Be in Emotional Control: How to increase your Emotional Intelligence

As a nonprofit woman leader, do you sometimes find that your emotions sneak up on you suddenly, and you are afraid of losing it? 

• The tears threaten to leak out 😭
• The anger boils over before you can control it😤
• Or perhaps, you just shut down🙈

You are not alone. Many women have been hijacked by their emotions.
As a result, they keep trying to shut off their emotions, leave them out of a conversation or ignore them.....

💁🏼‍♀️But here's the thing: it's not about having emotions. It's about being able to be in control of your emotions!

• Developing emotional intelligence is crucial.
• You need to learn to recognize your emotions and then manage them effectively.

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Become aware of and then manage your emotions
Emotionally intelligent managers kick butt over their unaware peers. These aware leaders not only know what their emotions are, but they can manage their emotions. 

• That means they are IN CONTROL of how they feel versus their feelings being in control of them. 

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Emotional Intelligence enhances leadership effectiveness
Leaders high in emotional intelligence rarely allow their thoughts to hijack them. Emotionally intelligent leaders don't lose their composure when someone says something that sparks their anger or annoyance. A leader in control of their internal state will be aware that they are irritated but can catch themselves before rolling their eyes 🙄 sighing, or making a sarcastic comment.


How do you learn this?
Individuals that have high EI are incredibly aware. 

• They know what triggers them. 
• They can identify thoughts and feelings.
• They name them.

To learn to be more emotionally intelligent, you need to become aware of what's happening inside your mind and body.
👉🏻 You need to become aware of your thoughts and feelings!


​Two Steps to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
Step 1 – Recognize emotions
Step 2 – Manage emotions


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Let's break it down further to see how it happens.

🟦 Antecedent - An event happens

• Someone says something that challenges your ideas
• You receive an email with a critical tone
• The phone rings, and you see the caller ID of a difficult colleague

🟦 Thought - You have a thought about that event

• That was rude and disrespectful 😡
• I don't want to deal with this right now 😩
• Oh, here we go again, more unnecessary drama🙄

🟦 Feeling - You then experience an emotion

• Hurt and offended
• Anxious and overwhelmed
• Irritated and frustrated

When you increase your emotional intelligence, you learn to gain control over your thoughts to regulate your emotions and subsequent behaviour. You learn to respond rather than react unconsciously.


​Do you know what your thought was?
It's crucial to explore your thoughts in more depth and understand what's going on there. 💥Your thoughts dictate your emotions. The goal is to become aware of the thought and be able to change it if necessary.


⏸️ PAUSE so you can get clear on your thoughts
You need to PAUSE and slow down time to understand your thoughts better. You must widen the gap between the stimulus and the consequential feeling. It's like putting a magnifying glass on the event and your emotion to see if you can identify the thought between the event and the emotion.


​🤔 PONDER - It's time for self-reflection
Gaining awareness of what is happening in that gap requires intentional thinking. You must create a routine that prompts you to reflect daily on that space between what happened and how you reacted.

• Reflection is the PONDER step of The Inner Guidance Cycle, which helps you to gain access to the inner wisdom that will help you manage your emotions. 

Spending time journaling or completing self-reflective exercises is one of the best ways to achieve this slow-motion replay effect.

• Set aside 10 minutes daily to let your thoughts and emotions flow on paper.

Doing so will give you more insights into what is truly going on within you. Remember, your journaling should be judgment-free. Allow your pen to flow freely. Reaching that uninhibited state will take time and practice, but it's worth the effort.


The 6 tricks to rewarding reflective journaling

1️⃣ Set aside 10 minutes every day to journal, preferably at the same time every day.

2️⃣ Eliminate distractions. Put your phone on the other side of the room. Shut your door.

3️⃣ Choose a particular event or situation you are ruminating about. 

4️⃣ Write freely for the first ¾ of your time. Note the event and what happened, and your emotions. Add in the things they said or did that irritated you. Note who else was involved. 

5️⃣ In the latter ¼ of your time, allow yourself to write about the thoughts that led to the emotion. Answer the question: "What did I think about this person, event, or circumstance?"

6️⃣ Use journal prompts such as these:

• This happened….
• I said this in my head about it….
• ​As a result, the emotion I felt was…

Do the work - Make the effort
Working on this first step of bringing awareness to your emotions and feelings can be challenging. It's not something that comes naturally to us. At first, it may feel strange and awkward. However, by doing this work, you will automatically become more aware of what's happening inside you, allowing you to regain control and manage your feelings and responses to people and events. Remember, it takes time, so be patient with yourself. The effort and commitment will be worth it.
 
p.s. What if your emotions were a gift, a blessing or even an edge in leadership? Learn how to use your emotions to your benefit in the Emotional Control course.