YOUR TURN: What made your list of 2019 books?
​Comment below and tell me what books I should put on my 2020 reading list!

It's not that there isn't anyone who doesn't see me at my worst. It's just that I reserved those moments for those few safe people. 
 
My dear husband ❤️ is the one who gets the brunt of it
Sometimes he'll ask me what's wrong, and I'll push him away because I'm not ready to go to that ugly place.
At other times, he doesn't ask. He just opens his arms and pulls me in tight. And I sob, and I sob, and I sob.
 
Other times, it's my daughter I call.

• She listens while I rant and rave and share my frustrations.

My coach hears my deep fears and challenges.
My friend allows me to share my failures, challenges and frustrations.
 
Often though, I don't need someone else to help me through it.
Instead, I need to go inside and heal. So I write✏️
 
Writing allows me to explore what's going on inside of me.
Jotting down what's going on helps me to see what triggered me and why it triggered me. When I scribble thoughts down on paper:

• I identify which of my core values have been impacted in this situation.
• I notice where I'm not my best self.
• I see patterns.
• I pick up on judgments, opinions and mistaken beliefs.

If you want to find happiness in your day and return to loving your leadership role, engaging in your life and feeling alive again, you have to explore the messy stuff. Sorry, but it's just the way it is!
 
🆘The steps: 1, 2, and 3
To grow, to heal and to be your best self, you must deal with the ugly crap.

• Make time for it.
• Create space for it.
• Find safe people to work through it with.

 
I'm here to offer some guidance
This isn’t easy work. It’s taken me years to get here. I’ve also had a ton of help along the way. As I’ve read books, taken training, engaged in coaching, became a coach, listened to a billion podcasts, Ted Talks and YouTube videos, and wrote my way through literally hundreds of journals, I’ve discovered tools, tips and strategies.
 
🔹For example, you’ve heard me reference The Inner Guidance Cycle that I teach inside of Mastering Confidence. The process of going through that is my primary go-to tool. 
 
🔹Doing the work to truly uncover how to operationalize my values is what I inside of Values Verification. 
 
🔹Growing my understanding of emotional intelligence and expanding my emotional literacy has helped me to maintain my composure. That is what I teach you inside of Emotional Control and many of the webinars that are available to you inside of The Training Library. 
 
🔹To be able to stay with the nasty feelings and explore them even when I’d rather numb out on Netflix takes a thing called willpower. I share with you how to increase yours inside of Willpower Essentials. 
 
Leadership is a lifelong journey of growth and development
But it’s not the sector training that is truly going to grow you to be your best self and lead most powerfully. Conferences, workshops and seminars all have a place in your training budget and your calendar. But they will not replace the time you need to create to be alone and explore the feelings you are experiencing. 
 
Inside of The Training Library, I provide you with a framework along with the guidance and coaching to explore what’s going on inside of you. This framework helps you to find clarity. With that clarity, you discover control, composure and confidence. ​

TIME SENSITIVE: Don't miss out on this!
If you are up for it, now would be an excellent time to join The Training Library and lock in your rate of $19.97/month for 2020.

• Starting in January, the monthly rate will increase for new enrolments.

 
So to answer the question, yes, I have “bad” days
But I don’t see them as bad. I see them as growth opportunities. It’s not always fun to go there. However, it is with the pain of exploration that I gain the feeling of confidence and the energy that allows me to inspire, motivate and encourage you to be your best self!
 
Stay tuned...
Next week I will be releasing the fourth course of 2019 inside of The Training Library. I’ll walk you through an analysis of your growth and development for 2019 and point you in the right direction for 2020.
 
Mark Dec. 20th on your calendar and make sure you have enrolled in The Training Library so you can end this century knowing how far you’ve come and ready to grow even more in 2020!
 
p.s. You should not be experiencing Leadership alone feeling lost and isolated! Reach out and find a support network, coach or mentor. It will make a world of difference for you

Einstein is quoted as saying we can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Yet, we try to do that all the time!

Let me tell you about Marilyn👩🏻‍💼and Iva 🙋‍♀️

Marilyn brought up her problem staff Iva in her latest coaching call with me. As Marilyn told me the challenge with Iva's late paperwork, I was sure this wasn't the first time Marilyn had to address the issue with Iva.

Marilyn's Headache...
No, it's been an ongoing challenge since I hired her three years ago, Marilyn confirmed. Every time I talk to her, she gets better for a few months, then we are back to the same way before long. I get comments from the funder about late reports, and suddenly, I'm annoyed again. So, I call Iva in and address it once more!

