Understanding and honouring your values is crucial to a leader with authenticity and integrity. As a non-profit leader, your values serve as the guiding principles that shape your decisions, actions and the overall direction of your organization. 

Here are some examples of how your values may clash with others, get in the way of your work or cause you to feel inner turmoil.


Potential values clash:

When hiring new staff: 
Your values of diversity, inclusivity and fairness may rub up against your value of efficiency when the diverse hire has less experience and will take more upfront work to become an efficient worker. You'll have to decide which way to lean, knowing one of your values will need to be deprioritized, which makes you feel icky. 


Fundraising events
Perhaps in your organization, the typical fundraising event includes alcohol. However, you have strong values around addictions and supporting those with addictions and minimizing alcohol at social events. Now you need to communicate that to your board, which heavily relies on this event for program funding. 


Program Development
You value well-thought-out decisions and take time to think critically about the risks, steps and impact. However, others on your team are frustrated with your need to pick apart everything and want to move the decision-making process along more quickly. These differences are creating tension. 


Conflict Resolution
Maybe your open communication, respect, and fairness values guide your approach to conflict. Others, who are uncomfortable with conflict, see your approach as aggressive, and they become defensive or shut down. Now the tension is building rather than diminishing. 


Organizational Culture
You may value trust, teamwork, and personal growth and want to focus on those elements to foster a positive and inclusive work environment. And, there is no time. You are short-staffed, find yourself running from meeting to meeting and struggle to find the time to connect in a meaningful way with your team embers. 

In each scenario, taking the time to reflect on your values can help you make decisions and take authentic, aligned, and impactful actions for yourself, your team, the organization and the communities you serve. But only if you are self-aware and take time for self-reflection. 


Values identification is an ongoing process
Your values and what they mean to you change over time. Understanding how your values fit into your life and how you define them will also evolve. Therefore identifying your values is not an exercise completed once in your life. Instead, you must return to your values and review them regularly. 

Verifying your values is more than a sit down once; power through and figure it out exercise. It also needs time, energy and curiosity. The work will be reflective, thinking and pondering. It will be emotional work as you explore memories and possible scenarios. 

You won't fully understand your values in one chunk of time but over time. So come back to the process of verifying your values again and again. Each time you do, you will deepen your understanding of what your values really mean to you and why they are so important. ​

🟡 Step # 1 - Identify Your Values
There are no right or wrong values. Remember, they change, and how you define them may change. Also, this is the first glance. You will be going deeper, so how you name and describe your values may change as you do that. 

🟪 Review the list of value words found here

• Circle all the value words that have meaning for you, jump out at you or trigger you.
• Group values that seem to go together. You might come up with another name for this group. For example, love, generosity, compassion and patience, you may call kindness.
• Identify your top 10 values. Keep this list. 
• Narrow it down to 2-3 core values.

To confirm that you have nailed your values, look for an emotional connection.

• Do you get angry when that value is stepped on, disrespected or overlooked? 
• When you spend time connected to that value, do you feel a warm glow, content, joyful or enthusiastic?

Reminders about identifying your values

• There are no right or wrong values. 
• Values will and how you define them may change. 
• Subsequent exercises will allow you to deepen your understanding of each value.
• You can change which ones are top values, what you call them, and how you define them. 

🟡 Step # 2 - Define what they mean to you

Now it's time to take a deeper look at your values. Those words you circled are just that, words. But what do those words mean to you? Consider these questions: 

• Why is that value so important in your life? 
• Who are you when you honour that value? 
• Where do you struggle to put that value at the top of your priority list in life?

Sometimes we are unconsciously using values to guide us, but it may cause more trouble in our lives if we don't begin to explore them consciously. By exploring what the value means to you, you'll see how to use it to guide your leadership and life more clearly. 


An example of how values show up
​For example, you may know that it is important for you to keep the peace. You value cooperation and collaboration. So despite differences on a team, you have a habit of smoothing things over. 

Over time you may notice your underlying irritation building with one team member as you work together on a project. You keep trying to collaborate, cooperate and keep the peace but feel frustrated each time you walk away from that conversation.

This agitation may be because your value of harmony keeps you from addressing a conflict with that peer. But now, that conflict has morphed, and you feel anything but harmonious!

Maybe you come from a long family of fighters. Yelling matches at the supper table was the norm. Over the years, you became the peacemaker working to create harmony wherever you could.

Now that pattern of behaviour is showing up at work. And it's not always helpful. What's more, you don't even realize how that one word that means so much to you, harmony is actually what is causing you grief! Until you unpack what harmony really means to you NOW, you won't be able to use it effectively to live.

