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Do any of these sound familiar to you:
If you are all too familiar with these phrases and want to change that, keep reading. I am going to show you how to move from just surviving to thriving in both leadership and life! Want to listen to this article instead? Click here to listen to this article  The Surviving to Thriving Continuum Sadly, far too many women leaders like us regularly recite similar lines like "Just get me through today!" Regardless of the version, each of these mantras is a red flag signalling that you might be in survival mode. We've all been there at some point or another. Survival mode becomes a problem when you live there, rather than visit there. There will always be busy times. Leaders are constantly involved in the ebb and flow of new projects, shifts in contractual expectations, and annual cycles of budgets, performance reviews, grant proposals or contract renewals. It's the job. There is no way around it. I am not talking so much about work itself. Instead, I am focusing on your attitude towards the work, how you balance your workload and the impact the work has on you. The effect on you falls on a continuum. Let's first look at opposite ends of the gamut. 😯Survival Mode: Survival mode is characterized by fear. You are always afraid of falling apart, dropping the ball or losing it emotionally. You are barely hanging on, just getting by or just trying to stay alive. In survival mode, it feels like everything is a battle, and you must suffer through it or endure the storm. You have little energy, are negative, cynical or openly apathetic. Perhaps you've found yourself muttering "Whatever!" a little too frequently. Those in survival mode tend to feel isolated and alone. It doesn't feel like anyone cares about you or that you have anyone on your team. It often seems like "they" are out to get you.
This end of the spectrum, survival, is marked by crisis management, putting out fires and only day-to-day sustainability. Lord knows you can't last like this forever. Burnout is knocking on your door. 🌱Thriving Mode: The thriving mode, on the right end of the continuum, is characterized by passion. You are growing and developing and 💜loving it, despite the challenges. To many, it is an adventure with a purpose. You are blooming and flourishing as you learn new things and take on engaging projects. Those in thriving mode tend to feel confident, courageous and resilient. It isn't that people at this end of the continuum don't encounter challenges; the difference is that they are confident they can handle challenges.
This end of the spectrum, thriving, is marked by feelings of being engaged, supported and connected. Leaders in thriving mode feel like they belong to a broader community of support and feel that they are making a positive impact through their work. It's usually not black or white Rarely are any of us entirely at one end of the spectrum. We are likely at some point in between. We ebb and flow daily. Depending on where you are, whom you are interacting with, and the day's agenda, you can shoot from one end of the continuum to the other pretty quickly. As such, most of us sit somewhere along the surviving to thriving continuum, moving around various points in the middle. 🔄The Middle – Coping Mode In the center of the surviving to thriving continuum is what I call coping mode. You are doing more than barely getting by, but you're not feeling so alive that you want to yell from the mountaintops about how much you love your job. Instead, you go to work and have some good days, lots of so-so days and a few insane days. The coping mode can also be thought of as maintaining. You're doing good enough, the best you can or at least less than bad. You exist. Some leaders are bored in the middle. There is no challenge, no pull or drive to fully use your skills and talents. Often it's a sign you have been in the same position for longer than you should have been. I find that in this coping mode, many leaders are tolerating, settling or complying with less than stellar workplace environments, teams, and bosses. Things aren't good, but they are not so bad that you feel urged to rock the boat.
Coping mode runs the range from short-term stability, meaning you could go on like this for a few months, to a way of life. Sadly many women leaders believe, this is just the way it is, and don't think they can change it. So instead of a period before things move one way or the other, leaders stay in coping mode, for most of their careers. Moving from survival to thriving The truth is you can move from surviving to coping to thriving at work and in life. You have a choice. You do not have to stay stuck in your current mode forever. For you to move forward along the continuum, there are three key things you need to do.
Do you want to know where you land on the Surviving to Thriving Continuum? Click here to get the assessment Be gentle but persistent as you develop new habits
This is going to take time and effort. But please don't think you have to do it all alone! I'm on your team. Each week I teach you the daily steps you need to take, and the mindset shifts you need to make so you can increase your competence, feel more confident and THRIVE, in leadership and life!
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Hey my dear, What do these examples have in common with you?
