Do you know how you've been dreading that conversation that is coming up?
 
It's not because of the agenda or the other person that you'd rather avoid.
 
That's what Sonya thought when she called me for her coaching call

My clients are often dreading an upcoming conversation
Sonya was NOT looking forward to an upcoming meeting with her boss!

• She fully suspected he was going to tell her about a staff complaint against her.

 
Sonya thought the reason she was dreading it was because

1. The agenda - her performance was going to be addressed
2. Her boss and the employee - The employee didn't like her. Sonya suspected her boss wasn't all that enthusiastic about her skills either.

 
I heard a deeper message
As she reiterated the events leading up to today, and I read between the lines, I heard Sonya's unconscious thoughts:

• It's not going to go well.
  • And I heard: I can't handle confrontation
• My boss has never liked me.
  • And I heard: I'm not cut out for this job
• When I reflected that back to Sonya, she was surprised, but agreed.

 
The insights often surprise my clients
Sonya said:

• You're right. I don't believe I'm very good at confrontation. I hate it, Always have.
• And, I took this job with a promise I'd get more leadership training, and that's never happened. I always feel like I'm floundering. I don't know how to get my staff to do what they are supposed to be doing.

 
As a result, Sonya felt that every day was a struggle. She was tired and tired of being tired. Part of her just wanted out.
 
I help my ladies (that's what I call my clients) access that deeper message
As I coached Sonya through the Inner Guidance Cycle (IGC) of pause, ponder pivot and proceed, she accessed her inner wisdom. She realized how often her unconscious thoughts were sabotaging her efforts as much as, if not more so, than the day to day work.
 
My ladies learn to manage their mind chatter so they feel composed
Over time, I taught Sonya to use the IGC consistently to learn to manage her mind chatter. In doing so, she learned to manage her emotions. And you know what that does; It gave her increased emotional intelligence and composure!

• I bet you are looking for increased composure also!

 
It's time for you to learn this too!
Over the next few weeks, I'm going to dive deeper into the IGC so you can use it to manage your thoughts. For now, let me give you a few pointers about mind chatter.

Thoughts. A voice in your head. Monkey brain.
We call it many things, but it's all the same. Mind chatter is the conversation or monologue we are having with ourselves inside our heads. 
 
What you need to know about that mind chatter is this:

• it's there,
• it rules your life and
• you can manage it.

 
1) MIND CHATTER is there:
We all have thoughts; the majority of them are unconscious. It is the thoughts we are oblivious to, which often leads to experiencing our lives in ways we don't want.

• For example, many of us don't realize that via our inner thoughts, we have been convincing ourselves that we can't handle our overwhelming responsibilities, appointments, and to do's.

 
If you stopped and paid attention to your thoughts, you might hear your mind repeating similar phrases like a broken record:

• I'm never going to make it through this day.
• I have way too much to do.
• I'll never get done this.
• There is no way I can handle this.
• I'll be lucky to get through half of this.

 
The thoughts we have been automatically thinking have been inducing the sense we have of pressure, strain, and anxiety. 
 
What's more, the self-sabotaging remarks we think, wreak havoc on our confidence. The constant onslaught of judgments that reel through our mind does more to challenge our confidence than what other people actually utter.
 
2) MIND CHATTER rules your life:
What you think about creates your experience of life. Or…what you expect, you get.

• It is those unconscious expectations that you are setting for yourself that make you feel the way you do.

 
In the example above, your unconscious thoughts of overwhelm gave you the experience of feeling incompetent in handling your day.

• When you have those repeating thoughts in your mind that are reminding you that you can't handle it, you create your sense of overwhelm.

 
That draws your attention to notice everything that goes wrong, every second "stolen" from you and each extra task added to your list. 
 
3) You can manage your MIND CHATTER:
When you become more aware of your thoughts, you can choose what you are thinking. Those different thoughts shift your experience.
 
Once more, using the example above, you could begin to manage your thoughts about your day. Instead of the catastrophic thoughts that you have about your overwhelming day, you can catch yourself going down that path and turn a different way.
 