You don't have to go to counselling or therapy to move forward. Although, please, if you need it, get help. There is nothing shameful about resolving your unresolved childhood or adulthood stuff! The bottom line is that you need to become more aware of how that value creates belief and ways of engaging now and consciously decide what you want to do about it. 


The verification process
You must explore different facets of your values to help you flesh out what you mean. Remember, this is exploratory work, reflective work and emotional work. As you explore your values, here are some questions to consider: 

• What does it feel like when I honour that value?
• What emotions do I have when I have drifted away from living in tune with that value?
• How do I use my resources (time, energy, money) to express that value?

🟡 Steps # 3 - 5
● Determine how your values show up in your life
● Create a system for knowing if you align with your values or are off-kilter
● Rinse and repeat

Determining how your values show up in your leadership and life and creating a system for knowing if you align with them or are off-kilter takes more time and intentional self-reflection. Stay with it, and over time you'll become clearer and find your values are guiding you more and more. 


🆘 Extra help to verify your values 
In Values Verification, I walk students through exercises to identify their values and create a working definition of what that value or word group of values means to them. We explore how you use your resources to express your values (i.e. time, money and energy) and how to live and lead aligned with values. The course is one of many courses in The Training Library membership site.


Do the inner work and use your values as your guide
Values are the glue that holds us together, the things that we hang our decisions on, the place that we get furious when they aren't upheld and the thing that makes us feel at peace and content when they are really honoured. But again, values are not simply a word. Instead, values are deep-held beliefs etched into our lives over time and through events. ​

Do you often struggle to get everything completed on your to-do list? Unfortunately, there is always too much to do, and many nonprofit leaders, perhaps you included, feel overwhelmed, overworked and overextended.

NOT HELPFUL: Just learn to manage your time better
Most of us blame this on our workloads, jam-packed calendars and the crazy amounts of external stimuli around us. There's always another meeting to attend. Something is always being added to our to-do list, and the notifications keep reminding us that we have another message, email, or request.

How on Earth is anyone supposed to get anything done with all of that going on?

The solution to this always comes back to being better at prioritizing and time management. And while these are essential strategies and tools to learn, there's an underlying reason why they are often less than effective. In truth, prioritizing and time management can help, but they may not be enough!


HELPFUL: Learn to manage your emotions that are sabotaging your productivity.
In truth, it's our thoughts that slow us down. Our mental chatter 🤯 often encourages us to procrastinate and distracts us from what matters most. Our thoughts keep us distracted!!!

The word "distracted" has its origins in the Latin word "distractus," which means "drawn apart" or "divided."

For most of us, this means being unable to pay attention to the task at hand, focus on what we should be doing or concentrate on the job in front of us. As a result, we feel divided and wish we could clone ourselves to get more done!

Perhaps we need to become inDISTRACTable, as Nir Eyal advocates in his book "InDISTRACTable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life."

Eyal explains that being "distracted" is not just a product of external factors but also internal factors such as our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.


Becoming inDISTRACTable

Eyal defines distraction as "the action of derailing attention from what we intend to do" and argues that becoming "indistractable" requires understanding why we become distracted in the first place. 

Eyal identifies four primary triggers of distraction: 

1. Internal triggers - such as boredom, anxiety, or stress
2. External triggers - such as notifications or alerts
3. Traction - the opposite of distraction, when we are fully engaged in an activity. If you are deep into a conversation with someone, you've got traction there, and it may be keeping you from another task.
4. Distraction by deception - when we deceive ourselves into thinking we are being productive when we are actually engaging in unimportant or irrelevant tasks. Think about how often we do this when we repeatedly clean our inboxes! This is similar to the busy work we need to stop doing, according to Eisenhower's time management matrix

It's time to gain some TRACTION
I want to focus on the words traction and distraction to help you become more aware of how your thoughts are getting in the way of your productivity. Consider how Eyal describes the difference here:

The Opposite of Distraction is Traction.

• A distraction is something we do that moves us away from what we really want.
• Traction is an action that moves us towards what we really want.

The difference seems obvious, but distraction has a sneaky way of tricking us.


Gaining traction with your leadership tasks
We can apply this concept to daily tasks like supervision meetings, strategic thinking, and building relationships with our board of directors.


Supervision meetings
Consider your responsibility for regular 1-1 supervision meetings with your staff. If you had traction, you would do this regularly and be up to date on them all. 