• She seems to get it. But obviously, she doesn't, because she quickly falls back into her old ways before long.

Do you do what Marilyn did?
Here is the thing, my dear, women like us often supervise our staff with the same approach that we parent our children. We remind them, coax them and reprimand them.

We think correction should fix them, right?

• But correction doesn't fix our employees!

That method has already been tried!
Let's be honest. If Iva's parents, teachers and university instructors hadn't yet cured her with scolding, lecturing and chewing her out, what makes us think our version of reprimanding her will?
 
We need to try something different!
No, as Einstein said, we need a new way of thinking. In fact, we need to pivot our thinking and come up with a whole new perspective.

Marilyn's Creative Insights
It wasn't about paperwork being on time, Marylyn had realized. It was an issue of respect. Marilyn knew the expectations of the funder were unrealistic and often a pain in the butt. The other staff had conformed to paperwork deadlines because it was the "right" thing to do.

• But Iva was holding true to her values.

Iva's focus was on service to the clients. Paperwork got in the way of that. 
 
The problem was Iva's values clash
Iva would always push back on paperwork if it interfered with direct client work. But there was another value that Iva held firmly. Respect.
 
Identifying the values clash "fixed" the problem
It was when Marylin had a conversation with Iva about how to balance both values in her work, respecting the funder's need for paperwork and valuing her clients, that Iva began to make some subtle shifts in the way she prioritized her work. It was nothing dramatic, but slight enough to appease everyone!
 
Answering the questions on paper allowed Marilyn to be creative
What Marilyn did, with the homework I gave her, was access her subconscious and her inner wisdom.
👉Marilyn got out of logical thinking for a few minutes and found new insights, ideas and perspectives. 

This could be your story...
Imagine coming home tomorrow evening, and as you pull into the driveway, you stop and turn off the radio.
 
You feel a strange sensation coming over you — calm, peaceful, and content.
 
As you take a slow deep breath, you realize how you feel. It's different than the regular tense, anxious and drained feeling you usually come home with. Even though there are things to do and more going on tonight, you aren't rushing to get into the house,
 
You feel that time can stand still, just for a moment. Literally, for one minute, you lean back in your seat and enjoy the feeling.

Replaying your day...
Your mind plays back the events of the day. Nothing dramatic. But as you watch yourself going through the motions of the day, you notice something has changed for you in the last few months and that is evident by so much that happened today.
 
The list of your "good things"
 
💙There was that conversation that, although it was tough, you are proud of the way you handled.
 
💜You remember that meeting that you felt sure of yourself. Your confidence wasn't just in your imagination. Others noticed your confidence, too, and the comment you received from a colleague confirmed that after the meeting: You sure know your stuff. I love how you managed to explain it in a way that everyone understood and got on board. That memory brings a smile to your face.
 
🧡You think about all you accomplished today and noticed how much the little walk at lunch lifted your energy and gave you an increased focus to get through the document you were working on after lunch.
 
💚And then, you chuckle as you see the three people you made smile on your team when you came out of your office with a spring in your step because you were so pleased with yourself. You couldn't help the mood rubbing off onto those around you.
 
💖As you head into the house, you realize that you've got the energy to ask your partner about their day, take the dog for a quick walk and make something decent for supper. It feels a bit surreal, and you wonder if you are in a dream.

The list of your "not so good things"
✖️Because your alarm went off and you fell back asleep. Or maybe you spilled coffee on your blouse. Or both. And you gave yourself shit for being such a klutz.
 
✖️Then you read that email before you left the house that pissed you off, and you let it fester.
 
✖️You started thinking about all of the things you knew you'd never get done today, but really need to get done. Your shoulders got tense, and your head started to thump. You mumbled once again: I just wish I had a manageable workload! God, I need an assistant! And your body stayed in stress mode all day
 
✖️Driving into the office, you reflect on yesterday's conversation with your boss, who once again highlighted everything you've missed without a word about all you've done. And that hurt. You turned that hurt to anger.
 
✖️You cross paths with the employee that you continue to have a personality conflict with and before you even open your mouth, you know it's not going to end well, so you put up your guard.
 
✖️And that meeting? You thought about how much everyone else in the room knows, and you felt stupid. So you held back. When someone did ask you a question, you felt tongue-tied and couldn't say anything coherently.
 
✖️The entire day you were on high alert, fearful about what would blow up next -- feeling foolish and flawed. 
 