 Have you hit a bump? The truth is, while sometimes things roll along smoothly, we often hit a bump as leaders, and that bump creates a small or a big, mess in our lives.
How are you approaching your bump? How you get through each of those situations, defines the future of your leadership journey. ✅Your style of communication ✅The resources you reach for ✅The strategies you use to grow The type of person and leader you become are shaped by how you approach each bump along the way. Can you learn anything from how we approached our bumps? Each of us approached our bumps in our own ways.
This is how our approaches shaped us. Do they sound outcomes you want? How each of us approached our bump, has shaped the type of leader we are today.
The question for you today is: What’s your current bump and what’s your approach to dealing with it?
⚠️Leadership is a hard journey⚠️ I don’t want you to go through it alone, in fact... You should NOT have to go through leadership feeling alone and isolated! ❣️You should have friends, mentors, resources and coaches! ❣️You should have a shoulder to cry on and someone to kick your butt into gear when you need to take responsibility for the change. Don't do this! I've coached and mentored hundreds of women and what I see often is this:
Struggle and doubt are part of the leadership journey. Leadership will have tough days. Period. There will be many amazing, insightful, exciting and enjoyable days too. But there will be tough days. It’s how you deal with the tough days, that will shape your leadership character! Create your pit crew: Your pit crew is a list of people that, when you hit a bump, will be there on the side of the road for you!
️DO THIS: Make a list of those people that you can call lean on, or ask for help when you need them.
Hint: It doesn’t need to be a real call. I have on my list, people I’ve taken virtual training with. When I hit a block, I’ll say to myself: What would Simon, Brene, Brian, Joni, Amy, or the Kathy I’m becoming tell me to do? Leadership is full of difficult meetings, tough conversations and challenging moments. But you’ve got this, my dear. You can do this. It just takes a little help from your friends - AKA your pit crew. Kathy 
Here are the two main links: Not yet a member of The Training Library? Find out if it's right for you here. Would you like to feel confident that you will be able to maintain your composure in your next meeting or conversation? If you are like most leaders... You have a tough conversation or meeting coming up.
But what you deeply desire is to feel composed. You want to walk away feeling like you didn’t get your panties in a knot; unruffled and clearheaded.  What gets in the way of that: Unmanaged thoughts and emotions. That’s the bottom line. When you feel flustered in a meeting when your nerves get the better of you, and you feel anything but composed, it’s because your thoughts and emotions have gone crazy. Your thoughts and emotions are in control of you instead of you being in control of them 🥴
I felt that way too! I know, me too! I spent years worried I was not in control. That left me feeling incompetent, afraid and wondering if I was cut out for a leadership role. Over time, I learned how to regain that feeling of being in control. Being in control of my thoughts and emotions gave me the courage, confidence to lead. Let me show you how, so you can lead your amazing team and make the difference your org can make! So, what exactly is composure? Being composed is when you are in control; in control of your thoughts, emotions and behaviour. Being composed is feeling calm, confident and in control! How do you get more composure? You get control of your thoughts and emotions by training your brain, which will help you become Emotionally Intelligent. 🔸Emotional Intelligence is being able to both recognize and manage your thoughts and your emotions. Training your brain, your thoughts and the subsequent emotions requires willpower. Willpower, or lack of it, will either give you a sense of composure or leave you feeling anything but composed in tough conversations. If you want to find yourself feeling calm, confident & in control in your next meeting, learn to develop your strength of will. 🦉Daniel Goleman defines willpower this way: "Willpower is the ability to consciously regulate what you feel and what you do". Think of any strong, competent and composed leader you know, and I bet they can regulate themselves! The good new is you can also learn to regulate you what think, feel and what you do too! If you want to become a more composed leader, grow your willpower! 