But when you are distracted, they linger on your to-do list or, as one of my clients said, they become a sticky note that gets moved from week to week in her agenda. 


Strategic thinking
I'm not talking about the annual strategic meeting where you put things into some formal document. Instead, I mean thinking strategically about how you're going to approach current challenges where you create a plan to deal with that difficult employee, the budget cuts that are looming or what to do with staff turnover in one particular program. These challenges get lodged in the back of your head and keep you up at night. 

If you have traction on this, you will have regular time in your calendar to think. But being distracted means it never happens intentionally. Instead, you just pray something good will come to you in the shower!


Board relationships
Effective leaders work closely with their board of directors, including attending meetings, providing regular reports, and seeking input on key decisions. But I know a lot of leaders who mean to develop stronger relationships with their boards but run out of time, are distracted, and continually push it down on the to-do list.

They need more traction on the relationship-building piece but only realize this when sometimes, it's almost too late, and the board is ready to implode!

You must identify what thoughts, beliefs and emotions are distracting you
If you:

• need to catch up on one-to-one supervision meetings
• need more time to think strategically
• could benefit from prioritizing building relationships with your board

You may need to look at what is distracting you from those tasks.

I know you're short on time, and the list of to-dos is long.
⭐️ But the reason you aren't getting these things done is deeper than that.

Here's what might be going on for you
Since, as Eyal says, you can't call it distraction unless you know what you're being distracted from, let's look at what distracts you from the above list. 
I believe it's the emotional connection to that task.

At that one-to-one supervision, you know you need to address how they regularly come to work late, and you don't want to do that.

• You may value peace and harmony and dislike confrontation.
  
  

Thinking strategically might create more work for you, and Lord knows you do not need more work.

• You may believe that if you work harder, it will all work out.
  
  

Having time with the board will require you to meet with that person, and you know that person, the one who irritates you, triggers you and makes you react in ways you're not always proud of.

• You may feel anxious because you know you will feel disrespected in a conversation like that.

Get clear on what the emotional connection is
If you struggle to get things done, it's time to look at what is distracting you. The emotional connection to a task may be what's holding you back.

• It's the thoughts that get in your way of getting those things done, not the lack of time or other responsibilities you have.
• It's what you believe.
• It's what you value.
• The emotions you have attached to that thing that you should be doing distract you from it.

Work through the Inner Guidance Cycle to identify what is going on 

How do you deal with emotional distractions?
You work through The Inner Guidance Cycle!

You PAUSE and do self-reflective exercises. 

You take time to PONDER, exploring those thoughts and beliefs and the connection they have to what's on your to-do list.

When you ask yourself what am I being distracted from, go deeper than the task you see at the surface level. Ask yourself:

• What emotions does this task bring up for me? 
• What values come into play here. 
• Am I aligned with my values?
• What's the story assumption or expectation that I have that might be getting in the way?

When you explore these thoughts, feelings, emotions and triggers, you'll figure out why you've been avoiding them. That's PIVOTing your perspective.

That shift in thinking helps you to take the action that moves and allows you to gain traction and do what you know you should do, aka PROCEEDing.


Unpacking thoughts, emotions, and beliefs in action

Listen to this podcast if you want to hear a beautiful example of this in real life. Brene Brown is being walked through the Immunity to Change Model by Lisa Leahy.

In the episode, Brene discovers her blind spots and hidden biases that she wasn't aware of until she went deeper.

Immunity to Change Podcast, Part 1 of 2
Immunity to Change, Podcast Part 2 of 2


Do the inner work to become more productive
It is absolutely true that we all have too much to do and will never get it all done. We must learn time management strategies and be excellent at prioritizing. ⭐️ But to go along with that, we also need to learn to manage what's happening in our heads. 

PAUSE to do the inner work.

PONDER and explore what's going on inside your head

When you do, you'll find shifts in your perspective, allowing you to PIVOT

Then you can PROCEED with courage doing what you know you need to do most.

Learn more about The Inner Guidance Cycle here.

As a nonprofit leader, you've probably struggled with your emotions during a meeting. And, you know that feeling of being about to lose your composure is not fun! I've been there too, and it sucks!

When we are out of control, we are often reacting to what's going on:

• The tears are ready to come, and it is soooo NOT the time to cry.
• A sarcastic comment slips out, and we didn't mean it.
• We bite someone's head off and then regret it.
• Our voice quivers, telling the world how nervous we are.
• That swear word just tumbled out when it shouldn't have!

 
All of these are examples of losing control. In these situations, we feel powerless to hold onto our feelings and behaviours. We simply react.