You experienced a constant state of inner turmoil😏
What happens is that your thoughts get in your way.

• One negative thought, one small doubt, one fear, one bit of overwhelm all snowball together and make a big ole mess!
• That inner turmoil then is reflected in your actions.

 
And the outcome isn't pretty!
👎️Instead of confidently addressing the topic at the meeting, you fumble over your words.
👎️Instead of sitting down and getting at that project and feeling very productive, you doubt your skills and waste your time rechecking emails.
👎️Instead of finding a place of alignment with that employee, you highlight the separation and drive the wedge in deeper.
 
But you can have that dream above! --> Inner Contentment!
To learn how to make that shift from feeling incompetent, incapable and insecure to feeling confident, competent and composed isn't rocket science. No, it's more like brain science.
 
That transformation can happen for you. Just like it did for Tammy⬇️
You have to do the inner work of learning to manage your thoughts and feelings ⬇️
 
Tammy's Transformation can be yours too!
Here's what Tammy said after committing to making consistent small changes as she did the "inner work." 
 
I was a mess! I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't face going to work. I was miserable at home, and it was affecting everyone in the house.
 
I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I was drowning and didn't know how to get back to the surface. It was a scary time for me because I did not know which way to turn or what to do. I felt sad, mad, defeated, disappointed and humiliated all at the same time. It was horrible.
 
I was disappointed that I hadn't been able to resolve the issues on my own. I didn't want to ask for help, but in my heart, I knew that I needed to if I wanted to get back in the game. Quitting wouldn't have taken care of the real issues.
 
Through my work with the lessons in The Training Library and my coaching sessions, I became more aware of the part I was playing in my negativity.
 
Having to explain my feelings and what led to them really made me see that I am the only one who can control me - I control my thoughts and my actions. I cannot control the behaviour of others. I can only control the way I respond and react.
 
I now have more energy and experience a few laughs throughout my day. I even got back on track with my eating and have been making it to the gym more frequently. What I am most proud of is finding my flow at work. Work certainly isn't perfect, but I feel more authentic and in integrity.
 
Transform yourself.
Find contentment by doing the inner work
 
If you want that shift for you, commit to doing the inner work.

• Learn to manage your thoughts, your feelings and subsequent actions.
• Learn to access your inner wisdom by mindfully tuning in more often.
• Become more aligned with your values.
• Notice the thoughts that make feel and then you react in ways you aren't proud of by building your emotional intelligence
• Learn to use your breath to calm your nervous system so you can manage your thoughts, and discover instant composure.

 
That will help you be in control of your emotions and end the day, feeling confident, composed and content. ​

Do you know how you've been dreading that conversation that is coming up?
 
It's not because of the agenda or the other person that you'd rather avoid.
 
That's what Sonya thought when she called me for her coaching call

My clients are often dreading an upcoming conversation
Sonya was NOT looking forward to an upcoming meeting with her boss!

• She fully suspected he was going to tell her about a staff complaint against her.

 
Sonya thought the reason she was dreading it was because

1. The agenda - her performance was going to be addressed
2. Her boss and the employee - The employee didn't like her. Sonya suspected her boss wasn't all that enthusiastic about her skills either.

 
I heard a deeper message
As she reiterated the events leading up to today, and I read between the lines, I heard Sonya's unconscious thoughts:

• It's not going to go well.
  • And I heard: I can't handle confrontation
• My boss has never liked me.
  • And I heard: I'm not cut out for this job
• When I reflected that back to Sonya, she was surprised, but agreed.

 
The insights often surprise my clients
Sonya said:

• You're right. I don't believe I'm very good at confrontation. I hate it, Always have.
• And, I took this job with a promise I'd get more leadership training, and that's never happened. I always feel like I'm floundering. I don't know how to get my staff to do what they are supposed to be doing.

 
As a result, Sonya felt that every day was a struggle. She was tired and tired of being tired. Part of her just wanted out.
 
I help my ladies (that's what I call my clients) access that deeper message
As I coached Sonya through the Inner Guidance Cycle (IGC) of pause, ponder pivot and proceed, she accessed her inner wisdom. She realized how often her unconscious thoughts were sabotaging her efforts as much as, if not more so, than the day to day work.
 
My ladies learn to manage their mind chatter so they feel composed
Over time, I taught Sonya to use the IGC consistently to learn to manage her mind chatter. In doing so, she learned to manage her emotions. And you know what that does; It gave her increased emotional intelligence and composure!