By choosing instead to think about your ability to handle things and to be alert for opportunities, you change your experience.

• I can handle my day.
• I am good at prioritizing.
• I will set a manageable list of what I can accomplish today.
• I will look for tiny moments of time found throughout the day.
• Even though it feels awkward, I will set boundaries with my team creating pockets of deep work time.

 
When you become more conscious of your inner thoughts and then shift them, you also find you experience your day differently.
You didn't necessarily change anything going on outside of you. Instead, you shifted your thought about what was going on outside of you.

• ✅The tasks, meetings, and duties are still there; they just have less power over you.

 
Shifting your mind chatter leaves you feeling more in control and on top of the priority projects, not everything, but you know that it's the real priorities that matter at the end of the day.  
 
The tools for managing your thoughts:
1) Breathing

• Take a deep breath. That will bring you back to the present moment and more aware of what you are thinking. Find help with this here

2) Meditation

• The practise of sitting still for a few moments a day trains your brain to be less automatic and racing. Instead, you cultivate a sense of groundedness. Practicing the skill of not reacting to every impulse that jumps out at you lets you be less reactive and more responsive throughout your day.

3) Journaling

• By taking a few movements each day to journal your thoughts, you become more aware of irrational beliefs, unhelpful views and thought patterns.

My student Marva has her annual fundraiser coming up. It’s a ton of work for her organization but is a crucial contributor to their yearly budget. It takes all hands on deck to pull it off, including the Program Coordinator Natalie’s. And Natalie has a mind of her own. ​

Natalie is, shall we say, strong-willed! She is pushy, bossy, and controlling. Even though Marva is the Director of the organization, Marva always feels intimidated when Natalie walks into a meeting. Perhaps that’s because in the past when she’s questioned Natalie or pushed back, Natalie came back harder than ever.
​
Marva is a pleaser
️The impact of Natalie's strong personality is that Marva tends to hold back or goes along with Natalie’s ideas because it’s easier than asserting herself. 

Marva's trying to be more courageous
When Marva asked her boss for help to deal with Natalie this year, her boss said: Just do it! Walk into the meeting and take charge! Don’t let her boss you around. 

Marva hasn't got great advice!
That kind of advice sounds like Marva should head to the bathroom and quickly change into her superhero outfit?‍♀️
But the truth is, if she didn’t have the confidence to deal with Natalie before, how could useless inspiration like, Just do it, help? It won’t.

When Marva complained to her friend about Natalie's domineering personality, the advice she got was no better. Marva’s friend suggested Marva was afraid of Natalie. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway, Marva's friend told her. 

Yeah - sooooooo helpful! NOT!
The fear has always been there. How do you suddenly push it aside?

Inspirational quotes can't help Marva!
Inspirational quotes dominate your newsfeed, call you from the isles in every store and sit in the corner of your daytimer. 

• Just do it. 
• Feel the fear and do it anyway.
  
  

But that doesn't really tell you what to do, does it?

Unless.....
Let’s go back to Marva’s problem. She’s dealing with a difficult person. 
️️Do you think Marva feels afraid?

What does fear feel like for you and Marva?
Think about someone you have to deal with that you don’t like or have trouble working with. When you go into a conversation or meeting with that person, do you feel the classic signs of fear?
​

• Is your heart racing?
• Are you hyperventilating? 
• Are your knees knocking? 
• Are you sweating profusely?
• Is there a tightness in your chest?

My guess is no.
Or worse, your never thought about it before ?‍♀️

Tuning into your body is the first step
What Marva realized as she worked through the Body Sensations worksheet in the course material, was that she never really tuned into her body before. When she mentally put herself back in the meeting, she realized, what Marva felt was more like a knot in her stomach.

• The problem was because Marva hadn't tuned in to her body sensations; she’d passed that feeling off in the past as constipation
  But that's not what it was!

Marva also realized she tensed up and felt almost a paralyzing feeling. Like she could only nod her head in agreement, but not get any words out. In fact, Marva realized in this situation that it was more like anxiety than all-out fear. 