Are You Playing the Blame Game?
Many of us blame that reaction on other people around us or the situation. Those darn Kleenex commercials always make me cry. My daughter tells me it's my fault that she cries. If I cry, it makes her cry.
 
We do the same in business settings.

• If she hadn't said that, then I wouldn't feel this.
• If we weren't so stretched, then I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
• If it weren't for the economy, the weather, the crappy office space, then…I wouldn't be…

 

We Give Our Power Away
When we hand our thoughts and feelings to other people or the bigger "world," we give our power away. So, in essence, you are saying. I am not in control of my emotions, or I am not in control of the way I act. 
It's that belief that makes you feel powerless. 
When you feel powerless, you certainly don't feel confident!


Who's fault is it?
It's not anyone's fault, but we look to lay blame somewhere. Really, is it the rain's fault that you feel sad? No. Nor is it your boss's fault that you feel overwhelmed. And it's not the employee's fault for questioning something in a staff meeting. I know it sure feels like it. But hear me out for a moment.
 
Regain Your Sense of Control
When you gain access to what is going on inside of you, you can regain your sense of control and power.

We can see rain as a pain in the butt or a blessing. We can enjoy the sprinkles as we take out our umbrellas or grumble and groan at how it's wrecking our plans. It's up to us how we see it. In the same way, when we do self-reflective work, we can begin to feel grateful for the disgruntled staff member. They are growing our conflict resolution.


Take Back Your Power With This Tool

​Here is the tool to gain back that control and increase your confidence. Using the Inner Guidance Cycle, you can shift from giving your control away to taking your power back.
 
There are 4 steps to the Inner Guidance Cycle: Pause, Ponder, Pivot and Proceed.

• PAUSE – Stop what you are doing
• PONDER – Tune into what's going on inside of you and reflect on why it's happening
• PIVOT – Shift how you see things and how you are experiencing the situation, thus taking back control
• PROCEED – Move back into action.

 
Let's use the example from above to see the Inner Guidance Cycle in action.


🛠 The Tool: The Inner Guidance Cycle in Action

PAUSE: Stop and take a deep breath.

When your boss hands you another task, and you begin to feel overwhelmed, then PAUSE. Often, our first reaction is to direct frustration and anger at our boss. That gives power to them. They are in control of how you feel if you let them be.

When a team member asks a pointed question at the staff meeting, you may feel triggered and put on the spot. You know they said it to make you look bad. Your automatic reactionary response is to lash back at them. Before you react, pause!

Take a deep breath and begin to tune into yourself.



PONDER: Reflect on what is going on inside of you.
Take time to check your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. These are the parts of your Inner Guidance System. Just like a compass, they can guide you. Take time to PONDER and reflect. They help you identify your triggers.


1️⃣ Thoughts:
Do you think your boss is a jerk? Perhaps you are wondering how you will ever be able to handle the workload. You might be thinking that you have to do it immediately. But, on the other hand, you could be telling yourself how unfair this is.

Do you believe this employee is trying to get you fired? Do you want to squash them, quiet them or put them in their place? Just notice the thoughts. 
 
2️⃣ Feelings:
Are you experiencing a sense of overwhelm? Anger? Frustration? Despair? Incompetence?
 
3️⃣ Body Sensations:
These are often the clues that tell you what you are feeling. They help you become smarter about emotions and better able to name and tame them in the future.
For example:

• Is your heart racing?
• Did your face turn red?
• Is your stomach in knots? 
• Are you clenching your fists?
• Are you feeling that tension headache coming on? 

Consider what feeling that body sensation is connected to.

Start to reflect on what set you off. You're still PONDERING at this stage.
 

🤔 What was the trigger?
Take time to consider what caused you to react strongly and quickly.

• Was it that the boss gave you this project or how they gave it to you?
• Was it the timing?
• Did it bother you because it's really someone else's responsibility? 
• Are you anxious because you don't know how to do it? 
• Has that triggered a feeling of incompetence?

When a team member asks you a question at the staff meeting, and you immediately feel your composure slipping, consider the trigger.

• Did you feel like they were trying to take over?
• Do you suddenly feel put on the spot and unprepared?
• Are you feeling incompetent because you don't know the answer?
• Does the question, and the look, seem to suggest that you don't have the team's support?

Example of triggers 
​Our triggers are often around "not enoughness."