• I bet you are looking for increased composure also!

 
It's time for you to learn this too!
Over the next few weeks, I'm going to dive deeper into the IGC so you can use it to manage your thoughts. For now, let me give you a few pointers about mind chatter.

Thoughts. A voice in your head. Monkey brain.
We call it many things, but it's all the same. Mind chatter is the conversation or monologue we are having with ourselves inside our heads. 
 
What you need to know about that mind chatter is this:

• it's there,
• it rules your life and
• you can manage it.

 
1) MIND CHATTER is there:
We all have thoughts; the majority of them are unconscious. It is the thoughts we are oblivious to, which often leads to experiencing our lives in ways we don't want.

• For example, many of us don't realize that via our inner thoughts, we have been convincing ourselves that we can't handle our overwhelming responsibilities, appointments, and to do's.

 
If you stopped and paid attention to your thoughts, you might hear your mind repeating similar phrases like a broken record:

• I'm never going to make it through this day.
• I have way too much to do.
• I'll never get done this.
• There is no way I can handle this.
• I'll be lucky to get through half of this.

 
The thoughts we have been automatically thinking have been inducing the sense we have of pressure, strain, and anxiety. 
 
What's more, the self-sabotaging remarks we think, wreak havoc on our confidence. The constant onslaught of judgments that reel through our mind does more to challenge our confidence than what other people actually utter.
 
2) MIND CHATTER rules your life:
What you think about creates your experience of life. Or…what you expect, you get.

• It is those unconscious expectations that you are setting for yourself that make you feel the way you do.

 
In the example above, your unconscious thoughts of overwhelm gave you the experience of feeling incompetent in handling your day.

• When you have those repeating thoughts in your mind that are reminding you that you can't handle it, you create your sense of overwhelm.

 
That draws your attention to notice everything that goes wrong, every second "stolen" from you and each extra task added to your list. 
 
3) You can manage your MIND CHATTER:
When you become more aware of your thoughts, you can choose what you are thinking. Those different thoughts shift your experience.
 
Once more, using the example above, you could begin to manage your thoughts about your day. Instead of the catastrophic thoughts that you have about your overwhelming day, you can catch yourself going down that path and turn a different way.
 
By choosing instead to think about your ability to handle things and to be alert for opportunities, you change your experience.

• I can handle my day.
• I am good at prioritizing.
• I will set a manageable list of what I can accomplish today.
• I will look for tiny moments of time found throughout the day.
• Even though it feels awkward, I will set boundaries with my team creating pockets of deep work time.

 
When you become more conscious of your inner thoughts and then shift them, you also find you experience your day differently.
You didn't necessarily change anything going on outside of you. Instead, you shifted your thought about what was going on outside of you.

• ✅The tasks, meetings, and duties are still there; they just have less power over you.

 
Shifting your mind chatter leaves you feeling more in control and on top of the priority projects, not everything, but you know that it's the real priorities that matter at the end of the day.  
 
The tools for managing your thoughts:
1) Breathing

• Take a deep breath. That will bring you back to the present moment and more aware of what you are thinking. Find help with this here

2) Meditation

• The practise of sitting still for a few moments a day trains your brain to be less automatic and racing. Instead, you cultivate a sense of groundedness. Practicing the skill of not reacting to every impulse that jumps out at you lets you be less reactive and more responsive throughout your day.

3) Journaling

• By taking a few movements each day to journal your thoughts, you become more aware of irrational beliefs, unhelpful views and thought patterns.

My student Marva has her annual fundraiser coming up. It’s a ton of work for her organization but is a crucial contributor to their yearly budget. It takes all hands on deck to pull it off, including the Program Coordinator Natalie’s. And Natalie has a mind of her own. ​

Natalie is, shall we say, strong-willed! She is pushy, bossy, and controlling. Even though Marva is the Director of the organization, Marva always feels intimidated when Natalie walks into a meeting. Perhaps that’s because in the past when she’s questioned Natalie or pushed back, Natalie came back harder than ever.
​
Marva is a pleaser
️The impact of Natalie's strong personality is that Marva tends to hold back or goes along with Natalie’s ideas because it’s easier than asserting herself. 

Marva's trying to be more courageous
When Marva asked her boss for help to deal with Natalie this year, her boss said: Just do it! Walk into the meeting and take charge! Don’t let her boss you around. 

Marva hasn't got great advice!
That kind of advice sounds like Marva should head to the bathroom and quickly change into her superhero outfit?‍♀️
But the truth is, if she didn’t have the confidence to deal with Natalie before, how could useless inspiration like, Just do it, help? It won’t.