Ongoing training to grow women leaders in 🇨🇦 Canada's Nonprofit Organizations. Not a member of The Training Library yet? Join for $19.97 and enjoy a monthly webinar plus a library of courses to support your ongoing personal and professional development that is affordable and easily accessible! Discover the details here What if I told you that your ability to lead with integrity is only as good as the management of your stress? It's true! Consider these questions:
I'm guessing you'd say no to those questions. However, if you are like most leaders self-care, wellness and your health are often put on the side while you put out fires, juggle crisis and focus on just surviving this meeting, just getting through today, or coping with this busy time. Keep reading to learn how you can gain the trust of your team and have them judge you as being a leader with integrity.  Leading with Integrity Remember, the #1 thing people are looking for from their leaders is integrity. They want to know that they can trust their leaders. They want to be able to TRUST YOU!
Stress and Integrity When our bodies are under incredible stress, which is pretty much every leader, our bodies shut down many of their functions. Things like empathy, compassion and strategic thinking go out the window. Stress causes us to have tunnel vision, focusing only on the tiger in front of us and not the tribe around us. Stress causes us to be nearsighted.
Nope. It's not possible. What you will be, instead, is what I was when I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of leadership and not taking care of myself; Bitchy, grumpy, exhausted and anything but motivating, inspiring and in integrity! Do this: Take care of yourself, my dear. You must! To be a great leader, who leads with integrity, you need to get solid sleep, eat healthily, move your body, restore your spirit and learn to use your breath to calm your body, mind and soul. It's when you practice self-care, not just at the end of the day, but throughout your work day, that you'll find you can lead with integrity Living and leading with integrity takes some time and effort on your part. You need to get clear on what you believe, what your values are, and what hill's you'll die on. You'll never do that work to get that clarity when you are just barely getting through your days! 
Ongoing training to grow women leaders in 🇨🇦 Canada's Nonprofit Organizations. Not a member of The Training Library yet? Join for $19.97 and enjoy a monthly webinar plus a library of courses to support your ongoing personal and professional development that is affordable and easily accessible! Discover the details here YOUR QUESTION: Kathy, How do I create work-life balance?
MY ANSWER: You need to focus on BALANCE rather than BALANCING - Learn how below.  We talk about work-life balance as if it's a static thing: BALANCED. But work and life are not static things. They are ever-changing. We need to move with the ebb and flow of work and life, rather than trying to stop the scales of balance dead in the middle. We need to practice BALANCING! Has your balance ever got out of balance like mine? As you know, last week, my newest granddaughter Paisley was born. Subsequently, things in my whole life went out a whack. To be honest, though, I wanted to resist it. I wanted to re-establish static BALANCE, ASAP!
I wasn't in control anymore! Gone was controlling my world, though, especially if I wanted to honour my values.
But here is what I learned last week. Or maybe re-learned. The lesson I learned was during challenging times, to move with the chaos of what is happening, rather than trying to stop everything right in the middle. QUICK PRACTICAL EXERCISE TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "BALANCED" AND "BALANCING": STEP 1: Stand on one foot. Find a point of BALANCED. You can't. You will be moving back and forth if every so slightly BALANCING. STEP 2: Still on one foot, lean to one side. Just a tiny bit at first, then so far that you have to put your foot down else, you'll fall over. STEP 3: Think, what was the "tipping point?" Your core strength matters! Of course, your physical capacity and your core strength will impact how good you are at balancing and when you tip over. The way to get good at BALANCING is to strengthen your muscles, especially those in your core! So it is with balancing work and life. Your nonphysical core Your nonphysical core is knowing and understanding how to honour your values in life. Your core in life is about knowing what keeps you in integrity, who your true supports are and what hills you'll die on. It is also about having your fundamentals of wellness down pat. ****Just a little reminder - to strengthen this core of you, you'll need to do the inner work that I'm always reminding you about! Lesson from the exercise? You'll never be BALANCED, but always BALANCING. Last week, I had to practice BALANCING. In truth, I leaned way over to one side, the family side of my life and I held myself out there for a few days. I reprioritized my schedule.
Leaning too far! But at some point, probably earlier this week, I felt myself leaning too far that way. I felt myself almost tipping over. I'd been there for my daughter and her family. I'd done what was needed but wasn't needed there in that way anymore. And, I'd started to feel the tug of not just work again, but also of my wellness that had got neglected.