• I'm too young/old
• I am not smart enough
• I'm not the right color/gender
• I don't have the right experience
• I haven't been here as long as them

You may also be triggered by 

• Criticism
• Being excluded
• Being disrespected
• Being misunderstood
• Not feeling like you belong
• Sloppiness / untidy / laziness
• When people don't take accountability for their actions
• When you are disregarded/overlooked/invisible

💭 What mistaken beliefs do I have?
"I have to do this now."
Do you really? 

• Do you have to do it all? 
• Do you have to do it in the way it was asked? 
• Can you ask for help? 
• Can you do a portion now and some later? 
• Is there an easier way to get the result that you could suggest back?

 
"I have to do it perfectly."
What does good enough look like? What is the real expectation versus my own "perfectionist" expectations?
 
"I can't say no."

• What would really happen if you said no? 
• What is the worst-case scenario? 
• What parts could you say no to?

"I need to have an answer."

• Do you really need to know the answer?
• Does the answer need to be right now?

 "They are out to get me."

• We both want to enjoy our job and work in a place we like.

💜 What values are not being honoured here?
Perhaps your value of family time is being squashed because you will now have to work late. Maybe you feel that you will have to rush this project or another one now, and that impedes your value of doing good work. Perhaps you are not feeling respected or appreciated.
 
This whole reflection piece in the PONDER stage of the Inner Guidance Cycle serves to awaken new insights. This awareness is what allows you to take back control.

As you sift through all of the stuff inside you, you'll see the mess of thoughts, feelings and body sensations begin to settle, and you'll often be left with a clearer picture. It is that clarity that can make you do a bit of a shift in your thoughts and feelings. That is the PIVOT stage. 



PIVOT: Shifting how you see things
When you see things in a new light, you shift your perspective. PIVOTING allows you to head in a different direction. Perhaps instead of feeling out of control and angry with your boss, you take a deep breath and ask if you can have a moment of their time.


PROCEEDING back into action

When you are proceeding, you are taking your finger off the pause button and PROCEEDING back into motion. You might ask if you can renegotiate the deadline. You might suggest splitting the task between you and another person. You might say no. Any of these actions put you back in control and feel an increase in confidence.

By moving through the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle, Pause, Ponder, Pivot and Proceed, you begin to take back your inner power. Instead of feeling out of control, you begin to regain a sense of power. But this time, it is internal power. 

It isn't your power over the situation or power over another person. Instead, you've found your voice. You've connected to what is truly important and discovered your strength from within. That's the true meaning of being in control. This inner power is your inner confidence.

​To be in control of yourself, do the inner work. Connect to your Inner Guidance System. You'll be glad you did!

We've all been to a nonprofit staff meeting where there are items that shouldn't be on the agenda. And often, it makes for a painful and long-drawn-out meeting. We wonder to ourselves or text our colleagues, "Why are we even talking about this?"

Often that's because nonprofit leaders haven't learned what belongs on a staff meeting agenda. Without training on how to run a staff meeting, we are left to follow what our predecessor did. If they did it for so many meetings, it must be the right way, no?

Not necessarily. 

Learning what goes on your staff meeting agenda will help you feel more confident, competent and in control.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Are your staff meetings effective at doing what you want them to do?
2. Does your team find them valuable?
3. Do they grow your team?
4. Are your staff meetings 
   1. engaging
   2. collaborative
   3. productive
   4. worthwhile?

If the answer or answers are no, you may want to rework how you run them. 

Let's start first with what's on your staff meeting agenda.

Your staff meeting agenda should be prepared and provided to those who will be in attendance several days before the meeting. They need to know what to expect. Therefore, they may need to prepare. Additionally, if you are running an engaging and collaborative meeting, your team members may have items to add to the agenda. 

So what should go on a staff meeting agenda? Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself when you prepare for your next staff meeting 


Does this belong on your nonprofit team staff meeting agenda?

1) Does everyone need to know it and discuss it?
If it is an item that only certain people need to discuss, either put it on a different meeting agenda or put it at the end of their agenda so that those people who the topic is not relevant for can leave early 

2) Can it be done as an email update?
If you were providing information, an email update might be fine. If you need a discussion around something, you may want to give the email update first so that people have time to prepare before the meeting. It's important to be clear on the agenda item what the agenda item is. It's not information sharing. 

Instead, the agenda item becomes

• A decision to be made on A or B
• Feedback is requested on X. 
  • What's working and what isn't?
  • What can be improved?

3) Is it the right time?
Often we start talking about things before we have all the information, knowledge or information, and it can create anxieties, tension and confusion. Or we talk about things that aren't yet resolved, and really people shouldn't be privy to yet. 
Be cautious and trust your gut when you ask yourself, "Is it the right time to talk about this at this meeting?" Your intuition will know best. 

