Boosting Confidence Before Tough Meetings: A Nonprofit Leader's Journey

31/10/2023

Understanding Pre-Meeting Anxiety

If you are a nonprofit leader and have a tough meeting coming up, you will want to feel empowered going into it. Tune into Sandra's story to build your confidence going into challenging conversations!

Sandra's Story: Facing the Fear of a Tough Meeting

When Sandra came to our coaching call, she was preparing for a meeting with the Executive Director about her performance. Sandra was dreading the meeting. She knew her boss would make her feel stupid, small and even scared.

The meeting was supposed to help Sandra in her role.
The intention was that it would give her the support, guidance and assistance that Sandra needs to excel.

But that's not how Sandra anticipated the meeting was really going to go down!

Sandra knew she would feel attacked by her boss

Sandra knows that "help" from her boss is typically in the form of them pointing out:

everything she's done wrong
what she needs to work on and
by her boss highlighting Sandra's weaknesses.

Rather than feeling empowered, uplifted and motivated to do a better job, Sandra generally feels beaten down after a 1-1 with her Executive Director.

Sandra's anxious thoughts were almost out of control

Ever since Sandra's boss had scheduled the meeting, Sandra had been rolling around the worst-case scenario in her mind. She imagined being fired on the spot, being raked over the coals and being belittled, berated and bullied. Hence, the knot in her stomach!

Sandra had a history of not feeling supported by her boss

It's no wonder Sandra was dreading the meeting! Past meetings had not gone well. Most of what Sandra feared had happened in the past.

Sandra's boss would pick at her weaknesses
They would identify what Sandra is doing wrong.
How they communicated would be blunt, cold and unfeeling.

It was time for Sandra to change her perspective

Just because that is how Sandra's ED has communicated in the past does not mean that Sandra has to believe it means she is incompetent or not cut out for leadership.

Sandra can choose to pick between the well-intentioned but still hurtful comments and find out what's valuable in between those comments.

Sandra took back control of her thoughts

Whether it is this conversation with her boss or another, Sandra gets to decide how she will proactively continue to grow and develop in her nonprofit leadership role.

Shifting Your Mindset for Confidence

Sandra enlists the support of her nonprofit coach

Sandra brought this upcoming conversation to our coaching call. In past coaching sessions, we'd already talked about mindsets, perspectives and lenses, so she knew her mindset mattered most!

To plan to feel more confident in the upcoming conversation, we took a look at the kinds of messages Sandra's boss might share:

You have too much overtime.
You get your monthly reports to me.
You are not good at managing your time.
You have too many staff meetings.
Stop coddling your team.

The Power of Perspective: Changing Your Mindset

Leadership MINDSET # 1

If Sandra chose to see herself as flawed, she would take these kinds of comments to heart. Imposter Syndrome would take over, and the knot in her stomach would grow to a tightening in her chest. Sandra could see how her thoughts could snowball:

I don't know how to do all of this work without overtime.
I've never been good at managing my time.
I've never been an organized person.
I'm not leadership material.

Sandra knew she didn't want to go down that path.

Leadership MINDSET #2 (THE BETTER OPTION)

I invited Sandra to PAUSE, and take a breath. I asked what might happen if she chose to hear the messages differently. Sandra PONDERed and considered the comments above and then what else might be true:

I've been working hard to do a good job and putting in the extra effort.
I'm a committed employee.
I care about my job and my team!
Yes, the overtime is killing me. I DO want to reduce it! Not because my boss is telling me to, but because I want to figure leadership out and have a life!

This new perspective allowed her to see herself as competent and always learning and growing.

Mindset # 2 helps Sandra feel more confident

Sandra then used curiosity to PIVOT to new thoughts:

Where can I learn more about time management as a leader?
What could I be doing differently, delegating or deciding quicker?

Sandra knew she wanted to learn to manage her time better and find more time for the rest of her life! She knew those new thoughts would help her courageously PROCEED into the conversation with her boss with a confident mindset.

Instead of feeling beaten down by taking time to move through the Inner Guidance Cycle, Sandra felt back in control. She was ready to take the core of the feedback (too much overtime) and hear it for what it is—Feedback.

Believing in Your Potential: The Foundation of Confidence

How does this help Sandra remove the knot in her stomach before the meeting?

By knowing she has control of her thoughts, choosing how to hear messages and intentionally choosing not to take things personally in the meeting but focus on the content, Sandra lessened the emotional charge going into the meeting.

When Sandra chooses her thoughts, she feels her confidence soar!

I reminded Sandra that feeling confident in a meeting isn't about what someone else says or thinks. Sandra smiled and nodded. She's been reading Mastering Confidence. I know, she said, it's what I believe.

How confident you FEEL starts with what you BELIEVE.

What you believe about yourself is what matters most. I asked Sandra:

Do YOU believe you can learn?
Do YOU believe you can grow and develop?
Do YOU believe you have the potential to be an extraordinary leader?

She wholeheartedly answered yes to each of the questions.
I reminded Sandra that if she believes those things, the tone with which her boss shares those messages in that meeting is less relevant than the content and what she chooses to hear, believe and take action on.

Creating an If/Then Plan for Composure

Preparing for Triggers: Sandra's If/Then Strategy

While feeling more confident, Sandra was still worried about being triggered and losing composure in the meeting. Sandra wanted to prepare to stay composed in her talk with her ED. She'd recently reviewed the webinar: How to Prepare for a Tough Talk so you can handle it with integrity in The Training Library. She'd learned the power of being prepared for getting triggered with If/Then plans. She asked if I could help her prepare an If/Then plan in case she got triggered.

Sandra already knew what kind of comments might trigger her and cause her to lose her composure.

If they call me emotional, I know it will make me feel like crying right there in the meeting. I'll feel threatened, vulnerable and insecure.

We prepared her If/Then plan and she practiced saying her response.

IF she calls me emotional, THEN I will take a slow, deep breath, even if she's waiting for me to respond. After a deep breath, I'll say:
- My emotions are powerful guides to my work, and I am working on maintaining my composure and managing my emotions. Thanks for reminding me that I still have work to do!

Now, the knots have turned to butterflies

Sandra was still nervous but felt way more confident and in control of her responses! She messaged me later and said the meeting was still hard, but she left feeling in control of herself, her responses and her future.

What's Next? Taking Charge of Your Leadership Journey

Will you do what Sandra did?
If you want to ditch the knot in your stomach before your next uncomfortable meeting, then you need to get ahold of your thoughts and emotions before you go into the meeting. You need to create a mindset that allows you to take back power, your personal power. That way, you will be able to respond in a way that makes you feel empowered, and you'll be able to handle your meeting more confidently, too!

❗️❗️VERY IMPORTANT NOTE❗️❗️
I am not condoning bullying or harassing behaviour.

If that happens, you must decide how to address it, find mental health support, and/or change jobs. There is no one-size-fits-all plan for how you will deal with it. Just know that you have options if your workplace is not psychologically safe.

Check your policy manual for direction on what to do within your organization.

Online resources

You may also find these podcast episodes helpful.

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