We don't always feel the classic fear signs at work
Fear shows up differently for each of us. It also depends on the situation. If a bear is chasing Marva, her heart might be racing, and she might be hyperventilating. But in a meeting, with a co-worker who has a strong personality, fear can often be misunderstood, overlooked or dismissed.

⭐️Feel the fear and do it anyway is a powerful inspirational message when you do it.
By do it, I mean do the first half of the sentence:
Feel the fear ⭐️

Access your Inner Wisdom to gain control of your emotions
If you don’t slow down and PAUSE and then PONDER about your thoughts, feelings and body sensations, you’ll never get to the point where you can PIVOT from realizing you are experiencing fear and staying quiet to feeling the fear and asserting your voice. 

You will never have the courage to PROCEED into that meeting just as your boss told you to do and take control of the meeting. If you don’t slow down and access your inner wisdom, you won’t get to the second half of the sentence. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

When you and Marva access your inner wisdom,
you become courageous women leaders!

Courageous women leaders still get afraid.

• They continue to question their abilities.
• They doubt they can handle situations.

And, courageous women still feel the urge to run away from all of the stress. 

The difference is that courageous women leaders FEEL THE FEAR.
They tune into their bodies and sense what fear feels like viscerally.

1. They wonder what their body sensations are telling them.
2. Then they question their thoughts and often alter them.
3. That allows them to choose their emotions.
   
   

They become emotionally intelligent and can manage, not suppress their emotions.

Can you do what Marva did?
That’s what Marva did. Once she realized what fear felt like, she was able to manage her fear and anxiety. Managing her fear put her back in control of her emotions, rather than that fear controlling her behaviours. 

Learn to calm your mental chatter
Did Marva march into the next planning meeting and put Natalie in her place? No. But she did roll her shoulders back, hold her head up and paid attention to that tightening in her belly. Then Marva calmed her mental chatter, reminded herself: One step at a time. I’ve got this (10 Mantras to Strengthen Your Leadership)
And she was able to voice her opinions and ideas more strongly. 

You sure can!
Marva walked out of that meeting, feeling stronger and more courageous. All because she tuned into her body sensations. As Marva increases her emotional intelligence, she continues to grow her courage and confidence. Rather than being hijacked by emotions or having specific experiences shut her down, she’ll be more conscientious of what’s going on.
​

• Instead of reacting the way she always has, she’ll start to respond confidently.

Here's how...
To turn the useless inspirational quote into useful leadership help, YOU need to dig a bit deeper. You need to understand what the inspirational message means and then how to apply it. 

Do this:
Get used to flowing through the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle to access your inner wisdom.

• On this page, you’ll find resources to help you use the Inner Guidance Cycle and a link to download a PDF image of the Inner Guidance Cycle so you can put it on your bulletin board. I laminated mine and use it as a bookmark! 

For more help:
If you want to join Marva in growing your Emotional Intelligence, you may also be interested in the Emotional Control by Increasing your Emotional Vocabulary course that is inside of The Training Library.

Try the Emotional Control course with this free lesson

Tuning into your body will make you a stronger and more courageous leader!
I promise.

​Don't forget to check out the free lesson to help you tune into your body sensations inside of The Training Library here: Emotions Through the Day

Leadership Success = Managing Emotions

What are you trying to get better at or improve in your leadership? I know you are just trying to survive today or this week. But think beyond that for a moment. ​

Where do you want to feel more confident as a leader?
What would you like to get better at dealing with, tackling or taking on? ​ ​

Let me tell you a secret: Confidence starts with competence 

Do you want to feel confident managing your workload?
Maybe you feel utterly incapable of managing your workload. You doubt you can handle getting to some of the critical tasks and fear you'll forget something important. What you desire is to feel confident to manage what you are tasked with promptly.

️So you practice. But what are you practicing?

​My guess is here is where you get it ❌wrong. 
You keep practicing
✖️Putting out fires
✖️Dealing with emergencies
✖️Being too available to too many people. 
✖️Using your most productive times to answer emails. 
✖️Pushing through when your mind is mush, and your body is weary, a state that will never produce high-quality work. 

Practice builds confidence,
but only if you are practicing the right things. 