4) What is the point of sharing it?
Are you sharing information because it's something employees need to know, because it will help them somehow or because they need to prepare for it? If you can't figure out the point is for sharing it, don't share it. 

If you do know the point, be clear on what the point is. Please don't assume that everyone knows why you're sharing it.

5) Is everyone there that needs to be included to discuss this item?
It's annoying to have a discussion that can't be resolved because the key stakeholder isn't at the meeting. When this happens, we often go around and around, but no one can make a decision or answer a question because the person with that power, authority or knowledge isn't at the meeting. 

Be sure the key players are at the meeting for that particular item if you put it on the agenda.  

6) Do we have time for that discussion?
Some discussions take time. When an agenda is crammed full, and we throw a topic in there and expect to brush over it, that often causes frustration for the people in attendance. They won't have time to explore, ask questions, provide suggestions and dig deeper. 

Brainstorming, for example, cannot be done well in three minutes. If an agenda item needs more time, create a separate meeting for it.

7) Is this the most efficient use of our time?
Pulling a team together is costly and takes significant organizational time and resources. So make sure you're using that time and those resources wisely.

8) If this is a sensitive conversation, is it the right time to discuss it?
Even though some topics are relevant for everyone, sometimes those conversations are difficult. It's not always the right time to discuss them. That may have to do with what's going on organizationally, in the world, or someone's family. Remember to be sensitive about the topic you put on your agenda. 

9) Consider the urgency of the matter.
Even though everything may be relevant to the agenda, that doesn't mean it needs to go on the agenda. If it's not an urgent topic and the agenda is already full, hold onto that topic for a future meeting. Give time and attention to the most pressing things, not just for you in the organization but also for your employees. 

10) Is this the right place for this agenda item?
Lastly, once you've decided that it does go on the agenda, be considerate of where you place it on the agenda. 

Things that need more discussion and focus should be done earlier on. 
Additionally, things that need more composure for a difficult conversation should be done earlier. 

You want to end on a positive, uplifting note. Therefore ensure the last item will make people feel good as they leave the meeting. 

Running an effective and engaging staff meeting is much easier when you are more conscious and intentional about creating your staff meeting agenda. 

DO THIS:
1) Schedule a few minutes into your calendar to prepare your agenda.
2) Consider what belongs on your agenda, running potential items through the above list of questions.
3) Feel confident, capable and in control as you run your next team meeting. 

Preparing is one of the first steps to feeling more confident running a staff meeting. When you prepare your staff meeting with intention, you will feel more confident, and your team will find it much more valuable and engaging. ​

Are you scared of someone on your board? Maybe not scared. Perhaps they make you very uncomfortable, or for whatever reason, there's tension.

Keep reading. I've got some help coming your way!

Brenda's Board Challenge
In a recent call, Brenda asked for coaching on an upcoming board meeting. Brenda told me that she hated board meetings because one of the board members was nasty to Brenda when she did Brenda's performance appraisal ten years ago. Brenda still remembers she felt attacked by that board member. 

Since then, Brenda doesn't trust the board member and indicates they have a tenuous relationship. Brenda struggles to work with this board member effectively.

Brenda got some coaching
In our coaching conversation, I asked her about that performance appraisal. Brenda indicated the issue on that performance appraisal was something that she wished she'd handled differently. She realized now that she has grown a lot since then.

Brenda accesses her inner wisdom
By utilizing The Inner Guidance Cycle, by coming to coaching to PAUSE and then PONDER, Brenda realized her thoughts were full of an old storyline. 

• Brenda had an old belief: The board member doesn't think I'm competent. 
• Brenda's perspective was: The board member doesn't like me. 
• Brenda's judgement was: I don't trust the board member. 

Brenda also became more aware of her body sensations. Brenda would tense up any time she had to engage with this board member.

Brenda realized she was feeling incompetent and lacked confidence every time she had to talk to that person. 

In the PONDER step of the Inner Guidance System Brenda looked at her thoughts, feelings and body sensations as indicators of what was going on, Brenda increased her self-awareness. 

Brenda's new awareness was that she'd been holding onto old hurts, old stories, and past conflict. Brenda realized that she had not allowed her relationship with her board member to grow and move past that incident 10 years ago.

Brenda found new perspectives
Once Brenda identified the old patterns of thoughts and feelings, we started looking at different perspectives, and Brenda was able to PIVOT 

• I have a lot more skills than I did back then. 
• I am quite capable, competent and effective at my job. 
• I learned a lot from my past mistakes and often handle the situation differently and more effectively now.