When Marva complained to her friend about Natalie's domineering personality, the advice she got was no better. Marva’s friend suggested Marva was afraid of Natalie. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway, Marva's friend told her. 

Yeah - sooooooo helpful! NOT!
The fear has always been there. How do you suddenly push it aside?

Inspirational quotes can't help Marva!
Inspirational quotes dominate your newsfeed, call you from the isles in every store and sit in the corner of your daytimer. 

• Just do it. 
• Feel the fear and do it anyway.
  
  

But that doesn't really tell you what to do, does it?

Unless.....
Let’s go back to Marva’s problem. She’s dealing with a difficult person. 
️️Do you think Marva feels afraid?

What does fear feel like for you and Marva?
Think about someone you have to deal with that you don’t like or have trouble working with. When you go into a conversation or meeting with that person, do you feel the classic signs of fear?
​

• Is your heart racing?
• Are you hyperventilating? 
• Are your knees knocking? 
• Are you sweating profusely?
• Is there a tightness in your chest?

My guess is no.
Or worse, your never thought about it before ?‍♀️

Tuning into your body is the first step
What Marva realized as she worked through the Body Sensations worksheet in the course material, was that she never really tuned into her body before. When she mentally put herself back in the meeting, she realized, what Marva felt was more like a knot in her stomach.

• The problem was because Marva hadn't tuned in to her body sensations; she’d passed that feeling off in the past as constipation
  But that's not what it was!

Marva also realized she tensed up and felt almost a paralyzing feeling. Like she could only nod her head in agreement, but not get any words out. In fact, Marva realized in this situation that it was more like anxiety than all-out fear. 

We don't always feel the classic fear signs at work
Fear shows up differently for each of us. It also depends on the situation. If a bear is chasing Marva, her heart might be racing, and she might be hyperventilating. But in a meeting, with a co-worker who has a strong personality, fear can often be misunderstood, overlooked or dismissed.

⭐️Feel the fear and do it anyway is a powerful inspirational message when you do it.
By do it, I mean do the first half of the sentence:
Feel the fear ⭐️

Access your Inner Wisdom to gain control of your emotions
If you don’t slow down and PAUSE and then PONDER about your thoughts, feelings and body sensations, you’ll never get to the point where you can PIVOT from realizing you are experiencing fear and staying quiet to feeling the fear and asserting your voice. 

You will never have the courage to PROCEED into that meeting just as your boss told you to do and take control of the meeting. If you don’t slow down and access your inner wisdom, you won’t get to the second half of the sentence. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

When you and Marva access your inner wisdom,
you become courageous women leaders!

Courageous women leaders still get afraid.

• They continue to question their abilities.
• They doubt they can handle situations.

And, courageous women still feel the urge to run away from all of the stress. 

The difference is that courageous women leaders FEEL THE FEAR.
They tune into their bodies and sense what fear feels like viscerally.

1. They wonder what their body sensations are telling them.
2. Then they question their thoughts and often alter them.
3. That allows them to choose their emotions.
   
   

They become emotionally intelligent and can manage, not suppress their emotions.

Can you do what Marva did?
That’s what Marva did. Once she realized what fear felt like, she was able to manage her fear and anxiety. Managing her fear put her back in control of her emotions, rather than that fear controlling her behaviours. 

Learn to calm your mental chatter
Did Marva march into the next planning meeting and put Natalie in her place? No. But she did roll her shoulders back, hold her head up and paid attention to that tightening in her belly. Then Marva calmed her mental chatter, reminded herself: One step at a time. I’ve got this (10 Mantras to Strengthen Your Leadership)
And she was able to voice her opinions and ideas more strongly. 

You sure can!
Marva walked out of that meeting, feeling stronger and more courageous. All because she tuned into her body sensations. As Marva increases her emotional intelligence, she continues to grow her courage and confidence. Rather than being hijacked by emotions or having specific experiences shut her down, she’ll be more conscientious of what’s going on.
​

• Instead of reacting the way she always has, she’ll start to respond confidently.

Here's how...
To turn the useless inspirational quote into useful leadership help, YOU need to dig a bit deeper. You need to understand what the inspirational message means and then how to apply it. 

Do this:
Get used to flowing through the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle to access your inner wisdom.

• On this page, you’ll find resources to help you use the Inner Guidance Cycle and a link to download a PDF image of the Inner Guidance Cycle so you can put it on your bulletin board. I laminated mine and use it as a bookmark! 