✅Practice this instead:
To learn to manage your workload, you need to practice building your willpower to set boundaries, focus on what's really important and resist the urge to head over to your email again because you don't want to deal with the tough conversation down the hall.

‍Do you want to feel confident in managing your emotions?
You may also want to feel more confident at managing your emotions during tough meetings. You want to learn how to manage them and be in control of your emotions instead of your emotions being in control of you.

️Then, you need to practice managing your emotions.

You are practicing the ❌wrong thing
Here is where you get it wrong. Instead of practicing managing your emotions, you practice shutting them off. 
When you pray to be able to leave your emotions at the door, that's what you keep practicing. Instead of praciting to manage your emotions, you are trying to perfect the art of shutting your emotions off` That's never going to work!?‍♀️

You will keep failing miserably at managing your emotions
​because you aren't practicing that skill!

​✅Practice this instead
You need to practice managing your emotions outside of the arena, court or playing field. Don't wait until the "big day" to learn how to do it. Success doesn't work that way. You need to find a more relaxed and safer place to practice managing your emotions. 

I use the Inner Guidance Cycle to manage my emotions
Sometimes I'll feel something bubbling up. Instead of trying to push it away, I find a safe time and place to explore what's there. 

• If I'm out and about, that might be finding a place to do a little PAUSE, such as in my vehicle or a public washroom.
• I PONDER by exploring my thoughts, feelings and body sensations. I know that if I can name it, the emotion, I can tame it. 
• Once I've got a handle on my emotion, that allows the confidence to build. I'll often say to myself: I've got this!! I'm PIVOTING from feeling incapable of managing my feelings, to feeling more confident that I've got the emotional control I desire. 
• After that, I can PROCEED back into the meeting, conversation or activity with the confidence that I'm in emotional control.

A mindfulness practice has built my confidence to manage my emotions
The REPEATED practice of learning to be mindful  of my emotions has helped me feel more confident in managing my emotions during tough meetings or tense conversations

Practice builds confidence,
but only if you are practicing the right things. 

​✅Practicing the right things with the 3 steps:
✔️Set a goal Have a clear target of what you want to build confidence in or with.
✔️Identify the skill you need to learn Know the skill you need to practice to reach that goal?
✔️Then create a habit to practise it often!!!! The courage to practice will give you the competence, thus grow your confidence.

​You've got this my dear! I'm on your team cheering you on! Practice, practice, practice ? the right thing!

My coaching client Lyssa called me last week in a tissy. She'd just come out of a staff meeting that hadn't gone well. I'll never be good at running meetings; she moaned! I hate them, and they hate me.

Who hates you? I teased. Your staff or just meetings in general?
Lyssa sighed; Both! 

Lyssa when on: Every time I go into a staff meeting, I feel tense. I know the meeting is going to be strained. Someone is going to get worked up, and it's most often me. I wait for someone to put me on the spot with a pointed question. I just know I'll get defensive. Too often, I've lost my cool and said things I shouldn't have. I then feel stupid and leave the meeting feeling lousy.
I psych myself up before meetings and just pray I will get through them. 

Lyssa set the bar low. I just want to survive this staff meeting.

But my job as a coach is to help Lyssa (and you) set the bar much higher.

• What if you didn't just survive staff meetings?
• What if you and your team had amazing staff meetings that developed relationships as well as your service delivery? 
  
  

It's time for Lyssa's Coaching
Let me tell you how I helped Lyssa move in that direction. I started by asking her: What does your agenda for staff meetings look like?

Lyssa shrugged; Probably like any other leader's agenda. First, I go over all of the issues and concerns that I've got to cover. Then we review policy updates from senior management. Finally, I ask if they have anything they want to cover.

🤷‍♀️So you beat them then you bore them and then, after all, that, you bother to ask for their input - Do I have that about right?

Um, laughs Lyssa - Well, I don't think it's quite that bad but yeah, I guess so. So what should I be doing instead?

Lyssa's Backstory
Lyssa had moved into her leadership role from a front-line position. She'd taken some management training since, but never received a "course" on how to run a staff meeting. It's just assumed, she knows how to do it. 