Leaning back the other way So earlier this week, I started my lean back the other way. It was a bit wobbly at first. When you jerk too quickly, you tend to fall over also. But as the week has progressed, I've found myself shifting back and forth closer to the centre. I feel in more control of my life. We are always BALANCING This back and forth, though is a constant. Writing proposals, working through accreditation, traveling to training and setting up new offices have all pulled me to the work side of work-life balance, frequently in my career. When I lacked the strength in my core, was when I tipped too far and fell into the void of never-ending work. Too frequently, this was at the cost of my family and health. Now, I know to come back to my core. Its this understanding and this foundational piece that helped me and will help you, continue to be good at BALANCING! p.s. Help strengthen your core! Get really clear on your values and how they show up in your life. Here's some help to get you started, validating what's important to you! 
Ongoing training to grow women leaders in 🇨🇦 Canada's Nonprofit Organizations. Not a member of The Training Library yet? Join for $19.97 and enjoy a monthly webinar plus a library of courses to support your ongoing personal and professional development that is affordable and easily accessible! Discover the details here 3 Ways to connect to your inner world, so you can make a BIG difference in your outer world.18/7/2019 What is the thing you want most to accomplish as a leader? I mean most...not get through your ToDo list, clean out your inbox or have people just do what they are supposed to do. I mean, why are you in this job? Beyond the paycheque, why do you do what you do? Keep reading and find out how you can do that 👆️ more!  Do you want to make a difference? My guess is that it is to make a difference; To change lives; To do purposeful work. I bet that you work in your organization, deal with the politics, handle the immense responsibility, and put out all of the fires that you do because you want to know that somehow, the work you are doing will make the world a better place. I certainly know that's why I am here today emailing you and why I worked so hard with my teams over the years. It's because I know that together we can make the world a better place to live in for the next generation. How would you rate yourself? If that is your "Why" too, how are you doing? On a scale of 1-10 rate, how well you did that yesterday?
How do you feel about your score? Try these:
Are you unhappy with your score? If you are unhappy with your score, my guess is that you've been spending a lot of time chasing tasks, meetings, emails and projects. My guess is you've spent less time on relationships, people and in your inner world. Inner world? Yes, inside of your heart and your head...the part of your head that connects to your heart. You need to spend more time in your inner world Our inner world is our meaning-making system. It's what we use to make sense of the world we live in. Our inner world is comprised of our values, beliefs and morals. It's this inner world that creates our mental models, those assumptions, perspectives and opinions, and what we use to make decisions. Your inner world might be a bit of a mess! When you rarely visit your inner world, it gets overgrown with weeds! What was once a beautifully clear set of values around how you will treat others in life, has been taken over by the weeds of deadlines, checklists and company policies. You are hiding your inner beauty! You, my dear, have a beautiful heart. 💜You are full of love, compassion and fun. But you don't let it shine enough. You hide that part of you in favour of order, control and fear. God forbid you let your guard down, or you will lose control of your day, your people and your world. But in truth, you've already lost control. 😞 When you chase the task part of your world and neglect your people and your relationships with them, you'll never make the difference you want to make. Your ability to control your impact in the world will be lost. Connect to your inner world and to your people and your score will go up! The way to come back to finding a balance between the tasks you are responsible for and the people you are growing is to slow down and connect to your inner world a bit more. When you do, you'll find you naturally find more time to connect to your people and together talk about your united purpose and find more creative, fun and powerful ways to achieve your organizational mission and purpose together. 3 Ways to Connect to Your Inner World So you can make a BIG difference in your outer world.
When you connect more frequently with your inner world, you'll find your outer world more balanced. The tasks you are responsible for are essential. But please don't forget to balance them with the people in your life! If you want even more help to connect to your inner world, so you can make a more significant difference in your outer world, but are looking for a guide in that process? Check out The Training Library for a ton of mini-courses and training sessions to guide you to deeper understand your values, beliefs, emotions, and how to use those to more effectively lead. 