For more help:
If you want to join Marva in growing your Emotional Intelligence, you may also be interested in the Emotional Control by Increasing your Emotional Vocabulary course that is inside of The Training Library.

Try the Emotional Control course with this free lesson

Tuning into your body will make you a stronger and more courageous leader!
I promise.

​Don't forget to check out the free lesson to help you tune into your body sensations inside of The Training Library here: Emotions Through the Day

Leadership Success = Managing Emotions

What are you trying to get better at or improve in your leadership? I know you are just trying to survive today or this week. But think beyond that for a moment. ​

Where do you want to feel more confident as a leader?
What would you like to get better at dealing with, tackling or taking on? ​ ​

Let me tell you a secret: Confidence starts with competence 

Do you want to feel confident managing your workload?
Maybe you feel utterly incapable of managing your workload. You doubt you can handle getting to some of the critical tasks and fear you'll forget something important. What you desire is to feel confident to manage what you are tasked with promptly.

️So you practice. But what are you practicing?

​My guess is here is where you get it ❌wrong. 
You keep practicing
✖️Putting out fires
✖️Dealing with emergencies
✖️Being too available to too many people. 
✖️Using your most productive times to answer emails. 
✖️Pushing through when your mind is mush, and your body is weary, a state that will never produce high-quality work. 

Practice builds confidence,
but only if you are practicing the right things. 

✅Practice this instead:
To learn to manage your workload, you need to practice building your willpower to set boundaries, focus on what's really important and resist the urge to head over to your email again because you don't want to deal with the tough conversation down the hall.

‍Do you want to feel confident in managing your emotions?
You may also want to feel more confident at managing your emotions during tough meetings. You want to learn how to manage them and be in control of your emotions instead of your emotions being in control of you.

️Then, you need to practice managing your emotions.

You are practicing the ❌wrong thing
Here is where you get it wrong. Instead of practicing managing your emotions, you practice shutting them off. 
When you pray to be able to leave your emotions at the door, that's what you keep practicing. Instead of praciting to manage your emotions, you are trying to perfect the art of shutting your emotions off` That's never going to work!?‍♀️

You will keep failing miserably at managing your emotions
​because you aren't practicing that skill!

​✅Practice this instead
You need to practice managing your emotions outside of the arena, court or playing field. Don't wait until the "big day" to learn how to do it. Success doesn't work that way. You need to find a more relaxed and safer place to practice managing your emotions. 

I use the Inner Guidance Cycle to manage my emotions
Sometimes I'll feel something bubbling up. Instead of trying to push it away, I find a safe time and place to explore what's there. 

• If I'm out and about, that might be finding a place to do a little PAUSE, such as in my vehicle or a public washroom.
• I PONDER by exploring my thoughts, feelings and body sensations. I know that if I can name it, the emotion, I can tame it. 
• Once I've got a handle on my emotion, that allows the confidence to build. I'll often say to myself: I've got this!! I'm PIVOTING from feeling incapable of managing my feelings, to feeling more confident that I've got the emotional control I desire. 
• After that, I can PROCEED back into the meeting, conversation or activity with the confidence that I'm in emotional control.

A mindfulness practice has built my confidence to manage my emotions
The REPEATED practice of learning to be mindful  of my emotions has helped me feel more confident in managing my emotions during tough meetings or tense conversations

Practice builds confidence,
but only if you are practicing the right things. 

​✅Practicing the right things with the 3 steps:
✔️Set a goal Have a clear target of what you want to build confidence in or with.
✔️Identify the skill you need to learn Know the skill you need to practice to reach that goal?
✔️Then create a habit to practise it often!!!! The courage to practice will give you the competence, thus grow your confidence.

​You've got this my dear! I'm on your team cheering you on! Practice, practice, practice ? the right thing!

My coaching client Lyssa called me last week in a tissy. She'd just come out of a staff meeting that hadn't gone well. I'll never be good at running meetings; she moaned! I hate them, and they hate me.

Who hates you? I teased. Your staff or just meetings in general?
Lyssa sighed; Both! 

Lyssa when on: Every time I go into a staff meeting, I feel tense. I know the meeting is going to be strained. Someone is going to get worked up, and it's most often me. I wait for someone to put me on the spot with a pointed question. I just know I'll get defensive. Too often, I've lost my cool and said things I shouldn't have. I then feel stupid and leave the meeting feeling lousy.
I psych myself up before meetings and just pray I will get through them. 