I bet you have a similar backstory
But that's probably not true for most of us. We didn't just wake up one day knowing the SKILLS of how to run a staff meeting. Very few people have the innate ability to know HOW to run a meeting. Those that do have learned how to do that.

Lyssa learns some skills to run an effective staff meeting
It was time for Lyssa to begin to learn more about the skills necessary for running a staff meeting. We spent a few minutes talking about how to structure a routine staff meeting. 

• We talked about the importance of having the agenda out early so that staff knew what to expect as well as could provide items for the agenda ahead of time.
• We talked about setting the stage at the beginning of the meeting by having a quick team building activity, a moment of silence, time for gratitude or kudos. I likened it to warming the oven up. You wouldn't put a cake in the oven before it's warmed up. Nor should you broach a touchy subject before everyone has had a chance to connect positively.
• We talked about the idea of rotating the chairperson role to allow her team the opportunity to practice planning meetings, developing leadership skills and managing conversations — all which are essential skills to grow as you build a succession plan. 
• Finally, Lyssa took down the link for the Emotional Control course. She knew that to manage her emotions during meetings, she needed to learn how to increase her Emotional Intelligence. 

After a few minutes, Lyssa asked me: Why hasn't anyone ever taught me this stuff before? I said; When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. 

That saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear hints that the information has always been there. You just weren't looking for it or prepared to hear it. Ask yourself: Have I ever actually looked for information about how to run a staff meeting effectively? Most of us would say, probably not.

Here is the thing, running a staff meeting with confidence means you need to develop skills to run an effective meeting. But you have to look for those skills!

A growth mindset keeps you looking for your teachers
If you want to know how to run an effective staff meeting, start looking for teachings on that. Where do you learn those skills from? Textbooks, YouTube searches, and watching a mentor are all good places to start.
But you have to look at it from a student mindset. You have to be willing to learn. These are some things to query:

• What are they doing? 
• What are they not doing?
• What framework are they using?
• How did they prepare?

Questioning these areas will help you to develop your competence.

⭐️Why this matters SO much!⭐️
The #1 fear in women leaders is the fear of not being competent, not measuring up, looking like an idiot, stumbling over your words, failing or making a big mistake! They are afraid of looking incompetent. This fear is an indication of imposter syndrome. 

You can be a CONFIDENT woman leader!
Competence, though, having the skill or ability to do something, is sometimes confused with having the courage to use that skill and feeling confident when you learn to use it well. All three of those "C" words go together.
✔️Competence is having the skills or ability 
✔️Courage is being willing to use those skills even if you are not very good at it and feel afraid.
✔️Confidence is what comes AFTER you've had some experience putting the new skills to use.

3 steps to develop the confidence, competence and courage to run effective staff meetings
To become more effective, competent and confident to run staff meetings, take a look at where you are struggling with a feeling of incompetence. Then do the following three steps

• First, identify where you struggle and the corresponding skill you would need to develop to increase your competence in that area.
  • i.e. I lack confidence in speaking - I need to develop public speaking skills
• Then look for where you could learn those skills.
  • i.e. Kathy's always talking about Toastmasters. Maybe I could see if there is a club around close to me.
• Finally, identify how you can practice that.
• i.e. Maybe I could go to the Chamber of Commerce meetings monthly and practice speaking. 

Your ongoing commitment to developing you
is your secret to success and happiness!

Competence + Courage = Confidence
Competence is knowing how. 
Courage is doing it even when it feels scary. 
Confidence is experiencing it and realizing you lived through it. 

Far too many leaders focus on the same old stuff every day! Round and round you go.
     Sure, you might experience a different flavour of crisis.
     The drama today could sound a bit different.
     Yet, when you look back over the last year or two, does it look the same?
 
Are you trapped?
If you keep experiencing basically the same crisis and dramas every day, that might be because you've become trapped in the same spot. It's like swamp water that doesn't move, and it's why you feel icky.

Are you living in the past? 
Just like those who still have the 80's hair doo, are you approaching problems with the same mindset and skillset that you learned 10, 20 or 30 years ago? Those old ways are not going to keep you at the forefront of leadership or help you to enjoy life.

