people in the room are feeling.

To understand and begin using The Inner Guidance Cycle in your leadership and life, grab Mastering Confidence and start working through the self-reflective exercises in it.

For the other two strategies on how to overcome not-enoughness, tune to the podcast with Mallory Erickson here

Are you scared of someone on your board? Maybe not scared. Perhaps they make you very uncomfortable, or for whatever reason, there's tension.

Keep reading. I've got some help coming your way!

Brenda's Board Challenge
In a recent call, Brenda asked for coaching on an upcoming board meeting. Brenda told me that she hated board meetings because one of the board members was nasty to Brenda when she did Brenda's performance appraisal ten years ago. Brenda still remembers she felt attacked by that board member. 

Since then, Brenda doesn't trust the board member and indicates they have a tenuous relationship. Brenda struggles to work with this board member effectively.

Brenda got some coaching
In our coaching conversation, I asked her about that performance appraisal. Brenda indicated the issue on that performance appraisal was something that she wished she'd handled differently. She realized now that she has grown a lot since then.

Brenda accesses her inner wisdom
By utilizing The Inner Guidance Cycle, by coming to coaching to PAUSE and then PONDER, Brenda realized her thoughts were full of an old storyline. 

• Brenda had an old belief: The board member doesn't think I'm competent. 
• Brenda's perspective was: The board member doesn't like me. 
• Brenda's judgement was: I don't trust the board member. 

Brenda also became more aware of her body sensations. Brenda would tense up any time she had to engage with this board member.

Brenda realized she was feeling incompetent and lacked confidence every time she had to talk to that person. 

In the PONDER step of the Inner Guidance System Brenda looked at her thoughts, feelings and body sensations as indicators of what was going on, Brenda increased her self-awareness. 

Brenda's new awareness was that she'd been holding onto old hurts, old stories, and past conflict. Brenda realized that she had not allowed her relationship with her board member to grow and move past that incident 10 years ago.

Brenda found new perspectives
Once Brenda identified the old patterns of thoughts and feelings, we started looking at different perspectives, and Brenda was able to PIVOT 

• I have a lot more skills than I did back then. 
• I am quite capable, competent and effective at my job. 
• I learned a lot from my past mistakes and often handle the situation differently and more effectively now.

Brenda felt lighter and more confident
By the end of our coaching call, Brenda was ready to PROCEED. She had a new mindset around this particular board member.

• Brenda and I prepared talking points so she could go bravely into a conversation about the current challenge feeling increased confidence and certainly lighter without all of that old baggage.

Your turn: Do you avoid someone on your board?
If you've ever avoided board conversations or have a challenging member, you are not alone. My guest on this week's podcast, Heather Terrence, says we all know boards can be a little bit sticky. 

That doesn't mean you should avoid some of those more challenging members or those difficult conversations. In fact, you must address tough conversations!

As Heather says in our podcast, it's your job to liaise between the organization and the board, and thus it's your job to address difficult conversations.

Help to have those Brave Board Conversations!
You can learn more about strategies that Heather suggests to have Brave Board Conversations in this week's podcast. You'll also find that Heather shares a link to her board governance checklist. If you want support with your board, certainly check out the services that Heather offers here.

If you want help working through The Inner Guidance Cycle with a current challenge, review the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle here. For coaching to help you move through the steps, book a call here.

Let it go!
Stop carrying around all that old hurt, pain and frustration! It's not helping you enjoy impactful leadership...nor is it helping you be the best leader you can be! As someone famous says....Let it go!!

You may need to change what you are thinking!
The thing that Divya was missing, and that I am guessing you might be missing is that to achieve a goal, you need to not just look at the outcome you desire and the strategy that you will use to get there but that you will also look at what mindset shifts you need to make.

The Goal: Reduce hours working
The Outcome: Increased work-life balance
The Strategy: To delegate more
The Mindset Shift: Delegating helps not just me, but my managers and our team
​

The Goal: Reduce hours working
The Outcome: Increased work-life balance
The Strategy: To delegate more
The Mindset Shift: Delegating helps not just me, but my managers and our team
Daily Habit: Note where I delegated, thought about delegating or struggled to delegate and what my thought was about that

It's your turn!
Take time to work through your goals for the upcoming quarter. Notice I don't say for the year. A year is a bit long to really do the deep dive work here. You can set annual goals, and you should. But then break them down to how you will work on that goal each quarter.

More Help

1. Set your quarterly goals with the help of this webinar in The Training Library.
2. Become a member of The Training Libary here for ongoing help with your personal and professional development
3. Book a 1-1 coaching call here
4. Listen to this week's podcast: Goal Creation Magic​

Make this year the year to achieve some remarkable leadership goals!
Remeber, there is more to goal setting than just writing a sentence down. Also, strong leaders develop their own personal and professional goals AND work on them! Please don't assume your performance appraisal goals are enough. There are likely more details that need flushing out to help you truly feel more confident, composed and comfortable leading with integrity!

If you need help with that, message me here!

It's time to take stock
Regardless of what's happened, as each year comes to a close, most of us take stock. 

• What happened that we want to mark in some way? 
• What do we want to bury and forget? 
• What lessons can we take with us into the coming year?

You may do some of this reflection in bits and spurts throughout the coming days. That's a good start. Talk to those around you as well. What's been meaningful, hard or joy-filled for them? 


Set time aside for intentional reflection
I also encourage you to do a bit more of a formal review of your year. Without sitting down being intentional about it, you'll miss opportunities to see where and how you've grown. Snippets of reflection may leave you hopping over key lessons or significant moments of happiness, pride, joy and connection.