Lyssa set the bar low. I just want to survive this staff meeting.

But my job as a coach is to help Lyssa (and you) set the bar much higher.

• What if you didn't just survive staff meetings?
• What if you and your team had amazing staff meetings that developed relationships as well as your service delivery? 
  
  

It's time for Lyssa's Coaching
Let me tell you how I helped Lyssa move in that direction. I started by asking her: What does your agenda for staff meetings look like?

Lyssa shrugged; Probably like any other leader's agenda. First, I go over all of the issues and concerns that I've got to cover. Then we review policy updates from senior management. Finally, I ask if they have anything they want to cover.

🤷‍♀️So you beat them then you bore them and then, after all, that, you bother to ask for their input - Do I have that about right?

Um, laughs Lyssa - Well, I don't think it's quite that bad but yeah, I guess so. So what should I be doing instead?

Lyssa's Backstory
Lyssa had moved into her leadership role from a front-line position. She'd taken some management training since, but never received a "course" on how to run a staff meeting. It's just assumed, she knows how to do it. 

I bet you have a similar backstory
But that's probably not true for most of us. We didn't just wake up one day knowing the SKILLS of how to run a staff meeting. Very few people have the innate ability to know HOW to run a meeting. Those that do have learned how to do that.

Lyssa learns some skills to run an effective staff meeting
It was time for Lyssa to begin to learn more about the skills necessary for running a staff meeting. We spent a few minutes talking about how to structure a routine staff meeting. 

• We talked about the importance of having the agenda out early so that staff knew what to expect as well as could provide items for the agenda ahead of time.
• We talked about setting the stage at the beginning of the meeting by having a quick team building activity, a moment of silence, time for gratitude or kudos. I likened it to warming the oven up. You wouldn't put a cake in the oven before it's warmed up. Nor should you broach a touchy subject before everyone has had a chance to connect positively.
• We talked about the idea of rotating the chairperson role to allow her team the opportunity to practice planning meetings, developing leadership skills and managing conversations — all which are essential skills to grow as you build a succession plan. 
• Finally, Lyssa took down the link for the Emotional Control course. She knew that to manage her emotions during meetings, she needed to learn how to increase her Emotional Intelligence. 

After a few minutes, Lyssa asked me: Why hasn't anyone ever taught me this stuff before? I said; When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. 

That saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear hints that the information has always been there. You just weren't looking for it or prepared to hear it. Ask yourself: Have I ever actually looked for information about how to run a staff meeting effectively? Most of us would say, probably not.

Here is the thing, running a staff meeting with confidence means you need to develop skills to run an effective meeting. But you have to look for those skills!

A growth mindset keeps you looking for your teachers
If you want to know how to run an effective staff meeting, start looking for teachings on that. Where do you learn those skills from? Textbooks, YouTube searches, and watching a mentor are all good places to start.
But you have to look at it from a student mindset. You have to be willing to learn. These are some things to query:

• What are they doing? 
• What are they not doing?
• What framework are they using?
• How did they prepare?

Questioning these areas will help you to develop your competence.

⭐️Why this matters SO much!⭐️
The #1 fear in women leaders is the fear of not being competent, not measuring up, looking like an idiot, stumbling over your words, failing or making a big mistake! They are afraid of looking incompetent. This fear is an indication of imposter syndrome. 

You can be a CONFIDENT woman leader!
Competence, though, having the skill or ability to do something, is sometimes confused with having the courage to use that skill and feeling confident when you learn to use it well. All three of those "C" words go together.
✔️Competence is having the skills or ability 
✔️Courage is being willing to use those skills even if you are not very good at it and feel afraid.
✔️Confidence is what comes AFTER you've had some experience putting the new skills to use.

3 steps to develop the confidence, competence and courage to run effective staff meetings
To become more effective, competent and confident to run staff meetings, take a look at where you are struggling with a feeling of incompetence. Then do the following three steps

• First, identify where you struggle and the corresponding skill you would need to develop to increase your competence in that area.
  • i.e. I lack confidence in speaking - I need to develop public speaking skills
• Then look for where you could learn those skills.
  • i.e. Kathy's always talking about Toastmasters. Maybe I could see if there is a club around close to me.
• Finally, identify how you can practice that.
• i.e. Maybe I could go to the Chamber of Commerce meetings monthly and practice speaking. 

Your ongoing commitment to developing you
is your secret to success and happiness!