Do you want to know what else is causing you grief?
Let me explain something that you may not have considered. If you are like many women leaders, at times, you struggle with imposter syndrome. Instead of feeling competent, capable and confident, you feel:

• Incapable
• Insecure &
• Incompetent

And you hope no one will ever figure out how inadequate you really are.

To get out of imposter syndrome, you need the training to feel competent and thus confident! If you aren't getting the training you need, then you keep feeling like you are incapable, insecure and incompetent.

Are you a manager or a leader? Here is the simple question to help you see: Are you trying to move things forward, or are you trying to stabilize them?

We need to both manage and lead
Likely you do both but at different times. The challenge is that we get caught in too much managing. We spend most of our time, heads down just trying to survive. More often, and we need to manage less and lead more. 

​A manager steadies things.
If at that moment, you are trying to stabilize things, keep them in line, and follow procedures, then you are managing. 

Here is what managing looks like:
When you wear the manager’s hat, you are;
      ✔️Managing budgets
     ✔️Setting up work schedules
     ✔️Ensuring people are following their job descriptions
     ✔️Reviewing procedures at a staff meeting
     ✔️Solving the problem of the day
     ✔️Returning emails
     ✔️Attending meetings, we are required to attend

?Managers get stuff done
Managers are maintaining order and consistency. They are keeping things status quo. In essence, they are getting the work done.

?Leaders are moving things forward
Shifting into leadership mode means that instead of maintaining the status quo, leaders are looking to challenge the status quo. You are looking to get out of the steady, sure place and find more movement forward. Leaders focus on change, movement, and growth.

Both Managing and Leading are needed!

Leadership looks like this:
Putting on your leadership hat has you do these activities:

• Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture
• Thinking strategically
• Creating a vision

Leaders develop others and the company
Leaders motivate, inspire, and energized team members to grow and develop to be all they can be. In doing so, this also creates the space for the company to be all it can be. Leaders help individuals and teams to reach their full potential.

Too often we get stuck in managing and forget to lead

Only leading or managing gets you into trouble
When we sit on one side of the other too long, it creates a void. Yes, we need to stabilize for a moment, but we also need to keep moving. 
 ?️Always racing forward can lead to no foundation with which build on. 
 ️.........Only focusing on the future can create chaos, and essentially you spin out of control.
 ?️On the other hand, staying still too long makes us stagnant ?

You need to shift between managing and leading

Leaders need to know how to shift back-and-forth
Leaders need to switch back and forth from their manager hat to their leadership hat. 
?Your strength may be in seeing the future potential of an employee, and so you focus on that during their performance review. You talk to them about their goals and help them decide what training they need to take over the next year. 
?You may also need to have a conversation with them about them being late with paperwork. That conversation manages day-to-day challenges. It also serves to stabilize their work and how that affects the rest of the team.

Don’t get stuck in managing
Add more leadership time

?I CHALLENGE YOU: Work to incorporate more leading in your day-to-day work. When you can set your sights farther down the road, you can look up and gain perspective. 

• That big-picture view helps you to realize that the urgent email isn’t as urgent as it appears. 
• It allows you to see where completing this task of the day fits into the overall growth of the program over the next six months. 
• Focusing on leading gives you a different outlook on what appears to be the biggest challenge you face. It often doesn’t look so imperative when you see it lined up with everything over the next year.

Practice leading more often
When you demonstrate your leadership more often, you will develop your team to be stronger, more independent and more engaged. In doing so, you will find your organization more cohesive and will advance quicker towards the goals set out in your visioning processes.

I'm sending you lots of positive vibes to practice your leadership capabilities, so you can be your best self!?

Kathy?

p.s. Learn more about leading and managing in this video below ?️

Curriculum mindset example # 1 
GOAL: Create more work-life balance.
PATH: I need to learn how to set boundaries 
Great, but how are you going to learn to set better boundaries?

You just can't wish that you're going to be better at setting boundaries. You can't just hope that one day you're just going to magically feel more confident and be able to set better boundaries. That is hope with no action. You need tools to help you.