I strongly encourage you to find an hour in the coming days to review 2020. If you can, take out a piece of paper, a journal or a document on your computer. Note key areas you want to review and then take some notes. ​

Practically how do you do this?
👉You slow things down. 
👉You'll allow space for frustration and disappointment in conversations about the pain and agony. 
👉You acknowledge the emotions rather than trying to push them away. 

EXERCISE: Try this with your team
On this week's podcast, I talk about looking back over 2020. If you're looking for an exercise to do with your team to help acknowledge all of the rainbow of emotions that have happened, get them to listen to the podcast.

First, ask them to reflect on the questions I offer in the episode such as:

• Where have I grown?
• What or who has help that growth?
• What implications does that change in me have for next year?

There are lots more questions I threw into the mix in the episode.

Next, sit down and discuss the answers together. Remember to allow and acknowledging what you have all been through how you've grown as a team.

Then, when the emotions have been acknowledged...smile and gently bring on the positivity...if the time is right!

Are you managing all of that with composure? Kara wasn’t!
 
When Kara called yesterday, she was vibrating with anger. As she discharged her furry, I knew her heart was racing, and her blood was hammering through her veins.
 
For several minutes at the beginning of our coaching call, Kara spewed forth a myriad of legit complaints, frustrations and indignations. She had every right to be angry. As I heard the story, I could feel my fury building too!
 
Stress has been rising for everyone. The pressure is building around us and closing in.

• Decisions are being made quickly in some cases.
  • Not quick enough in others.
• Some decisions we agree with.
  • Others we vehemently disagree with.
• The way some people are handling things is just plain wrong.
  • Others have no options, and we can only feel for them as they do what is necessary,

 
You are in the middle of it. It's nuts. Crazy. Saying it is stressful doesn't even cut it. In many cases, it's about life and death. It's about yours and the people around you, livelihood.
 
So, it makes sense that you would be soooooooo angry at times; you are about to explode! But you can't blow. Well, you can, but first, it's not going to be pretty. Second, it's not what those around you need.
They need you to be composed.
 
Another leader I talked to yesterday couldn't stop crying. She was devastated. She feels helpless. Each of us can only do so much. Those that care for the vulnerable sector have to keep going. In other programs, it is clear it is time to cease operations. So clients have no service and employees have no work. The leader, perhaps that's you, feels helpless, hopeless, and crushed.
But your team doesn't need you weeping uncontrollably.

Your team needs you to be composed.
 
And then there is fear. We all feel it. It hangs in every conversation. Fear screams from the grocery stores. Social media reeks of fear.
But your team, your loved ones, don't need you reacting with mad fear.
​
They need you to be composed.
 
Anger
Hopelessness
Fear
 
These are real emotions that you will be feeling now, along with a zillion others. It's not the emotions that are "wrong." It's how you deal with them.
 
You need to be angry.

• However, you need to be mad at the right times and with the right people in the right way.

 
Hopelessness will enter your space again and again. 

• However, you can't hang on to it and spew it to those around you. You need to notice that feeling of hopelessness and then move it along. It's not going to help you or the people who need you.

 
We are in a time of great fear

• However, we are not talking about a fear of public speaking or a fear of addressing a lingering conflict. We fear for our lives, our client's lives, our mothers, children and friends. It's not the fear that is the problem. It's what you do with that fear that is.

 
The question is NOT: How do I shut my emotions off?
The question IS: How do I manage my intense emotions and still maintain my composure during a pandemic?

1) Create a safe time and space to release emotions.
If you don't release it, you will explode or implode. You can not continue to let it build and build.

• Yell in your car.
• Pour it out into a journal.
• Scream when no one is home.
• Go for a run and pump it out of your body.
• Call your coach, mentor, counsellor or therapist.
• Talk to a friend, partner or peer who will let you release it safely.

 
Author Rick Warren suggests that we "vent vertically." Prayer doesn't need to be sweet and kind. Feel free to tell the big guy/gal what you really think! That's part of strong faith. Release it all to God. 
 
When you let off steam, it will take the pressure off and help you to be composed when you need it.
 
2) Take care of yourself
Yes, this is a crazy stressful time. AND more than ever, you need rest, healthy food, sunshine, movement in your body and something to feed your soul. You need to breathe in a way that releases the adrenalin surging through your body. When you use your breath to settle your nerves and calm down your raging emotions, you will be able to respond, rather than react. 
 
Taking care of yourself and using your breath to regulate your emotions will help you to be composed.
 
3) Be honest, but composed
You are angry, feeling hopeless and fearful. It's ok to say that. It's ok to feel that. Pretending to be otherwise will make you feel inauthentic, and the people around you will feel that and lose faith in you. 
Here are some examples of how to be honest:

• I'm angry that we lack resources for our clients because of people's rash actions AND here is the plan for how we will deal with this.
• I feel hopeless, YET know that's not what we all need right now. This is what I am doing to build up our hope and optimism again.
• Yes, I'm afraid. I'M ALSO educating myself and the team. We have activated our crisis management plan and are talking with other agencies in the same situation to figure out how we can navigate this crisis together.

 
If your tears flow or you speak with managed anger or fear, that's ok.
 
That's not a lack of composure. That's anger, hopelessness and fear flowing out of you.
 
When you allow them to leave your chest, heart and head safely, you make room for compassion, hope and courage, which is precisely what you, your team, your loved ones and the world needs more than ever!