Competence + Courage = Confidence
Competence is knowing how. 
Courage is doing it even when it feels scary. 
Confidence is experiencing it and realizing you lived through it. 

Far too many leaders focus on the same old stuff every day! Round and round you go.
     Sure, you might experience a different flavour of crisis.
     The drama today could sound a bit different.
     Yet, when you look back over the last year or two, does it look the same?
 
Are you trapped?
If you keep experiencing basically the same crisis and dramas every day, that might be because you've become trapped in the same spot. It's like swamp water that doesn't move, and it's why you feel icky.

Are you living in the past? 
Just like those who still have the 80's hair doo, are you approaching problems with the same mindset and skillset that you learned 10, 20 or 30 years ago? Those old ways are not going to keep you at the forefront of leadership or help you to enjoy life.

Do you want to know what else is causing you grief?
Let me explain something that you may not have considered. If you are like many women leaders, at times, you struggle with imposter syndrome. Instead of feeling competent, capable and confident, you feel:

• Incapable
• Insecure &
• Incompetent

And you hope no one will ever figure out how inadequate you really are.

To get out of imposter syndrome, you need the training to feel competent and thus confident! If you aren't getting the training you need, then you keep feeling like you are incapable, insecure and incompetent.

Are you a manager or a leader? Here is the simple question to help you see: Are you trying to move things forward, or are you trying to stabilize them?

We need to both manage and lead
Likely you do both but at different times. The challenge is that we get caught in too much managing. We spend most of our time, heads down just trying to survive. More often, and we need to manage less and lead more. 

​A manager steadies things.
If at that moment, you are trying to stabilize things, keep them in line, and follow procedures, then you are managing. 

Here is what managing looks like:
When you wear the manager’s hat, you are;
      ✔️Managing budgets
     ✔️Setting up work schedules
     ✔️Ensuring people are following their job descriptions
     ✔️Reviewing procedures at a staff meeting
     ✔️Solving the problem of the day
     ✔️Returning emails
     ✔️Attending meetings, we are required to attend

?Managers get stuff done
Managers are maintaining order and consistency. They are keeping things status quo. In essence, they are getting the work done.

?Leaders are moving things forward
Shifting into leadership mode means that instead of maintaining the status quo, leaders are looking to challenge the status quo. You are looking to get out of the steady, sure place and find more movement forward. Leaders focus on change, movement, and growth.

Both Managing and Leading are needed!

Leadership looks like this:
Putting on your leadership hat has you do these activities:

• Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture
• Thinking strategically
• Creating a vision

Leaders develop others and the company
Leaders motivate, inspire, and energized team members to grow and develop to be all they can be. In doing so, this also creates the space for the company to be all it can be. Leaders help individuals and teams to reach their full potential.

Too often we get stuck in managing and forget to lead

Only leading or managing gets you into trouble
When we sit on one side of the other too long, it creates a void. Yes, we need to stabilize for a moment, but we also need to keep moving. 
 ?️Always racing forward can lead to no foundation with which build on. 
 ️.........Only focusing on the future can create chaos, and essentially you spin out of control.
 ?️On the other hand, staying still too long makes us stagnant ?

You need to shift between managing and leading

Leaders need to know how to shift back-and-forth
Leaders need to switch back and forth from their manager hat to their leadership hat. 
?Your strength may be in seeing the future potential of an employee, and so you focus on that during their performance review. You talk to them about their goals and help them decide what training they need to take over the next year. 
?You may also need to have a conversation with them about them being late with paperwork. That conversation manages day-to-day challenges. It also serves to stabilize their work and how that affects the rest of the team.

Don’t get stuck in managing
Add more leadership time

?I CHALLENGE YOU: Work to incorporate more leading in your day-to-day work. When you can set your sights farther down the road, you can look up and gain perspective. 

• That big-picture view helps you to realize that the urgent email isn’t as urgent as it appears. 
• It allows you to see where completing this task of the day fits into the overall growth of the program over the next six months. 
• Focusing on leading gives you a different outlook on what appears to be the biggest challenge you face. It often doesn’t look so imperative when you see it lined up with everything over the next year.

Practice leading more often
When you demonstrate your leadership more often, you will develop your team to be stronger, more independent and more engaged. In doing so, you will find your organization more cohesive and will advance quicker towards the goals set out in your visioning processes.

I'm sending you lots of positive vibes to practice your leadership capabilities, so you can be your best self!?

Kathy?

p.s. Learn more about leading and managing in this video below ?️