TOOLS: In my mind, if you don't have a binder or book and a pen to write things down, you are not learning strategically. Your tools are:

• The book you are reading and when you are reading it
• The course you are taking
• The practice (i.e. meditation, journaling) that you are doing that is scheduled into your calendar. 
• It might also be the person you connect with, a coach, mentor or guide. 

Curriculum mindset example # 2
Maybe you want to be able to maintain your composure during tough conversations. But remember, you are not going to become a more emotionally intelligent person by wishing it would happen,

You're certainly not going to become more emotionally intelligent by waiting for your boss to stop being such a jerk. That's not going to change you.

You have to become response-able!
Take responsibility by developing your curriculum mindset:
What do I need to learn, and how will I learn it?

GOAL:: Stay composed during tough conversations. 
PATH: Learn more about emotional intelligence and how to control my thoughts and emotions
TOOLS: Watch Kathy's webinar: Saying composed during those tough conversations is to increase your emotional intelligence.

When you create your learning curriculum, things start to change for you.
Your curriculum mindset will get you out of survival mode and moving towards THRIVING!!! 

⭐️MY CHALLENGE TO YOU⭐️

• Develop a curriculum mindset, 
• Create your own personal and professional learning plan,
• Get clear on what your goals are, what your plan is to get there. And then I want you to know what tools you're using.

DO THIS to create your thriving target:

1. Schedule time in your agenda (No, I won't stop nagging you about actually scheduling time in because honestly, if you don't schedule it, chances are, you won't do it!)
2. Free write about what it looks like for you to thrive in your leadership role. Make sure to focus less on what you don't want and get more and more specific on what you DO want.
3. Grab this guide Your Thriving Target to go a little deeper into what it looks like for you when you ditch survival mode and begin to thrive more in leadership and life!

There is one little ⚠️WARNING ⚠️ I want to share.
Creating that target won't make it happen. It's only the first step.
You've then got to come back and create a plan and do the work to get there.

• Doing that work is often uncomfy - Setting boundaries
• It requires you to focus on something amidst the distractions - Can I just ask you a quick question?
• Oh and...um ugh...it means you've got to get really good at managing your thoughts and emotions. Because let's be honest. Just saying you are going to leave at 6:00 doesn't take into account the guilt you feel about the project that's due tomorrow, the thoughts about how bad you'll look if you don't complete it on time and the overwhelming urge to "just this one time" stay late.

-That requires you to focus on your self-control, inner discipline or willpower. Yes, there is that willpower word again. 

🆘HERE'S A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU
If you've been thinking working on the Willpower Essentials course but haven't had time to register, start or finish the course, now's the time to do that.
For 7 weeks, I'm going to be guiding you through the course, week-by-week in the Willpower Essentials Study Group.

• MEMBERS: If you are a member of The Training Library and want to join in, just reply to this email and say you want to join.
• NON-MEMBERS: If you are not yet a member, you can join now or purchase the course separately.

Do any of these sound familiar to you:

• "Just get me through today, please!"
• Just get me through this meeting!
• Just get me through this project!
• Just get me through this trip!

Yup! These phrases are all signs you might be stuck in --> Survival mode!

If you are all too familiar with these phrases and want to change that, keep reading. I am going to show you how to move from just surviving to thriving in both leadership and life!

Have you ever avoided a tough conversation, that you know you should have? 

We all have. Unfortunately, when we don't deal with them, they tend to fester and problems get worse.

Keep reading to learn how to create a plan to get you through "that" conversation in a way that feels authentic and confident!

​Let me start with a story:
I have a decision to make today…..ok…let me rephrase that. I’ve made a decision, now I need to communicate it to someone, and I’m not looking forward to it. 

• I think she’s going to take it the wrong way. 
• It makes me feel like a big meanie.
• I have the urge to put it off another week and see if things will fix themselves.
• Yet, it’s important that I focus on sharing the message authentically and clearly so that I can move on, and so can she. 

Not communicating a decision already made is taking up brainpower, emotional energy and time. I need a plan of how to communicate it and still feel I’ve been honest and genuine.