Ongoing training to grow women leaders in 🇨🇦 Canada's Nonprofit Organizations. Not a member of The Training Library yet? Join for $19.97 and enjoy a monthly webinar plus a library of courses to support your ongoing personal and professional development that is affordable and easily accessible! Discover the details here Do you believe you can have a fulfilling career, be committed to it and have a full life? I think many of us ask that question. We strive for it. We ache for it. Yet, there is a tiny little part of us...or a great big part that doesn't believe it's possible. Every time something happens, and we get swamped, have to travel, we get sick or our kids get sick, or....you fill in the blank...and we lose our sense of balance, we are once again wondering: Will I ever truly find work-life balance? Here's the thing, maybe work-life balance is possible, maybe it isn't, but you will never know if you don't try to find it! Are you ready to try? Keep reading to learn how!  The "facts" We do want "it all!"
The stigma Honestly, it often feels like you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't" If you give too much at work, you are judged as not being there for your family. The reverse is true too. Take too much time off, waver about travel or talk too much about your kids and your commitment to the job can be in question. The desire It's true. Countless studies and online forums have women attest to this. In a recent study from the Ontario Nonprofit Network, women identified flexibility as one thing they were looking for because they were struggling with work-life balance. We desire the freedom to have some flexibility so we can juggle everything a bit easier. The truth The demands in social media and the recommendations in reports are clear; organizations need to provide the right culture, offer flexibility, ensure wage equity and offer fair opportunities for advancement. While these are all critical factors, it's only half of the equation. The other half is you. The truth is you also need to step up confidently.
It takes two to tangle You are fully in the challenge. Rather than being the victim of the circumstances, I encourage you to step forward with hope, optimism and a belief that you can find a way to find more balance. The way - - > Change your mindset Finding a new way starts with the right mindset. Ditch the fixed mindset. That is the one that believes:
Instead, embrace a growth mindset. That is one that believes:
If you need some help finding the mindset that will help you find success, tune in to this training on finding your Success Mindset! The new truth We can change "the world" together. It's not easy. It will take time. But keep this in mind: Someone has to start. We are being offered a hand...it might seem tentative, but it's there. The sector is demanding equity, fairness and flexibility. It's time we do our part to make it happen. Believe with your whole heart, that work-life balance IS possible! p.s. This whole journey starts with believing you can do it. That's confidence, my dear! Make sure to grab your copy of Mastering Confidence and re-read it if need be! Do the free course that goes with the book and then take in extra training here. Master confidence and you'll be well on your way to finding more balance! Do you ever feel lonely?
Do you ever feel like no one understands you?
Do you ever long for connection?
Do you know what? I would venture a guess that almost every women leader I asked those questions to, would answer just the same way as you just did. YES! Here is what you can do about it -->  I have felt this way sooooo often! I have multiple journal entries that indicate all through my years as a leader, and even now, I can say yes often to these questions. I've felt lonely, not understood and ached for a hug so often I couldn't even begin to count the times. It feels very isolating and even scary at times. You'd be surprised to know how many other women feel this way too! If you look around your office, across the boardroom table today or through your list of names in your inbox, you'd be surprised how many of the women you come across would answer the same way. Even women that you think have it all together, seem so connected and confident. But we keep it a secret Here's the thing. Most of them would not admit they are lonely. Not in the vulnerable way you and I are talking about right now. Most would brush it off, hide it or downplay it. Secrets lead to shame We know that when you keep something hidden, it leads to suffering and shame. We feel wrong about how we feel. We feel guilty. We are reminded we are supposed to be grateful. So we assume that we should shake it off and move on and certainly not tell anyone or admit how bad it is. Instead, awaken your self-compassion If what I said is true earlier, that you are not the only woman leader feeling isolated and alone, then it might also be true that it is a very real part of being a woman leader that we will experience the feeling of loneliness. It would also be true then, that we aren't weird, wrong, bad or selfish for desiring connection. This recognition that we aren't alone is one of the 3 components of self-compassion. Expert Kristen Nef describes as "Common Humanity vs Isolation." She describes it as:
Next steps for you With this new understanding, we can let go of the shame of reaching out.