Brenda felt lighter and more confident
By the end of our coaching call, Brenda was ready to PROCEED. She had a new mindset around this particular board member.

• Brenda and I prepared talking points so she could go bravely into a conversation about the current challenge feeling increased confidence and certainly lighter without all of that old baggage.

Your turn: Do you avoid someone on your board?
If you've ever avoided board conversations or have a challenging member, you are not alone. My guest on this week's podcast, Heather Terrence, says we all know boards can be a little bit sticky. 

That doesn't mean you should avoid some of those more challenging members or those difficult conversations. In fact, you must address tough conversations!

As Heather says in our podcast, it's your job to liaise between the organization and the board, and thus it's your job to address difficult conversations.

Help to have those Brave Board Conversations!
You can learn more about strategies that Heather suggests to have Brave Board Conversations in this week's podcast. You'll also find that Heather shares a link to her board governance checklist. If you want support with your board, certainly check out the services that Heather offers here.

If you want help working through The Inner Guidance Cycle with a current challenge, review the steps of the Inner Guidance Cycle here. For coaching to help you move through the steps, book a call here.

Let it go!
Stop carrying around all that old hurt, pain and frustration! It's not helping you enjoy impactful leadership...nor is it helping you be the best leader you can be! As someone famous says....Let it go!!

Have you ever avoided a tough conversation, that you know you should have? 

We all have. Unfortunately, when we don't deal with them, they tend to fester and problems get worse.

Keep reading to learn how to create a plan to get you through "that" conversation in a way that feels authentic and confident!

​Let me start with a story:
I have a decision to make today…..ok…let me rephrase that. I’ve made a decision, now I need to communicate it to someone, and I’m not looking forward to it. 

• I think she’s going to take it the wrong way. 
• It makes me feel like a big meanie.
• I have the urge to put it off another week and see if things will fix themselves.
• Yet, it’s important that I focus on sharing the message authentically and clearly so that I can move on, and so can she. 

Not communicating a decision already made is taking up brainpower, emotional energy and time. I need a plan of how to communicate it and still feel I’ve been honest and genuine.

❓️Can you relate❓️
Do you have a conversation you need to have with someone and are dreading it? 😩

Having tough conversations takes discipline.
You need the self-control to do it, even when your inner self is screaming: 

• Are you nuts? 
• This is not going to be pretty! 
• You’re going to get your head bit off! 
• They will take it totally the wrong way! 
• Why don’t you just let someone else deal with it? 
• Maybe it will just go away. Just avoid them for a few days!

Your inner voice keeps you small!
To shush that nattering voice that keeps you lacking the courage to deal with the thing with integrity you need willpower.

Willpower is that inner will that will tell all that negativity to be quiet so you can awaken that courageous you that is hiding quietly in the background. 

Having a tough conversation takes willpower!
And here’s the truth: You need to strengthen your willpower so you can handle that tough conversation and get done what matters most!💪

Here's how willpower & tough conversations fit together
Let look at the components of willpower as they relate to difficult conversations. Willpower is the ability to:
      💥manage your thoughts.
      💥manage your emotions.
      💥resist urges and distractions
      💥focus on what matters most!

Imagine being a leader who can keep your thoughts and emotions in check and handle a tough conversation with courage, confidence and integrity!!!🙌

Let's back up a moment
Imagine the next tough talk that you have coming up.

• What makes it a tough talk? 🤔
• What is it about that conversation that makes you feel queasy, nervous, angry, or worried? ✍️
• Why is it that you want to cancel it, are dreading it or considering calling in sick that day? ✍️

My guess is several things could come into play.

• That tough conversation maybe with someone who has a strong personality
• Perhaps you’ve clashed in the past with this individual
• Maybe you’re worried that they’re going to be sensitive to the information you share

Now, let's look at how your willpower, or lack of willpower may come into play. When you think about how you define it as a tough conversation, consider:
     🔹What thoughts come up for you?
     🔹What emotions are connected to those thoughts?
     🔹Where might you allow yourself to be distracted?
     🔹What urges do you have about that meeting?
     🔹What will be important about focusing during that talk?