❓️Can you relate❓️
Do you have a conversation you need to have with someone and are dreading it? 😩

Having tough conversations takes discipline.
You need the self-control to do it, even when your inner self is screaming: 

• Are you nuts? 
• This is not going to be pretty! 
• You’re going to get your head bit off! 
• They will take it totally the wrong way! 
• Why don’t you just let someone else deal with it? 
• Maybe it will just go away. Just avoid them for a few days!

Your inner voice keeps you small!
To shush that nattering voice that keeps you lacking the courage to deal with the thing with integrity you need willpower.

Willpower is that inner will that will tell all that negativity to be quiet so you can awaken that courageous you that is hiding quietly in the background. 

Having a tough conversation takes willpower!
And here’s the truth: You need to strengthen your willpower so you can handle that tough conversation and get done what matters most!💪

Here's how willpower & tough conversations fit together
Let look at the components of willpower as they relate to difficult conversations. Willpower is the ability to:
      💥manage your thoughts.
      💥manage your emotions.
      💥resist urges and distractions
      💥focus on what matters most!

Imagine being a leader who can keep your thoughts and emotions in check and handle a tough conversation with courage, confidence and integrity!!!🙌

Let's back up a moment
Imagine the next tough talk that you have coming up.

• What makes it a tough talk? 🤔
• What is it about that conversation that makes you feel queasy, nervous, angry, or worried? ✍️
• Why is it that you want to cancel it, are dreading it or considering calling in sick that day? ✍️

My guess is several things could come into play.

• That tough conversation maybe with someone who has a strong personality
• Perhaps you’ve clashed in the past with this individual
• Maybe you’re worried that they’re going to be sensitive to the information you share

Now, let's look at how your willpower, or lack of willpower may come into play. When you think about how you define it as a tough conversation, consider:
     🔹What thoughts come up for you?
     🔹What emotions are connected to those thoughts?
     🔹Where might you allow yourself to be distracted?
     🔹What urges do you have about that meeting?
     🔹What will be important about focusing during that talk?

👉️Thoughts, feelings, resisting urges and distraction and focusing, all of the components of willpower are all going to play a role in that tough conversation. It will be your inner discipline or willpower that will help you stay engaged in a conversation when you don’t feel like it; 

You need a plan!!!! 👇️Here's how:
The best way to stay authentically and courageously in that uncomfortable conversation is to pre-plan. You need to know ahead of time:

• What unhelpful thoughts are unconscious in your mind 
  • i.e. They don’t like me! I’m not skilled at confrontation.
• What emotions are triggered by those thoughts 
  • i.e. inferiority, doubt, fear
• What urges may emerge as a result? 
  • i.e.the urge to shut down, tune them out, get defensive or conform, please or condone their behaviour.
• And what you are going to do about all of that so that you can focus on what matters most in that tough talk:
  • To keep your thoughts positive, optimistic and keep that inner dialogue reminding you that you are capable, courageous and confident.
  • To focus on having the emotional intelligence to manage your emotions.
  • To focus on keeping unhelpful distractions and urges at bay
  • To focus on your relationship, the goals for your organization, this person, as a person

You, my dear, need to have a plan to use your willpower wisely.

✏️Here’s your homework.
Identify the next difficult, tough or challenging conversation you have.

1. Schedule 15 minutes into your calendar to plan for that upcoming talk.
2. During your planning time, identify:
   1. ​The thoughts you have about that conversation
   2. What feelings emerge as a result of those thoughts
   3. What urges you might have that won’t be helpful to move that conversation forward
   4. What you need to do to focus during that tough talk so you can feel confident getting through it.
3. Approach your next conversation knowing even though it still may be tough; you’ll get through it feeling honest, authentic and with your integrity intact! 

🆘Need help?
If you need help strengthening your willpower and creating your plan to handle that next tough talk with your integrity intact, then join The Training Library. You will be able to attend the upcoming Webinar: How to prepare for a tough talk so you can handle it with integrity It's on Sept 25th at 12:00 MDT. If you can't make the session, it will be recorded and sent out after.