If you want to know how much self-compassion you have, take Kristen Nef's self-compassion test here. One other little reminder... it's hard to be compassionate to others ... a strength of great leaders...if you don't exercise self-compassion! Let's see if I am right Email me and let me know if you've ever felt lonely, isolated or crave connection. Tell me a story about it if you'd like! I'd love to know what it felt like for you and what you did about it, whether that was reaching out, or hiding it. I'm going to keep track of how many responses I get and report back in the Confident Women Leaders Community. By the way, that's a great place to share stories, challenges and ask for something you need. Please do this: If I could recommend one thing for you to do today, it would be this: Go someplace where no one can see you, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself the most loving and compassionate hug you can. You are worth it! One more thing: Here is something to think about: When you role-model self-compassion for the younger women in your life, they will learn to practice it much quicker in their leadership journey! So, you want out of survival mode. You want to enjoy your job more. You want to feel that you have time to get to the meaningful work, not just the crisis of the day. And of course, you also want to enjoy the rest of your life. What are you doing to get there? What are you actively doing to move from survival or a place of tolerating, to that point where most days you feel like you are thriving? In this blog, you'll learn the 3 things you MUST schedule into your daily agenda if you want to get out of survival mode and move to a place of thriving in both leadership and life!  I start with the phrase ACTIVELY DOING for a reason. Wishing, hoping and praying things will get better won't change them. But I know, you maybe saying you can't actively doing thing yet. Ugh...I know, but.... Please DON'T tell me you are
These ladies certainly DID NOT wait!
You don't have to wait anymore either. You need to realize this: Let me tell you a little secret: Intentional personal and professional development is your path to success in leadership and in life. To be intentional about your personal and professional growth and development, you need to treat it like anything else important in your day — You need to schedule it in! Specifically, what do you need to have actually scheduled in as appointments in your day-timer, calendar or appointment book? These 3 things The 3 things you MUST have in your agenda!
I will not tell you it's easy to schedule these things in. It's not. It requires courage to stand up for yourself, your beliefs and desires. Become your best self by scheduling in self-care, self-reflection and self-improvement. It will be awkward and uncomfortable at times, but that's ok. We are not in a popularity contest. We are here to make a difference in the lives of others, in our families and communities. To do that, we need to be at our best. Please don't apologize for that!
Do you work with a bunch of women? Do they sometimes drive you nuts? I walked into an all-female meeting a while back and immediately knew it was going to be an hour full of sarcasm, snide comments and passive aggressiveness. And I was right! OMG! They cut each other off, spewed darts at each other as they spoke and refused to "play nice." I just wanted to shake them all and say stop! Can't you be nice to each other?  We work in a predominantly female sector The majority of people that are employed in the non-profit sector are women, so my guess is you work with a lot of them. I'm also going to venture a guess that you find them "emotional" and that those displays of emotions get on your nerves. I'm curious who's driving you crazy today? Your administrative support, your boss or the team lead? Maybe it's the whole dang team! Your mood today plays a big role! Here's the thing, how you are feeling, your mood, affects how tolerable you are of their behaviour.
Your mood impacts how their attitude affects you! This is what it can look like instead Coming from a place of compassion and feeling a bit more patience may allow you to address the issue, rather than the person. I am NOT suggesting you let things slide and allow people to be rude, ignorant and disrespectful.
Don't take their comment personally This is what you can do to deal with moody women on your team One sure way to find the patience for dealing with other women: Choose your mood. Tune into this Ted Talk to hear the science behind this idea. But here's the thing, you can change your mood. You can lift yourself up, and, it doesn't take much time. 🎶 Mambo # 5 🎶 🎶 Pump up the Jam 🎶 🎶 Rock around the Clock 🎶 Are you smiling? You didn't even need to HEAR the music, and I know already I've changed your mood! You are hearing the songs in your head...the beat..the tune..the energy. Makes you want to dance, doesn't it? Are you humming? Boost your mood!
If that's not enough
I get it. This is in some ways only a temporary fix. The reality is that ongoing negativity and moods in the office can turn things toxic pretty darn quickly. Here are a couple of more resources for you.
But always, start with you! Take responsibility for YOUR mood! Trust me that will have a ripple effect! |
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Kathy ArcherWomen leaders often hit a point where they find themselves in over their heads and wondering if they have what it takes to lead. Archives
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