👉️Thoughts, feelings, resisting urges and distraction and focusing, all of the components of willpower are all going to play a role in that tough conversation. It will be your inner discipline or willpower that will help you stay engaged in a conversation when you don’t feel like it; 

You need a plan!!!! 👇️Here's how:
The best way to stay authentically and courageously in that uncomfortable conversation is to pre-plan. You need to know ahead of time:

• What unhelpful thoughts are unconscious in your mind 
  • i.e. They don’t like me! I’m not skilled at confrontation.
• What emotions are triggered by those thoughts 
  • i.e. inferiority, doubt, fear
• What urges may emerge as a result? 
  • i.e.the urge to shut down, tune them out, get defensive or conform, please or condone their behaviour.
• And what you are going to do about all of that so that you can focus on what matters most in that tough talk:
  • To keep your thoughts positive, optimistic and keep that inner dialogue reminding you that you are capable, courageous and confident.
  • To focus on having the emotional intelligence to manage your emotions.
  • To focus on keeping unhelpful distractions and urges at bay
  • To focus on your relationship, the goals for your organization, this person, as a person

You, my dear, need to have a plan to use your willpower wisely.

✏️Here’s your homework.
Identify the next difficult, tough or challenging conversation you have.

1. Schedule 15 minutes into your calendar to plan for that upcoming talk.
2. During your planning time, identify:
   1. ​The thoughts you have about that conversation
   2. What feelings emerge as a result of those thoughts
   3. What urges you might have that won’t be helpful to move that conversation forward
   4. What you need to do to focus during that tough talk so you can feel confident getting through it.
3. Approach your next conversation knowing even though it still may be tough; you’ll get through it feeling honest, authentic and with your integrity intact! 

🆘Need help?
Members of The Training Library can find this WEBINAR: How to prepare for a tough talk so you can handle it with integrity to help you plan your way to confidence!

​We work in a predominantly female sector
The majority of people that are employed in the non-profit sector are women, so my guess is you work with a lot of them. I'm also going to venture a guess that you find them "emotional" and that those displays of emotions get on your nerves. I'm curious who's driving you crazy today? Your administrative support, your boss or the team lead? Maybe it's the whole dang team!

Your mood today plays a big role!
Here's the thing, how you are feeling, your mood, affects how tolerable you are of their behaviour.

• If you are stressed about an upcoming report that is due and slept poorly because you fought with your spouse last night, you may have zero patience left.
• If instead, you are in a good mood, their sarcastic comment may not trigger you. In fact, you may have compassion for them, knowing they've been struggling with their own issues at home.

It's important to remember, is that your mood impacts how their attitude affects you!

​This is what it can look like instead
Coming from a place of compassion and feeling a bit more patience may allow you to address the issue, rather than the person. I am NOT suggesting you let things slide and allow people to be rude, ignorant and disrespectful.

• But waaaaay back when I taught parenting to families, we taught this golden rule: Address the behaviour, not the child. The child isn't bad. But colouring on the wall is not ok.

Instead of taking their comment personally and biting back, we need to address the issue at hand.

If that's not enough
I get it. This is in some ways only a temporary fix. The reality is that ongoing negativity and moods in the office can turn things toxic pretty darn quickly. Here are a couple of more resources for you.

1. If you are a member of The Training Library, I've just added a webinar replay called Gossiping, Hormones and Backstabbing: Leading in Predominantly Female Teams. You'll find it in the webinar section. If you aren't a member of the Training Library and want this and additional training, join here.
2. The second resource is an invite to check out the work I am doing with my colleague at The Magnetic Workplace. Our focus is helping you move your culture from toxic or tolerable to a Magnetic Workplace.

But always, start with you! Take responsibility for YOUR mood! Trust me that will have a ripple effect!

​Why don't you, or so many women, address these issues?
Before I answer that question, let's look at an example of a woman who is no longer staying quiet about injustices faced by her and other women in the fundraising sector.

Last week Elizabeth LeClair courageously wrote an article for CBC News addressing an issue that had been festering in her heart and mind for years. Read the article here:

• Sexual harassment runs rampant in non-profits — and it's time for our #MeToo moment

Why did Elizabeth come forward now?
What changed? What gave her the courage and confidence to do that?

I don't know. But let me take a guess:
Having the courage to address moral issues can be scary and challenging. We see people have moral courage when something shifts for them.

• We step forward when we develop confidence.
• We take action when we engage in conversation with others and realize it's not just us being affected.
• We take courageous action when we are compelled by our powerful values, morals and ethics.
• We grow, develop and mature when we put the time, energy and focus into developing ourselves from the inside out.

Is there something you have been holding back on addressing?
What needs to shift for you? Do you need to develop more confidence, connect with other supportive people, get clear on what your values, morals and ethics are, spend time on personal development or is there something else?


When will you take action to grow yourself,
so that you can address the issues that's been aggravating far too long?